Just Us Girls

Hello, Stranger

2011-12-17T23:31:00.002-07:00

Jeez, has it really been this long since I last posted?!

Life has kept both K and me quite busy. But thankfully, as of yesterday at 3:41 pm, we are now ON VACATION! For a blessed two and a half weeks.

We fly out to upstate New York on Tuesday to spend Christmas with my parents. We leave from Denver, about an hour's drive, at 4 pm, which is nice since it gives us enough time to get up there and get our ducks in a row without having to get up at the crack of dawn. One layover in each direction, which is definitely better than two, but our layovers are VERY short, only an hour for each one. So I have every finger and toe crossed that we won't have any weather delays that could throw a wrench into the strategic plan. We arrive late, at about midnight, and I'm glad that for most of the trip, K will potentially be sleeping. One thing I have to do on Monday is to see if I can pick up her birth certificate, something I've been planning to do for a long time now but just didn't get around to it. Why the hospital doesn't just provide it to a new parent after the birth is beyond me. But anyway, travel with a toddler is always...interesting. K has always been a great traveler, but that was when she was quite a bit younger. The last time she flew on a plane was at nine months old. Like I said, I'm SO glad she will potentially be sleeping for most of the trip... Wish us luck!

We both very recently got over (well, K is still getting over it) what I think might have been norovirus. It was a naaaasty stomach virus that K got first and then so generously passed on to me a couple of days later. Definitely hit both of us like a ton of bricks. I had to miss the first three days of the last week before Christmas break, which is a pretty hellish week in the typical American middle school. But my subs seemed to survive pretty well, thank goodness. K is still getting over it, though I'm so glad she's no longer throwing up. It's been going around our city like wildfire, and the pediatrician was not surprised at all to hear of another report of it.

Otherwise...life has pretty much been going along as usual. This little girl has been learning new words each day, and can imitate words that I say, quite well. She has a brand-new pair of very cute glasses on order, so I will definitely post a picture once they come in. We see her PO (pediatric ophthalmologist) in early January to see how her vision is doing...I'm very curious to get the latest. Overall she's a very sweet-tempered, active, inquisitive little girl, though lately we've been struggling with her wanting to throw toys across the room (ain't happening, sweetheart, sorry) and sometimes trying to pinch me or smack me with her hand. Nothing serious in the grand scheme of things, most likely typical for toddlers her age, and par for the course. Not too many tantrums either, thank goodness. She has her moments, though. She's been willing to sit on the potty now and then, though I haven't been pushing it whatsoever. She's been telling me after she's peed or pooped in her diaper, which I know is a sign of readiness, but she's not always accurate about which one. :) I think I might get a bit more involved in potty training after the holidays, though she doesn't even turn two until March, so I know it's still a bit early. Early also according to her daycare providers.

Still no news on the whether-to-try-again-for-another-child front. Things are so nice, so comfortable, with just the two of us. And I'm having serious doubts about whether or not I could handle two. Being sick like we were kind of drove it home to me...not to mention how I had to ask my aunt last Friday to pick up K from daycare and keep her at her house for a few more hours until I could pick her up. I was scheduled to be observed by my principal that afternoon, something that happens only once per year, and it would have been very difficult to reschedule. My aunt and uncle also watched K yesterday and Thursday because she was not permitted to return to daycare until Monday at the earliest. I can't imagine asking them to watch two kids, especially when I'm not so sure they'd be supportive of me having a second child in the first place. So many question marks. Not enough answers. So I will bide my time until I have a better idea of what, if anything, I want to do next.

Thankful and very, very blessed

2011-11-23T22:12:00.002-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my cyber-pals! It's been a wonderful week with my parents, who traveled out here to Colorado from New York. They came out last Thursday and will leave next Tuesday. They've really enjoyed all of the quality time with little miss K...we have spent so much time just sitting back and watching her! I swear, this little girl has picked up new words every single DAY. She's changed so much just since last Friday! It makes my head spin. Her words are getting more and more clear and easy to understand, and she's imitating our speech like crazy. Not to mention all of the running around and climbing on all sorts of stuff. Her favorite place to play is on the stairs (!!!) but she's really navigating them well, and her favorite way of coming down is by sliding all the way down on her tummy as fast as she can, bumpbumpbumpbumpbump...feet first, thank goodness. We're working on counting, colors, numbers, letters, and naming everything in sight. Not that she's ready for ALL of it yet, but she'll learn it all eventually.

This is the BEST age!! She is SO much fun, she's like this little sponge that soaks everything in, and she's so incredibly funny! Such a jokester...totally has my family's sense of humor. I know it's going to be so hard to bring her back to daycare on Monday...we've spent such wonderful time together this week! I guess the secret is to savor every moment.

I for one am incredibly grateful for a wonderful little girl who is my everything, for (so far) good health, for two terrific parents who are also incredible and doting grandparents, for a good place to live in which I feel completely at home and comfortable, for a dependable job (even though it can be such an uphill struggle sometimes), and for all of the wonderful people I am blessed to have in my life. Lots to be thankful for, indeed!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Have to.

2011-11-21T22:48:00.004-07:00

I just have to have two.

...sweetbeautifulfunnyamazinglovingwonderful little ones.

I just have to.

That is all.

(Hey, gimme a break. This is the only space in which I can actually speak/write/say these words out loud. I tried to do so in real life, told my parents that I did another insemination in early October, and let's just say they were less than supportive. It's hard because like it or not, in my heart of hearts I do care what they think.)

I so hope I can give it another shot in January. Happy new year to me?

Ten Ways NOT to Raise a Toddler!

2011-11-15T20:57:00.003-07:00

Okay, so I LOVED this, I had a crappy day at work today, and I just had to share:

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Ten Ways NOT to Raise a Toddler
-Mira Jacob

I am a parenting editor and a mom. This means that all day, every day, I read about how to raise better children, and then go home and mess with my own. You know, it's all fun and games until the therapy bill arrives! In full acknowledgment of how little my advice will help any parent out there, I've decided to stick to letting the wonderful experts on this site tell you what to do, and give you this handy picture guide on what to DON'T:

1. DON'T ask, "Why did you do that?" Why did you bite that boy? Why did you hit your sister? Why is there spaghetti in your ear? Why am I asking you a question you can't possibly answer in any way that will make me feel better? Oh yes, because it's easier than accepting the idea that I am in charge of a tiny lunatic.

2. DON'T be surprised by the number of things that can end up in your toilet. This includes shoes, spatulas, cell phones, small animals, keys, and a whole eggplant that looks an awful lot like a human head to your middle-of-the-night eyes.

3. DON'T be surprised by the number of things that can NOT end up in your toilet. Number two, for example, can occasionally end up in your purse.

4. DON'T assume that repeating directions increases their likelihood of being followed. DON'T assume that repeating directions increases their likelihood of being followed

5. DON'T over-explain adult situations. "Sorry, honey. Mommy is just in a bad mood because she doesn't understand why she chose to make a living on the Internets. And taking out a second mortgage to fund your preschool appears not to have been the prudent thing to do. And wow, your sitter is expensive! That noise? Oh, that's just Daddy weeping through the wall."

6. DON'T say, "Let's wash your hair!" This is akin to saying, "Let's put this large needle in your eyeball." If you really feel like you have to warn your toddler about the upcoming sudsing, consider something relatively benign and tangentially related, like, "Let's put this large needle in your eyeball."

7. DON'T wear a short skirt to a toddler birthday party. You know that fantasy you have about being unintentionally violated by giddy elves? Yeah, me neither.

8. DON'T let a boy shorter than the toilet try to pee standing up. Too late for that? Try not yelling helpful tips like, "Point your penis up!" Too late for that? Wipe your chin.

9. DON'T ask if your toddler if he wants to do something you need him to do. This includes Do You Want To Wear A Jacket? Do You Want To Eat Something? Do You Want To Hug Grandma? Do You Want To Wash Your Hair? and Do You Want to Keep Me From Running Out The Door To Jamaica?

10. DON'T try to catch vomit in your hands. A) It doesn't work. B) You don't get points for trying. C) You get vomit in your hands.

- Mira Jacob

...a tiny lunatic indeed! :)

(I still haven't found my cell phone. Thanks, sweetie.)

Regrouping...and still unsure

2011-11-04T21:20:00.005-06:00

Ever since the dreaded BFN, I've found myself wondering whether two kids is truly doable for me. Still not sure. REALLY not sure. Enough so that I know it's a good move to wait on trying again until I have a better grasp on what I want to do next. Seriously, I really have NO idea. I don't know whether I can handle the additional stress that a second child would bring into my life.

I keep trying to envision my little family with just K and me. And some days, I can easily envision us as just a family of two. Other days it's a *lot* harder. A lot harder to accept that possibility. Especially when my cousin just gave birth to her second child two weeks ago, and they live only an hour away, and right now I am NOT in a good enough frame of mind to actually look forward to visiting. We are supposed to travel to a birthday party for the new baby's cousin, my cousin Will who is turning six, on Sunday. I think I'm secretly glad that K has the sniffles, which is enough to cancel this plan since she can't really be around a newborn or my 88 year old grandmother (who is on oxygen) right now. I know we'll meet the little guy, named Miles (Dean is his middle name), at some point, but right now in my mind there is absolutely no hurry. At least not until I'm in a better frame of mind. It's been a very rough week.

(...and you know what's really been ticking me off lately? Thinking about women like my cousin--whom I love dearly, don't get me wrong--who haven't really had to work hard at much at all. Things just seem to fall easily into her lap. Great husband? Check. Gorgeous house? Check. Lawyer husband with an income that allows her to stay at home and also work part-time from home and not have to pay for daycare? Check. Two beautiful kids? Check. Peaceful home VBAC birth in a birthing tub? Check. Close enough to restaurants, shops and any other destination one might need that they can just walk or ride a bike around town? Check. Yeah, it does make me vaguely nauseous. Happy for her, yes, but still vaguely nauseous. A charmed life for sure.)

One thing I do know is that my emotions are very raw right now for a variety of reasons, not just the BFN. I know for sure that I very much WANT a second child...but I am just not sure whether I can handle it, both emotionally and financially.

I am on the hunt for another (better) daycare for K. Which does break my heart somewhat because I do feel quite comfortable with her current daycare. Sadly, my wallet does not. It's a lot more expensive than other smaller daycares (home daycares, mainly) in my area, and quite honestly, even though I feel very comfortable with it, I don't feel like I'm getting the bang for my buck that I should be getting, considering how much I'm currently paying. I have a few phone numbers of home daycares that friends of mine have been raving about, so I know it's worth a look. Plus (and this is not the main reason, but it's still on my mind) K's current daycare now has two 21-ish men on their payroll, and I do NOT like the idea of either of these two very young men changing K's diaper. Ever. The more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I feel. They only fill in around pick-up time, so it's entirely possible they've never had to change her diaper, but I still don't like it at all. And one day when I picked her up and one of the men was the only one in her classroom, her shoes were on backwards. Not confusing shoes, either. I know, such a little thing, but hey, if you're working with new walkers, you have no business putting on their shoes backwards. To me it's such an obvious thing. Just sayin'.

So needless to say I have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind these days. I'm just praying for a little clarity...in a lot of different areas. Wish me luck.

BFN

2011-10-24T09:57:00.003-06:00

...and I'm sad.

Not unexpected, really, but I'm still sad nonetheless.

Frustrated because I can't afford to try again in November. December, maybe, but now I've missed my summer window (for a summer delivery), and that's frustrating too. And now I'm starting to question being able to handle (and afford) two kids in the first place. I *really* don't feel like my family will be complete without two siblings. But I'm not sure I can make it happen, and not shortchange K, both financially and emotionally. This is SO frustrating. I wish there were a "right" answer out there somewhere.

I've gotta snap out of this funk.
I don't feel like myself.
I don't like it.

Bad Mommy Moment UPDATED

2011-10-15T17:49:00.004-06:00

Yes, I know I'm not a bad mom. It was just the hindsight talking. I was wishing that I'd thought to suspect strep, and I was worried that K would catch it because I didn't treat it nearly as soon as I should have. Thank you, everyone, for your comments!

We saw the doctor this morning, and thankfully she does not have strep. She does, however, have sounds in her left lung that the doctor characterized as possible "walking pneumonia". I'm not frantic at all about that, and I suspected it because I kept hearing "rasping" noises as she breathed in and out. I'm SO glad I had it checked out. Turns out amoxicillin won't touch walking pneumonia, but Azithromax does, and I'm happy that I only have to give it to her once a day for five days. Hopefully we'll both be on the mend soon!

Bad Mommy Moment #329

2011-10-14T17:20:00.003-06:00

I can't even believe it. Shortly before lunchtime today I had to call my doctor's office (family practice) for an unexpected yet pretty urgent appointment because I glanced down at my arms during a morning meeting, and was shocked by the angry red rash that had suddenly appeared out of the blue. Seriously shocked, especially since I have NO allergies to speak of. At first the receptionist said, "Nope, sorry, we're all booked up today. No way, no how." (Well, she didn't say the last sentence I just wrote, but that was her tone.) But fate was on my side because she then said, "Oh, wait...nope, we have a cancellation. We can get you in at 1:15." And I nearly shouted, "I'll take it!" My colleagues told me today that they were convinced I had bronchitis, so I definitely had to get in to see someone anyhow. Peer pressure! Thank goodness today was a teacher work day, so I could take off for the doctor when I needed to without calling in an absence. I ended up being gone for only just over an hour.

So I went in, and when my doc told me what she suspected based on the rash, I nearly fell over. I seriously feel like the world's worst mom because I did not suspect this at all and I can't believe I exposed my precious child to it.

My four-day flu bug at the end of September, complete with fever, chills, achiness, sore throat (but not a bad one at all), congestion? Strep.

My repeat four-day flu bug this week that laid me out flat with fever, chills, achiness, and cough (NO sore throat)? Strep.

Angry red rash that showed up out of nowhere? Strep.

All of this attributed to strep. She did one of the rapid strep tests, and it came back confirming what she had suspected, strep. I had NO idea that fever, chills, and achiness can be due to strep. Didn't know a rash could also be due to strep. My mom tells me it's scarlet fever, which to me sounds as serious as smallpox. Craziness! And to think I left it unchecked since the end of September. AND I exposed my sweet girl to it, too. I feel like the world's worst mother. But I guess it could be worse. And now I know for the future.

So I couldn't get her in to be checked at all today, but we do have an appointment first thing tomorrow. I pray that her test comes back negative. But I wonder whether they might just put her back on amoxicillin just in case. I will be back on amoxicillin as of tonight, plus an inhaler (in-office sample! love it!) of albuterol for my cough.

I'm amazed that I have the audacity to try to get pregnant right now, in the middle of all these germs and this sickness! If this works amidst all the chaos of both of us being so sick, it'll be a miracle.

Waiting...and more waiting...

2011-10-12T13:29:00.003-06:00

Part of me wants to NOT! BLOG! ANYTHING! until I *know* for sure whether my iui last Thursday worked. I'm on pins and needles, to tell the truth. One week down, roughly one week to go. If I were to say that I have NO symptoms, I'd be lying. But then again, I don't totally trust any potential symptoms because in the past I've been convinced I was pregnant only to find out I wasn't. My brain sometimes seems to trick my body into conjuring up false symptoms. I just want to know for SURE.

The hard part of the past few days is that the flu bug that I'd been fighting before has reared its ugly head yet again. I had to take yesterday off from work because I had some nasty chills, achiness, fever, and a cough I can't seem to get rid of. I felt horrible on Monday, too, but I did manage to drag myself through my school day. I do feel somewhat better today, thank goodness, but I'm still coughing up a storm. And of course, being "PUPO", I can't take hardly anything. NOT a fan of Tylenol, but at least it did make a dent in the chills, fever, and achiness of yesterday. And today it's been all about the cough drops that were given to me by my colleague next door. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I'm just gonna be sick like this for the rest of the school year without reprieve. K stayed home with me yesterday, too, which was probably a good thing since she's still recovering as well.

I'm typing this on my planning period...two more classes to go! I can do this!!!
Please think healthy thoughts for us. :)
And big thank-you's to all of the wonderful, supportive people who commented on my last post...your support and encouragement mean more than you know. :)

PUPO!

2011-10-06T20:43:00.004-06:00

Wow, it's fun to be able to write that! I have a feeling, though, that it's going to be a looooooong two weeks.

The only glitch was the fact that I discovered that my insurance ompany has rejected covering the diagnostic work I had done prior to the iui, which they definitely covered 100 percent two years ago. My RE's office is sending it through again, but if it doesn't go through, I will owe over $600. That really sucks. I plan to fight my insurance company on that one.

But other than that, I'm so glad I got to do my iui today!!! And I didn't even have to take any portion of today's workday off. My coworker was willing to cover my first period class, and I was back right in the middle of my second hour planning period. It would have been nice to be able to take a half day and go home and lie down for a bit, but I doubt that it will affect possible implantation or anything like that. I did sit down as often as possible, and I'm glad I did since I felt pretty blech for the rest of the day. I had forgotten how much an iui affects your body...I tend to forget how much of an invasion it really is. But I'm sure I'll feel a bit better tomorrow.

Yay for PUPO!!! So excited!!!
THANK YOU everyone for your support and encouragement!!!!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away...

2011-10-05T21:34:00.002-06:00

Yup. Tomorrow is my first iui since the birth of my daughter. What a mix of emotions: hope, excitement, nervousness, cynicism, and even a touch of downright fear. What if it doesn't work? What if it DOES work? How will my life change? How will K's life change? How will I handle the disappointment if it doesn't work? What if the unexpected happens and I can't do the iui after all? Just take all of the above and mix it into a ball and put it right into the pit of my stomach. I followed my RE's instructions to the letter and gave myself the trigger shot last night at 8:50 pm, exactly 36 hours before my scheduled iui. My appointment is at 8:50 am tomorrow. I'm heading back to school right after, no time to relax, unfortunately, except for the 15-20 minutes of resting on the table right after. But regardless I'm going to try to relax a bit at school and stay off my feet as often as possible. It's going to be SOOO hard to not get my hopes up. I have to confess that I'm already hoping, hard.

Wish me luck!!

Getting close!

2011-10-01T11:58:00.003-06:00

...closer to my first iui in two years, and I am sooo excited! Monday is CD13, and I go in for an ultrasound--and hopefully to also pick up my trigger shot. I need to make sure to ask about pricing for this iui...I'm a bit nervous about the cost potentially having gone up since the last time two years ago. Especially since it's not covered whatsoever by my insurance. But still, I am all set to go, and I'm really excited to get things a-movin' along. :)

I was recently reminded of the hardest part of being an SMC, at least for me: being sick and having a sick toddler at the same time. I woke up on Wednesday morning barely able to see...my eyes were all gooped shut (sorry, TMI) and once I was able to get them unstuck, they were so swollen my eyes looked like slits. Very concerning. But since I hadn't called in for a sub and it was basically too late to do so, I went in to school and asked whether there was a sub who was just there for the morning, and who might be willing to stay for the afternoon for me. Lucky for me, there was. I got in to see my doctor at 3:30, and she took one look at my eyes and said, "Impressive!" It was quite a severe case of what I thought at first to be pink eye, but she suspected it was part of a sinus infection instead, especially since I had been sick for the past week before that. So she prescribed antibiotic eye drops and amoxicillin, and sent me on my way. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. I managed to come down with a flu bug the next day, complete with chills, fever, achiness, sore throat, congestion, headache, and general I-feel-like-I've-been-hit-by-a-truck-ness. Thankfully, now, three days later, I am feeling much better and I'm planning on heading back to school on Monday. The one thing I KNEW I had to do was to get K to daycare on Thursday and Friday, even though I had taken those days off from school. I did manage to keep her from catching any kind of pink eye (if that's even what it was), thank goodness. She's still coughing from her sick days last week. I really don't want her to catch this flu-thing. The hardest thing by far was getting both of us ready i.e. presentable and out the door when I felt SO awful (and you always feel worst in the morning), and then of course picking her up at the end of the day. But the chance to just sleep as much as I needed to without having to worry about a toddler? Priceless. I seriously spent two whole days just parked on the couch. And it worked out perfectly, because now that I have K all weekend, I'm now feeling better and able to take care of her like usual.

The one thing that makes me frantic is the idea of burning up all these leave days at the beginning of the year. I only get eleven days off to last me the entire school year, and I have now used up four and a half of them. Plus another half day on Monday for this ultrasound. It really sucks. I can still take days off after I've used up my eleven, but I do so at no pay, which is a huge chunk of change to lose out of my paycheck. And here I am, trying to get pregnant. It's very scary. Thank goodness my last pregnancy was very uneventful, with no morning sickness to speak of, so I may get lucky again. VERY lucky, but still. There's at least one appointment per month, but if I remember correctly, my OB's office had pretty good office hours, so I might be able to get appointments after 4:00. Of course, the (fabulous) ultrasound tech only has morning hours, so that might be a problem. I'll have to cross those bridges when I get to them. With a second pregnancy, I now know what to expect, so I find myself thinking (way) ahead and trying to hash it all out now. I'm just excited to get back in the game and give it a shot this month. Hopefully October will be my lucky month. :)

Great news

2011-09-25T13:49:00.003-06:00

So. It turns out...

...that I have ovaries that are pretty much equivalent to those of a twenty year old. (um...what?)

My RE told me today in no uncertain terms that he's not able to say this very often, but I fall into a very small demographic of 40-somethings who are quite...um...gifted, reproductively-speaking. He said he'd be thrilled if someone my age showed four follicles in each ovary, and I am currently showing six to seven in one and way more than that, apparently, in the other. He measured the volume of each ovary, and where most women my age measure about three (not sure what the units are, cc's? no clue), I am measuring nine, which apparently is awesome. So things are looking very, very good. Based on what he saw today, he said, I can almost count on a pregnancy. Egg quality, obviously, is still in question, and there's nothing I can do about that, but besides that, everything else looks really good. I'm kind of amazed, actually.

My heart went out to another woman who came in today--the only other woman today besides me who wasn't doing IVF--whose OPK's didn't show a surge at all. She had an ultrasound a few days ago that showed a follicle of 16mm, and her ultrasound today showed that she'd already ovulated. So she missed it, and she had no inkling from her OPK's. I now know from experience how frustrating it is to miss a cycle altogether. I can only imagine how frustrated she must have felt.

Such an odd experience, sitting in the waiting room today with about four other couples who I was pretty sure were there for IVF. Everyone sitting there so somberly, very few couples even exchanging words with one another. It's serious business, that IVF stuff. Not for the faint of heart, for sure. I saw a couple of the women leave with what looked to be armfuls of boxes of meds. Unreal. I found myself feeling very thankful that IUI is still an option for me, and this was before my RE told me about these young-acting ovaries of mine. I also felt a bit bummed that unlike them, I'm going through this without a partner, but you do what you have to do, I guess.

I also couldn't help thinking today about the fact that I would LOVE to lose at least forty pounds, and that like a lot of other women, I am not happy with the way my body looks right now. But when it comes down to what my body is able to do, namely to grow a baby all the way from conception to birth and possibly do it again at age almost-forty two, I honestly have no room to complain. I'm so blessed, truly, and I don't want to forget that.

So the rest of the plan for this month is to start my letrozole this evening and continue for the next five days, followed by an ultrasound on October third to check the state of things. So it's entirely feasible that I might have an insemination on my forty-second birthday, October eighth. On this upcoming birthday two years ago, I had my anatomy scan, and was told that I'd be giving birth to a baby girl...who is the absolute light and treasure of my life. Blessed, indeed!

There is a method to the madness after all

2011-09-23T11:26:00.003-06:00

Well, I feel much better. Got some clarification from the RE himself. NOW I get it! He's absolutely right that when I conceived my daughter back in 2009, I didn't do back-to-back iui's, and specifically, back-to-back meds. Now that I am trying to do so, their policy is to rule out ovarian cysts beforehand, because the meds can exacerbate any cysts, and cysts can definitely reduce pregnancy rates. Much less cause all sorts of pain and delays in trying again. He left the decision up to me, though he definitely advises against going right into another medicated cycle without ruling out cysts. Sunday is CD5, and he doesn't buy into some people's fears about the risk of birth defects from using Femara after CD3...it's often used day 5 through 9. So now I have an ultrasound appointment at 8:50 am on Sunday to rule out any ovarian cysts and to give me a prescription for the Femara. He has a few IVF patients coming in on Sunday--when the office is technically closed--so there's a little bit of time for me as well. Now that I understand the madness, this "requirement" makes much more sense to me. I was offered an ultrasound appointment today, but since K is still under the weather, it's not the best idea, plus their office does close at noon today, which would mean too much of a hustle for us. So it's looking like Sunday is our best bet. And I think I'm okay with it, now that I understand why.

I need anger management therapy

2011-09-22T19:29:00.005-06:00

...because I seriously just beat the living shit out of my curling iron by banging it against the top of the bathroom sink. Don't ask.

I got a message from my (ridiculous) RE today that he won't call in my prescription for letrozole (Femara) until I come in for an ultrasound. (Why??????) He's never required this before, and that's another fifty bucks down the drain. Tomorrow is CD3, and they have NO openings because every Friday they close at noon. Of course.

So...it looks like my choice this month is to either do an unmedicated cycle--if he'll even DO an insemination--or don't inseminate at all. I had no intentions of doing an unmedicated cycle, but if it's that or don't do it at all...

I was home with K today because she's fighting an ear infection, and her fever was over 103 at times yesterday and today. She's now on antibiotics, but so far they haven't seemed to kick in yet, at least as far as her fever is concerned. Right now her temp is 102, and I just gave her some infants' acetaminophen because she can't take more ibuprofen until at least 10:00. Needless to say, since I certainly wasn't expecting a call from my RE about some unnecessary mandatory ultrasound, I didn't check my messages until after their office had closed for the day (3:30). They can definitely expect a call from me tomorrow morning. And not a pleasant one, either.

This really sucks.

Here we go again

2011-09-20T21:54:00.004-06:00

Yes, it's on. Tomorrow is CD1, with today being a sort of pseudo CD1. And wouldn't you know it, because my cycle is now starting again, I felt all sorts of hope today. It was just...a good day. I am bound and determined to move forward with T42, and as they say, pull out all the stops. I feel more grateful that I am able to do this at all. I will be dusting off my OvaCue fertility monitor tonight, and finding my basal thermometer (who knows where that's been hiding). I'm not convinced that OPK's will be reliable, so I am going to back them up with other ways to monitor how things are progressing. I have to put a call in to my RE tomorrow to ask him to call in my prescription for Femara, and also to make sure we're all systems go for another try. I kind of dread talking to him after last month's disappointment, but I do feel confident that I won't end up in that same situation this month or next. I will not settle for NOT having a trigger shot, that's for sure. I can't wait to get back in the game.

In other interesting news, my friend Lisa's friend Deidra had a big day today, and unfortunately it's too late to call tonight to find out how things went. Deidra and her husband had been foster parents to a little boy since very shortly after his birth, and they were in line to adopt him after fostering him for the past year and a half (if memory serves). Well, this past June they ended up having to return him to his biological mother. So devastating. They did take him for a couple of weekends this summer, and he was inconsolable every time they had to give him back to his bio mom. Just this past week, however, bio mom went back to jail. Now they have several agencies pushing for them to be allowed to legally adopt him, saying that it's in the little boy's best interest, and today was the court date that might just change the rest of their lives. I'm dying to find out what happened today! And I have every finger and toe crossed that this couple is supposed to add this little boy to their family. I still have faith that sometimes, things happen just the way they are supposed to happen. I truly hope that this is one of those times.

My heart goes out to my friend J, who has to make the very difficult decision whether to go for (adopt I guess is the correct term) two grade B frozen embryos now, or wait quite a few months and take the chance that perhaps more viable embryos might come available at that point. These two grade B embryos come from a couple with two failed IVF's behind them, followed by a successful natural (surprise) pregnancy. Apparently they've been dealing with male factor infertility. She feels very apprehensive about the fact that they did two unsuccessful IVF's, and she's unsure about their grade B status. I don't have any other specifics about the condition of the embryos. If anyone has any thoughts or advice about this situation, I'd sure love to hear them.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Wishing all of you lots of green lights and great songs on the radio during your morning commute tomorrow. :) (which I actually have had for two days in a row now, lucky me!)

New arrival!

2011-09-08T21:54:00.003-06:00

Welcome to the world, Abigail Kate! Her happy parents are my cousin Matthew and his wife Emily. Abby was born at 8:00 this morning at 7 lbs, 8 oz.

The cool thing about it is that Abby is the second baby girl--indeed, the second baby, period--of her generation (besides my girl K) who has my last name. And I love the idea of a second little girl with this same last name...maybe just the idea of carrying it along into the future. I know that our (Matthew's and mine) late grandparents, Irv and Naomi, are watching over us and enjoying our little girls. I just wish they could have met them in person. I love how Abby is clutching her mommy's finger in her tiny fist! I can't wait for both K and I to meet her!

Disappointment.

2011-09-05T23:21:00.002-06:00

I just have to get this out. Because right now it's pretty much simmering inside my brain, and I'm sad, and I'm alone (except for my little one, who is sound asleep, and this time she doesn't count since she's not an adult who might "get it"). I'm not really open to very many people about my T42 status, either, so here I sit, feeling very sad. Since it's my blog, I'm going to get it all down "on paper" and hopefully I'll feel a little better.

I just want to get into the game. I want to get into the game and see what happens. And now I have to wait another looooong month till I can try again. My RE told me last Thursday that unfortunately they're closed over the long Labor Day weekend, yet I discovered that his website specifically states that someone is always available on weekends and holidays for scheduled needs such as inseminations. So why don't I qualify? Is it because I'm single? Because I'm "only" doing iui and not IVF, a much more expensive procedure? An iui is such a quick thing, too...after the thaw, which usually only takes twenty minutes or so, it's only a few minutes and it's done. Not like my RE would have to give up an afternoon or something. So I did my OPK's this weekend and I'm quite sure I've completely missed the window. Not even a second line today, and based on my follicle measurements last Thursday, one follicle was probably 24mm today and the other 19mm. Unless they grew faster because of the Fem.ara. So most likely I've ovulated by now. And I'm not thrilled about paying my RE another fifty bucks tomorrow just to have him tell me "Sorry, it's too late." So I don't think I will. Up until now I'd considered calling in the morning to make an appointment for an ultrasound, but now I don't think so.

I fully realize that my feelings and reaction to this turn of events are purely emotional. Truth be told, I'm both angry and hurt that they wouldn't consider doing an iui for me over the weekend. I'm especially angry about missing out on the good timing this try might have afforded me, a delivery in early summer that would have allowed me to stay home with a prospective baby for most of the summer without maternity leave considerations. I can and will try again next month, this I know. But missing this cycle was so completely avoidable, not my fault at all, and the truth is, I didn't get at all what I wanted this month from my fertility clinic: I wanted to do a trigger shot and I especially wanted--obviously--to do an insemination. I took my meds faithfully between days 3 and 7, to no avail. Luckily they cost almost nothing thanks to my insurance. I seriously considered all weekend switching RE's, and I might still do that. I just feel like he wasn't there when I needed him, like any other TTC'ing SMC, and who's to say it won't happen again? My cycles won't coincide with any other holidays over the next few months, thankfully. But what if I need to inseminate on a weekend and he won't do it? I just think it's really crappy. Today I decided, just so I feel at least a little proactive about this whole thing, to call around and see who else in my town does iui's. I know I'll get over this disappointment, but right now it just...hurts.

To my surprise, I'm sadder than I expected. I just really want to get pregnant again. I just want to at least get into the damn game and not be sitting on the sidelines. I guess there's one silver lining, at least--I now know that I truly want to have another baby. I'm not sitting on the fence anymore. And just writing all this out, I do feel a little bit better. As my mom always likes to say, tomorrow is another day. And I'd add, October is another month. Less than a full month away. I kind of want to tell my RE a little about how frustrated I feel about the discrepancy between the availability stated on his website and how it played out for me, but I'm not sure how I would phrase it. Right now I'm pretty angry with him. I guess time will tell.

New big girl bed!

2011-09-05T00:47:00.004-06:00

It's all in the timing

2011-09-01T18:40:00.002-06:00

[sigh]

Well, things are really up in the air regarding this iui cycle. It looks like I might surge over the long weekend, and my RE does NOT do iui's over Labor Day weekend. Soooo... I will try my best not to stew about it and feel anxious about potentially throwing my hard-earned money away on a doomed cycle.

I currently have two follicles measuring 11 mm and 16 mm. My RE won't trigger until 20 mm, and iui's are usually done around 24 mm. I have NO idea how fast a typical woman's follicles mature. Maybe it varies from woman to woman. Today is CD11, and in the past my OvaCue fertility monitor has pinpointed day 15 for my most fertile day. CD15 falls on Monday. BUT I also just read about Fem.ara delaying ovulation by a couple of days, so that might work in my favor. My plan as of right now is to buy a bunch of OPK's and use them starting tomorrow, just to see what they show. Right now it looks like an iui on Tuesday might just be the ticket, depending on what my OPK's look like. I've never had a whole lot of success with OPK's...on the cycle that worked, my RE triggered on CD13 and (I think) he did the iui two days later.

I just really don't want to miss my window, since the timing this month for a summer delivery would be perfect.

I am on the fence over whether or not to cancel this cycle and wait till next month...

I LOVE this SMC community!!!!

2011-08-31T20:02:00.003-06:00

Seriously, I love you all for your very supportive comments on my last post!!! It completely warms my heart to know that we're all on the same page, and it's not just me who feels that way. I've often questioned my choice of moderated comments, since up until yesterday I hadn't received any even remotely angry comments. But it's kind of nice to be able to process a particular comment for a bit and frame my response accordingly.

You all made my month, I can't even tell you! (also possibly because I only have one SMC friend IRL, and being a single mom can often feel so isolating.) I sure don't feel quite so isolated after reading your heartwarming comments!

Seriously! I love you all!!! You rock, sisters!!!!!!!!

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

2011-08-30T21:37:00.024-06:00

This was an anonymous comment left in response to yesterday's post:

"I'm curious as to why a comment such as "I'm a single mom this weekend" gets you all so riled up? You CHOSE to be a single mom. I CHOSE to get married and have kids and not be a single mother. I respect your choice completely, but it was YOUR choice. My husband is a very present father but there are times when he is traveling that I complain "I'm tired of being a single mom" or "This single mom gig is tough." I complain, because I didn't choose to be a single mom and when I am one for a few days not by choice, I feel the pressure. I appreciate having my hubby as my co-parent. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a single parent, I think you are being way over-sensitive and judgmental toward those of us who are not single parents. We still get exhausted by parenthood too - especially when we are used to having a partner to help and he's not around for a few days."

So here is my response:

First of all, why are you anonymous? Why don't you own your comments and sign your name to them? I'll never understand why some people choose to comment anonymously. To me it's a sign of...at best, insecurity, at worst, cowardice.

Dear Anonymous,

You are absolutely right that I CHOSE (your capital letters) to be a single mom. I don't regret my choice for a single moment, especially when I look at my much-loved, amazing daughter and I feel proud that I made my dream come true. But the point of my last post--one of very few vent posts I have written, by the way, in the nearly three years I've been blogging--was not about the choices you and I have made. As you stated, you respect my choice, and I definitely respect yours. With no judgment or hostility about it whatsoever. Unlike you, I know that it's not an "us versus them" kind of situation. Our goal is exactly the same: to raise happy, healthy, thriving children.

You claim that I am "being way oversensitive and judgmental" towards people who are not single parents, which could not be further from the truth. I have many, many friends and family members who are happily married and are fantastic parents, and yes, they do feel exhausted at times, just as single parents do. Every parent, regardless of how he or she became a parent, has the right to feel exhausted. I wouldn't dream of saying otherwise.

But there are also some core differences between being a married parent and being a single parent--not just exhaustion--which was the point of my post and apparently the part that you missed. For you to flippantly refer to yourself as a "single" parent just because your partner wasn't around for a few days (oh! the horror!) does a disservice to every single parent out there, whether by choice or by circumstance, who is living the reality of not having a partner indefinitely, not just for a few days. You are absolutely right that I CHOSE to be a single mom, but don't equate your reality with mine, choice or not. It's simply not the same. As I said in my post, you still have emotional support from a partner, financial support and resources, input for making important parenting decisions, and even just simple company after the kids are in bed. These are HUGE differences. And just because I chose to be a single parent doesn't mean that I don't have the right to miss those things. Given the choice between having a child and never becoming a parent, yes, it's still completely worth it to me, no question. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. But even though we share the same goal of raising happy, healthy kids, our day-to-day reality is not the same. This doesn't mean that I resent married parents, because I don't. It just means that flippantly referring to yourself as a "single mom" just because your partner is away for a few days is patently untrue and offensive.

The other aspect of my frustration with my FB friend, which my post may not have made clear and which has been building up a bit over time, is the intensity and duration of her complaining about her pregnancy. I feel a strong affinity towards those in the infertility community, and I don't have much patience with someone who doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that she's able to easily get pregnant in the first place. Does that mean that I am "being way oversensitive and judgmental" towards all pregnant women? Not even close.

Is this a big deal, in the grand scheme of things? Nope, not at all. It was just a vent post, about one person on Face.book. Best case scenario, Anonymous, you'll understand a little more about how many single moms--not just me--feel about privileged married moms casually tossing around the phrase "Oh, I'm a single mom!" at the least provocation. Just read the other comments--written by people who actually signed their names--and perhaps you'll understand a bit better.

Best,

Heather

"Single" moms [vent]

2011-08-28T16:26:00.004-06:00

I admit it. I don't have much patience or sympathy for a happily married, financially secure woman--in this case, a Face.book "friend"--who claims to be a "single" mom while her husband is out of town. I am very sure that it must be hard to be pregnant, missing your husband, who is currently deployed, and running the show on your own with three young boys to care for, but all that being said, she still has many more advantages than truly single moms like myself, such as...oh, I don't know, emotional support, financial resources, input for important parenting decisions, simple company after the kids are in bed...I could go on and on. She still has all that (well, maybe not the company part), even while her husband is deployed.

I am feeling quite ticked off right now, and I needed someplace to vent, so here I am. And it's more about her ridiculously privileged FB friends who chimed in and said, "Oh yes, you are definitely a single mom!" This is after I commented, agreeing with another commenter who remarked that she is lucky that she's not a single mom: "Yup. You have a lot more advantages than single moms like myself. Hang in there." These are women without a clue, who don't realize how good they got it.

This woman has been whining incessantly since her husband left...about all things pregnancy (she's 13 weeks along) and missing her husband and how hot it is in Louisiana and being frustrated with her three boys and not wanting to eat and not being able to sleep and not having enough energy to live her life and...well, you get the idea. Regarding the pregnancy thing, I have NO sympathy when it comes right down to it. She's been pregnant three times before so she knows the drill. No surprise there. And she's downright lucky to be able to get pregnant in the first place and to be able to bring her babies to term. And regarding missing her husband? Hell, at least she has a husband in the first place.

I really think she just needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with her temporarily-difficult situation...oh, and she needs to count her blessings as well. And I need to figure out how to hide her posts for a while until this desire to unfriend her isn't quite so strong.

Thanks for letting me vent.
/end of rant

The countdown begins [UPDATED]

2011-08-23T03:07:00.004-06:00

I've finally realized that my stress level is rising, and it's not (just)because school is back in session. Today (Tuesday) is CD2, so it's time to think about meds (Fem.ara) and timing for my trigger shot and so forth. The little swimmers are ready, happily ensconced in the deep freeze at my RE's office, and I'm starting to get nervous...mainly because I still have to have one last hoop to jump through, one final round of bloodwork consisting of testing for a few STD's. (which I find very funny...sex life? What sex life?!) I'm getting very nervous because I'm worried about not having enough time to get the results back to my RE before showtime. I put a call in to his office yesterday about calling in my script for Fem.ara and...an embarrassing admission. I got the STD cultures done, but somehow managed to misplace the order he gave me for the bloodwork, so now I need him to rewrite it for me so I can stop by his office and pick it up. I mean, seriously, how irresponsible. But hey, it's a small piece of paper! [sigh] The trick tomorrow is going to be being available to take his call when he calls back...I can't exactly talk with him if I'm in the middle of class with 25 middle school kids, and I only have two planning periods--one taken up by a parent conference--plus a half hour lunch break. And he's a very busy doctor too. We'll see how it pans out.

...breathe...must breathe...

If today is CD2, my iui will probably take place around Monday, September 5th. Yikes!

UPDATE: Things seem to be working out in my favor, though now there are a few extra hoops to jump through. I do have to get the bloodwork done in an outpatient lab, and I have to get that done ASAP. I was finally able to take my RE's call as I was out running a quick errand during my morning planning period, though I actually had to step out of the office I was at in order to take the call in private. He called back a second time and I was able to answer that call in private as well. He called in my script today, so I'll need to pick it up tomorrow. I also have to actually pick up the results of the STD cultures *in person* from my OBGYN's office and hand-deliver them to my RE, which will be a huge pain in the butt...but I guess if it leads to a baby it's worth it! So lots of legwork just to make this whole thing happen. I was under the impression at first that I would have to have several appointments for bloodwork and monitoring, at $50 a pop, but now it's just next Thursday to check the status of my follies and decide about triggering, so that helps me save at least a little money. This monitoring stuff really adds up, but I continue to be convinced that it's what made the difference for me in the iui that worked. One baby step at a time, no pun intended. :)

Words cannot even describe how beautiful this is...

2011-08-15T21:30:00.005-06:00

My cousin Jen (along with her husband Chris and her fabulous son Kyle) has a brand-new daughter! My heart is so full right now that I can't even put it all into words. AnXiang--her American name will be Lorelei--is their newly adopted beautiful Chinese daughter, and the pictures of their new family of four are simply spectacular! AnXiang is the answer to many, many prayers, and she is equally thrilled to be joining their family. Just check out her beautiful smile:

I can hardly believe their dream has finally come to fruition! Check out Jen's blog with their complete story here. Even though they don't speak the same language, I love how AnXiang and Kyle are "two peas in a pod" (in Jen's words):

I love happy endings (and beginnings!)!! Sending so much love to this incredible new family!

Born with a Broken Heart

2011-08-14T00:39:00.003-06:00

My cousin David's band, David Wax Museum! They're based out of Boston, and they performed at a house concert at my cousin Beth's house in Denver tonight. David and Suz are two of the sweetest people I think I've ever met, and we all had a blast! This song is my favorite, and I LOVELOVELOVE the video! Simply put, despite the title, this song just makes me happy.

"Born With A Broken Heart" from Anthem Multimedia on Vimeo.

Onward!

2011-08-13T10:21:00.007-06:00

Onward in so many ways. I am now back in school (just teacher stuff, kids show up next Wednesday) and K is back in daycare...with her first cold, it appears. She's only been back for two and a half days! Sheesh. I'm hoping it's just the sniffles. I'm feeling a little scratchy this morning, so it's off to find the Cold Eeze.

So far things have been going well in the new Toddler Room...she's had good days ever since we started this past Wednesday. She's been sleeping well on her cot, she's been eating fairly well, and she's already found toys she loves. I really think she enjoys playing with the other kids, and the outside toddler playground is *fabulous*. That's one of the best selling points of this daycare for me...wood chips all around and SO much great playground "equipment" sized just right for toddlers! The neighborhood parks don't even compare for someone her size. Oh, and I really like her new teachers...I wasn't so sure about one of them at first, but now I know what she's really like, and she's terrific.

I am off to Denver on Tuesday morning to pick up some...um...frozen genetic material! :) What's really great about my sperm bank is the fact that if I can show up in person with my own cooler plus dry ice, the handling fee is only $20. Shipping is over $100 more than that. I live less than an hour from Denver, so I think it's going to work really well. My sperm bank is actually located in Loveland, an hour and a half away, but they have a satellite office in Denver, which is SO much more convenient. I'll drive from Denver right back to my RE's office so they can put the little swimmers in their deep freeze until early September. I still have to get a little bit of bloodwork done, hopefully today at an outpatient lab, but everything else is done and ready for my next cycle. It may sound a little nonsensical, but I plan to buy the sperm only one vial at a time instead of buying several and storing them. This will be my last baby, so I see no reason to buy ahead...I don't want to have any leftovers, so I'm going to take it one cycle at a time. Plus, with daycare, I'm a girl on a budget! Fortunately our donor hasn't sold *any* units over the past month and a half, so there is still a good supply. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about the whole endeavor.

K and I are off to Denver tonight with my aunt, uncle, and grandmother to see my cousin's band, David Wax Museum, give a house concert at my cousin Beth's house! I am beyond excited...David's band has been performing across the country and internationally to rave reviews, and I can't believe I get to see them play in my cousin's living room!! They're in Denver to film a music video, and my cousins offered to host this house concert--they jumped at the opportunity. I'll let you know how it goes. :) Can't wait!

Very sad news in SMCland...baby Finn and baby Carys have some challenges ahead of them, and their mamas are needing some serious support...my heart hurts for them. Please stop by and give them some love when you get a chance.

First haircut!

2011-08-03T22:05:00.015-06:00

The official "before" picture...I can't believe how long her hair had grown in the back!
(Does this count as a baby mullet?!)

"I'm not so sure about this, Mom..."

"Well, maybe it's okay, as long as I can watch this here TV..."

So far, so good!

"All done! Now get this pink cape offa me!"

The finished product, along with a little pink bow we got to pick out!

She wasn't keen on actually sitting in the car chair for the haircut itself (she sat on my lap instead), but once it was all over, she was fine with the photo op!

"So what's everyone else doing? And more importantly, can they see my little pink bow?!"

"I give this haircut experience five stars!"

"Mom, I really like this car thing! Can I drive us both home?"

Eleven days. And counting, but trying not to...

2011-07-31T15:53:00.009-06:00

Eleven days until I have to report [gulp] back to school for a brand-new school year! I must admit, as much as I've loved spending the summer with my girl--much like a SAHM's life would be, I imagine--I'm ready for more adult interaction! I do like the "break" that daycare provides for me, but it's still hard to be away from her for a full eight-plus hours per day. And there's just not that much time before and after school until she goes to bed. There are always the weekends, for sure, but it never quite feels like enough time together. And K is changing so much every single day!

She started walking full-time in early June, and now it's all about learning and saying new words. I started an official chronological list of the words she's started saying, and I hope I can keep up with it! She does babble all the time, and so much of it I don't understand, but more and more I am recognizing the words she is saying. She's starting to sign more, too, which is a lot of fun. I know that this school year will bring so many more dramatic changes as well.

I'm debating switching her daycare, though I don't have much time left in which to do so. She has a guaranteed spot at her daycare from last year, but I can't help wanting to investigate all my options. Thank goodness we're never locked in for the full year. If things don't "click", we can go elsewhere. I'm very nervous about her moving up to the toddler room...so many more expectations, I guess. Sometimes it seems like there just isn't much wiggle room for kids who don't necessarily follow the same routines as all the other kids. K still needs two naps per day, and I'm pretty sure they only make time for one daily nap. She'll be expected to be able to drink out of an open cup, which we're working on every day, and use a spoon, which she's getting better at. But I still consider her a fairly picky eater, and what happens when she decides she doesn't like what they're serving? Will she go hungry? I have no idea! I really need to stop by and talk with the toddler teachers, as well as have K spend at least a little time there so it won't be so new and possibly scary on her first day. Hard to believe I'm starting to think about preschool options...I swear she was just six months old a few weeks ago, lol. I'm sure it will all work out, but I'm still kinda nervous about all these changes.

Got my bloodwork results back from my RE, and things look really good. He sees no reason why I can't go forward with my plans. Good FSH levels, lots of follicles, all systems go. So my next DI will take place in early September. I have NO plans to say anything about this to anyone, friends or family, except one SMC friend who has twin boys, and she's been encouraging "round two" from the beginning. So we'll see what happens.

I'll leave you with a few pics of my parents' visit in early July...

Hangin' with Grandpa (gotta love that deer-in-the-headlights look!):

Auspicious!

2011-07-25T23:54:00.002-06:00

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all.

~Emily Dickinson

This quote is framed in one of the ultrasound rooms at my RE's office. I sat there, as I waited for my RE, and wondered how many other women before me had gazed at the very same quote...and pondered. Did they feel hopeful? Did it make them feel sad? Did they feel inspired to keep going? I have to say, reading that quote made me smile. It made me feel as though whoever put the quote there was truly thinking about what it might be like for their patients. Yes, I did feel hopeful.

And it turns out that I might just have reason to feel hopeful. Even though we have no idea about the quality of my eggs, much to my surprise, I did show four or five follicles on the right side and seven to ten follicles on my left side. Seven to ten! During the cycle in which I conceived my sweet K, I apparently only had one follicle. So how was this possible? I even took Femara to boost things along. I love the analogy that my RE popped off with: "Well, as you know, just because you're yelling at your children doesn't mean they'll listen!" I'm a rookie at this ovulation stuff, but apparently the number of follicles can vary--or really vary--during each cycle. Oooookay. But my RE looked at me and grinned and said that so far, things look really good! I won't get the results back from my day-three bloodwork for several days yet, but as of right now, it's all systems go for T42. Still not sure whether a second child is a wise idea, but for right now anyway, I'm very excited about the possibilities...

And so it begins...

2011-07-13T13:26:00.003-06:00

I had a very positive appointment with my RE yesterday, and it's starting to feel real that I'm going to go forward with this three-month stint of "trying". The three months are early September, October, and November, and this is my (short) window because I really want to time a pregnancy for a summer delivery while I'm out of school. If it doesn't happen during those three months, I'll reevaluate and see what I want to do next. It's definitely not an all-or-nothing deal. When I conceived K, it was on my third medicated iui. So I think it's possible. A slim chance, but still possible.

So The Plan will involve Fem.ara, pre-insemination ultrasounds to check the state of my follicles, trigger shots, and something new this time: injectibles. He also mentioned that if I so desired, I *could* do another HSG test, which apparently does increase fertility for a short period of time. That may have helped my previous success, apparently. Plus my RE did mention that his office now has new payment plans for those of us paying cash. My insurance plan does cover all diagnostic treatment, but nothing related to the inseminations themselves. But I'm prepared for that reality. And it's kinda nice to know that my financial stress related to this "try" won't last much beyond November. It was interesting to find out that during the cycle in which I conceived K, I only had one good follicle. Which I guess I knew at the time, but to hear it again from my RE really drove it home. But it was a really good follicle, apparently. All it takes is one, right? Something else I'm considering is acupuncture. I have NO idea how to find a good acupuncturist here, since as far as I know, no one I know has ever had acupuncture. It's worth asking about, I suppose. Falls into the can't-hurt-might-help category.

One surprising detail my RE mentioned is the statistic that in women my age (41), 90 percent of their eggs are chromosomally abnormal. What a depressing statistic! And a little hard to believe, considering how many pregnancies in 40+-year-old women I've read about. Successful pregnancies that result in real live take-home babies. Maybe it's true, I don't know. My goal is to put that out of my mind (or attempt to do so, anyway) and give September through November my all. I've concluded that even though I still go back and forth about the wisdom of having a second child, I'm happy I'm going forward with this and at least giving another pregnancy a try. Even if it doesn't succeed. Maybe God has other plans for us. :)

Weird dreams.

2011-07-06T21:58:00.007-06:00

Last night I had the most vivid dream...and it wasn't the first time for this particular topic. I dreamt that I delivered my own baby after going into labor unexpectedly in my bedroom late at night. Yes, by myself, since no one else was around, and basically I had to do what I had to do. I've always believed that what I felt during a dream is the most important aspect of it all--in other words, what my subconscious is trying to tell me through the dream--and in this one, there was no fear, no pain, no panic whatsoever. I wound up holding this incredibly cute, incredibly tiny newborn girl (who didn't look anything like K, by the way) wrapped in a soft blanket. All I felt was absolute happiness and contentment that she was mine. I looked at her features more carefully, especially her eyes, and realized that I thought she had Down Syndrome, which suddenly and completely changed my mental picture of her future. I knew it would be okay, though*, and later it turned out that she didn't have Downs after all, I was mistaken. I remember feeling relieved.

Sometimes, after having had a vivid dream like this one (the specific details and feelings have stayed crisp in my mind all day), if I curl up in bed the next night in the same position I was in while I was dreaming, I can almost revisit the dream and recall it more clearly. Something about muscle memory, I guess. This is one of a recent series of dreams over the past few weeks about having a newborn that isn't K...and in these dreams I'm happy. Next week is my RE appointment, and even though I'm scared to death to actually make this all real by going through with it, I'm more at peace with the idea of a second child than I was before.

* I'm a huge fan of Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things, and I read it on a regular basis. As a result, I now feel that it would truly be okay if I ever had a child with Downs, a blessing, even. Kelle is a true inspiration. If you've never checked out her blog, you should.

Terrified.

2011-07-01T12:03:00.003-06:00

I did it.

I called my RE's office and made a consultation appointment for July 12th. A hard phone call to make, believe it or not.

And I'm seriously terrified. Maybe because now I know what a BFP actually means...and yet I have no idea what it would be like to be a mom to two sweet babies.

They have a new policy of charging a $100 deposit to all new patients since they've had so many no-shows and cancellations just an hour before...but fortunately, after I told her I wasn't a new patient, I wasn't charged. My iui's aren't covered by insurance, but I do get to pay a co-pay for the initial appointment. So the plan is to talk with the RE and figure out which hoops I have to jump through (again) in order to proceed.

All day yesterday (when I made the phone call) I was surprisingly happy, kind of an I-have-a-secret feeling, and perhaps feeling like it might just be the right decision. I felt actual excitement about proceeding. Like maybe I can do this.

And if nothing else, if it doesn't work, it's a way to prove to myself and to K that I gave a second sibling a full-fledged try. No regrets, you know? Time will tell. :)

The good, the bad, and the...really good.

2011-06-17T01:46:00.006-06:00

The Good:

Small Good Thing #1: K and I ventured out to our local library tonight, and it's awesome! What a fabulous children's area. Her favorite part was being able to stand and play at a long, low table with tons of new-to-her toys. It was the first time she saw toy dinosaurs, that's for sure. She also loved doing puzzles with Mom and reading a few books together (lots of other things to see and do). But that was okay, since I checked out five good ones that I plan to return next Wednesday when we attend...Toddler Time! We just moved to this part of town in November, and truth be told, we just hadn't gotten around to checking it out yet. But now that K and I get to spend tons of time together this summer, it was the perfect opportunity. Personally, I love the fact that she might get the opportunity to spend at least a little time with other small people like she does during the school year at daycare. She met a three-year-old-ish boy named Cullen this evening who shared very nicely with her. Good times.

Small Good Thing #2: I was wanting to get rid of the really beat-up and useless grill in our backyard (back postage stamp) that had stayed there, unused, by the previous tenant for the entire two years she lived there. So I dragged the wretched thing (well, lifted it, actually) through the house and out the front door, and I put a "FREE" sign on it, hoping that someone, ANYone, would swing by and take it off my hands. And lo and behold, someone actually did! And the propane tank, too! No more nasty grill! Yes, I admit it, I did do a happy dance. Now if I can just get the grass seed to take...attempt number two.

Small Good Thing #3: I went to war with a particularly nasty computer virus, and I won! Or so it seems, anyway. I won't be overconfident about it, and now I know what to do should it rear its ugly head again. It was so insidious...it completely incapacitated my computer for two days, and I almost wasn't even able to boot up in safe mode, something I really needed to do in order to get rid of it. I was convinced I was gonna have to spend a bunch of money I didn't have to take it in somewhere and have someone look at it. It was one of these rogue FRAUDULENT! anti-virus programs called XP Sec.urity 2012, and it came complete with a firewall override, anti-virus override, and ability to very rapidly self-replicate before my eyes. Seriously nasty. So what I had to do was head over to my school and do an Internet search on how to get rid of it, and basically take copious notes. Which I did. And it worked! I'm still cleaning up the body parts strewn around my desk. So gross.

Small Good Thing #4: I've been eating a lot healthier lately. Lots of good protein, and yummy summer fruits and vegetables. Kinda proud of myself.

The Bad:

The really bad. My sister-in-law had a miscarriage last weekend. This was her first pregnancy, and she and my brother had known for about a month or so. She had seen her midwife, and possibly gotten an ultrasound already. After she miscarried, she apparently had a few more ultrasounds to confirm that the baby was gone. So heartbreaking for the two of them...I believe they had been trying for quite a while. My parents are sad too, of course. They received the good news about a month ago, and neither I nor my other brother even knew that Samantha was pregnant since apparently our brother wanted to tell us about it first, before my parents did. But neither of us had yet returned Ben's phone message, lousy sibs that we are. Samantha took the full week off from work, and both she and Ben are in my prayers for healing and peace and hope for another (successful) pregnancy. I feel quite sure that they'll be parents yet.

Still on the fence about whether or not to try for baby number two. But leaning strongly towards going for it.

The Really Good:

K saw her pediatric ophthalmologist, the Fabulous Dr. Lee, on Tuesday, and much to my surprise, not only will her prescription stay the same for the next SIX MONTHS!, but we also won't need to do any patching! For now, anyway. He did say that he can't guarantee that we won't have to patch ever, but I'm just so glad that we won't have to start patching anytime soon. Dr. Lee said he was very happy with how her glasses are helping her vision, her prescription is dead-on, and it's nothing but good that at this point, she doesn't need to patch and she doesn't need to have surgery. I'm still holding out hope that her farsightedness will improve as she grows...typically this is what happens with children's eyesight as the eyes mature, and she may end up only needing glasses for reading. Six months is longer than the typical next-appointment...no complaints here. And I'm super glad that I won't have to replace her basically-new lenses with a different prescription. I will need to invest in a (cute) back-up pair before school starts in August, but for now we're good with one pair of glasses. I need to post a pic of K in her new frames! I'll get right on that...AFTER I finish celebrating.

My cousin and her husband will be traveling to China in late August/early September to meet and take home their new 10-year-old daughter! They've been working on this adoption for literally years now, waiting far too long and working through all of the restrictions etcetera that China has seemed to arbitrarily set up for American adopting couples. I don't know all of the specifics, but I do know that the wait has been eternal. They just finished painting her room in her favorite color, green! Yes, I know that this news definitely ranks above the previous bullet, but you gotta remember, K is my absolute favorite person in the entire world, and the sun rises and sets with her. So there's that. So...please pray that Jen and Chris can maintain their stamina and bring their new daughter home to join their 10-year-old son, Kyle. I couldn't be more excited for them as they complete their family.

These boots were made for walkin'

2011-06-07T21:15:00.002-06:00

The past 48 hours have been absolutely magical! (Yeah, 'bout time I blogged about something other than Big Decision 2011.) Talk about rapid changes! K took her first steps on Mother's Day (May 8th), about three shaky steps into my outstretched arms. She's been cruising along the furniture since I-don't-know-when, and she's continued to do so. She'd take more steps towards me if I encouraged her to, but she was still pretty comfortable cruising around, holding onto something at all times. She loooooves her push toy that she pushes around all over the place. She got up to seven steps towards me about a week, week and a half ago, which was great. Little did I know her confidence would soar a mere week later!

A few days ago she started really working hard at standing up from all fours in the middle of the room, without anything to hold onto, and she's gotten so good at that! Her first attempts reminded me so strongly of a gymnast trying to stick the landing after a vault: knees bent, arms outstretched, trying so hard to balance without toppling over. And she's mostly conquered it! She still topples over now and then as she's trying so hard to stand up, but once she figured out how to stand up in the middle of the room, the logical next step (no pun intended) was to take steps forward without anything near her to hold onto! What really helped, much to my surprise, was taking out my large exercise ball, purportedly to start doing situps every night (yeah, riiiight). But she loves that ball, and she would pull herself up on it, push it away from her, and stand, balanced, with nowhere else to go but take steps towards the ball. That really seemed to be the turning point for her.

Over the last 48 hours she's been walking everywhere, toddling around like a drunk sailor. Still falling over, but she pops right back up again, ready to try again. Talk about teaching me some serious life lessons! No matter how many times you fall down, you just gotta get right back up again and give it another shot. The pride on her face and her ear-to-ear grin as she walks across the room warm my heart like nothing else. And she just goes as far as her little legs will carry her until she falls down, then she pops right back up again. Talk about magical days! I think school ended just in time, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss this for anything. The next week should be even more fun, as her confidence grows and she gets better and better at this walking gig. Now my job is to try to capture it on video and in photos. Thank goodness I found the charger for my camera's battery, which I'd been looking for for a while now. I will definitely post pictures as soon as I get a few good ones. (I'm not thrilled with the layout of the header for this blog, since my current favorite picture isn't oriented well for it. But we were on our way to the pool for the first time this season, and she just looked so cute sitting there! So much more a little girl rather than a baby.) This summer is off to an exciting start!!

What would I do without you?!

2011-06-06T22:10:00.010-06:00

I'm not sure how I would have made it this far in my decision-making process without all of the incredibly helpful comments I've received...seriously, you choice moms are amazing, and I thank you from the bottom of my indecisive heart!!! Lara (This May Be a Dream Come True) is absolutely right that emotional support during this time is critical, and I have to say, except for you wonderful ladies, I don't really have the kind that I need. The kind of emotional supporters that I need tend to "get it" in the ways that my friends who are moms (friends with supportive partners) just don't. No fault of their own, only that they're not in the same position that choice moms are, so they don't know our unique challenges. Challenges, I suppose, that other single moms face, but many other single moms by circumstance still receive financial support, for example. I still have this feeling that because I am consciously choosing this path, I'm "asking for it", including "asking for" all of the challenges that come along with raising two children on my own. Why am I not content with one? People automatically understand that there is a "pull" for some women to become a mom, so they understand the strong desire to follow this path and have A child. But I succeeded in having my child, so that should be enough, right? I achieved that goal. Why do I want to make my life that much harder by having two? Which is one of the questions I keep asking myself. THANK YOU ALL for listening to my waffling and for commenting with such thoughtful, caring, thought-provoking comments. Seriously, thank you. Your comments mean more and are helping far more than you know.

Extra-special thanks goes out to Navigating the Rapids (we'll barrel through this decision-making process together, somehow) who seems to be at the same place as I am. It is SO helpful to know that I am not the only person at this crossroads. Extra-special thanks also goes out to Lara at This May Be a Dream Come True, who is my hero because she's doing--and making it look easy--exactly what I would like to try to do: raising two vibrant, healthy, happy boys (in my case, though, one of them is a girl!) who do keep her on her toes! I love ALL of your comments, and they've been so helpful! Huge thanks also go out to Meg, Genkicat, MeAndBaby, hopefulcc, Shannon and SingularDesire for your thoughtful comments!! I admit it--I'm a bad, terrible, no-good commenter (I do comment in my head all the time, but obviously that doesn't count!!) so I especially appreciate the fact that you DO comment even though I don't reciprocate very well. I know I can do better, and I need to make more effort to do so. Please don't give up on me! I am SOO grateful that you all are out there, listening to me ramble, and helping me through this crazy journey of figuring it all out!!!

Hopeful

2011-06-06T17:45:00.003-06:00

Well, I did it. I called our sperm bank today. I was really curious about the status of K's donor, and I wanted to see what they could tell me regarding how many units there are left, what I would need to do to purchase units again, and so on. As I was already aware, K's donor is no longer making donations. As of today he has 33 units left, and there doesn't seem to be that much demand. He's been around for a long time now. But as the woman who answered the phone told me, you never can tell...someone could easily come along and purchase ten units. She suggested checking in every few months to see how many units there still were. When I mentioned that I was thinking about starting up again as soon as August, she said she thought I had nothing to worry about. So I have to download and fill out four forms, including one that needs to be signed by my RE. Which means...I need to make that appointment with my RE, and soon.

So yeah, as this post seems to indicate, I guess I'm back to wanting to go forward with number two, or at least give him/her a fair try. A lot of the time I still have this sick feeling in my stomach, wondering whether I'm making the right decision, wondering whether I might have regrets after I become pregnant. What if I do achieve pregnancy a second time and then figure out, after the fact, I can only handle/afford/manage life with one child and not two? Half of me is beyond excited to envision another baby and the other half is still questioning whether it's the right thing to do.

I spent some time last night searching out daycare options just to see what else is out there...one of the best results of my search was discovering another large church-based daycare center in my town that offers preschool starting at age two and a half, for a VERY reasonable cost, more than $50 less per week than our current daycare. That's, like, next school year (after the upcoming one), right after I would deliver this prospective baby. So I guess I'm back to thinking that the daycare behemoth is--gasp--almost doable. If I were to have K attend this other daycare as soon as next year, it would be $10 less per week than where she goes now, which to me is not much of a difference. I did reserve a spot for her for next year at our current daycare for a $90 deposit. Sure beats paying each week throughout the summer, something so many of the home-based daycares demand. I'm left thinking that there are options out there that might just work for us.

Sometimes I wish I had a partner just so I could have someone to help me make this difficult decision!!!!!!!!!

WaffleGirl

2011-06-04T16:02:00.002-06:00

Yes. WaffleGirl, that's me.

Now (this week, anyway) I find myself thinking that maybe it's best for me to try to be content with my one amazing girl and not try for number two. I've been thinking lately about how much more stressful life will be, most likely worrying about making ends meet for three of us each month. Paying for daycare for two is probably my biggest fear right now. I still don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea of a home-based daycare, yet I doubt I'll be able to afford two children at the daycare center K currently attends. Both children would receive a 10% discount off of their tuition, but still, that's not very much. Originally I was told that K's tuition would go down each year she was there, but now I've been told by the director that since tuition goes up each year (cost of living increase?!) , it would actually stay the same next year. Which is fine for next year, but in my mind I was counting on paying a little less. Disappointing.

Other concerns include paying co-pays for both kids when they're sick...definitely a concern considering how much K and I were sick this year. I only get a small number of days off per school year, so most likely another child equals having to take more days off. This year I ran out of days, which decreased my paycheck this month since I ended up taking one or two days without pay. I'm also having a hard time imagining getting two small kids and myself out the door each morning. It's not my biggest worry, but it's in there nonetheless. There are a ton of pregnancy concerns as well--affording copays for the OB, caring for K while I'm potentially sick, exhausted, not feeling well, etc., the potential of bedrest, and even my mental state during pregnancy while trying to be the best mom to K that I can. I had a hard time emotionally during my last pregnancy. Basically nine months of PMS. NOT looking forward to that, and how would it affect the way I interact with K? I'm having a hard time imagining what it would be like to have to divide my attention between two children. Would each child get enough attention, and feel loved enough? Not to mention the realities of sibling rivalry, competing for attention, fighting, and so forth and so on... Is it worth it in the end? Is it worth all the stress over finances? Is it worth changing the dynamics of my little family by adding another family member? These are the questions I struggle with.

I really wanted a sibling for K so she wouldn't feel quite so alone in having such a special, unique conception/birth story. I always pictured us as a family of three. I wanted her to have that special relationship with her sibling, and someone to play with. I'm really torn as far as whether I want to go through the whole pregnancy and birth experience again. I felt so relieved once I got past the 12-week mark in pregnancy, then into the second trimester, and then finally the third trimester...I'm still so painfully aware of how much a successful pregnancy is a gamble. Anything can go wrong at any time, all the way through. And just because you get to 40 weeks, it doesn't guarantee you a living baby at the end. Do I really want to go through all that fear again?? And then once your baby is here, there's the risk of SIDS...every month older that K became, I felt that much more relieved that the SIDS risk was lower. Would I really do it all again? I have no idea. I know this post makes me sound like an absolute scaredy cat, but I know I'm not the only single mother--or mother, period--who's had these thoughts and fears.

I could postpone trying again for another year, but it's a huge risk that my donor won't be available one year from this August. If I do decide to store his sperm for a future child, how many vials do I purchase and store? What if I change my mind in the meantime? What if by chance it took on the first try, and I spent all this money on extra vials that I won't end up using? I really don't know which path I'm going to take. A lot more soul searching is in my near future, I guess. I can much more easily envision a life with just K and me going along like we have been than I can envision adding another child to the mix. Things are good for us right now. Things are comfortable for us financially. I can afford to buy nice things for her. Do I really want to screw all that up? Perhaps the reality of me having no partner and no extra income from him will absolutely determine that I can only have one child. It sucks, but maybe that's the reality for us. It kinda breaks my heart. In my heart I really do want to have another child, but I'm not sure the risks outweigh the (massive) benefits. Any thoughts would really be appreciated...thank you in advance.

The Rainbow Connection

2011-05-21T22:41:00.002-06:00

I had forgotten how much I love this song (there's an instrumental version on the lullaby CD that K and I listen to as I rock her to sleep)...and now that I'm a mom, for whatever reason it almost always brings me to tears. Maybe it's just because it's such a wistful song, or that it seems to remind me that this innocence (of childhood) won't last. But now I just want to bawl every time I hear it. Who knew. And now it has an additional significance: I can't help wondering what will be on the other side of August, September, and October. Those three months represent my "window" for trying for baby number two. I really want--and need--to time a pregnancy for a summer delivery. August is definitely the preferred month to conceive, since it will give me the bulk of the summer off to enjoy a new little one without resorting to maternity leave. September and October will still work, but I would deliver later in the summer. At this point I am 100 percent resolved to go for it and see what happens. If it doesn't happen for me during those three months, would I try again next year? Not sure...but I know I don't need to decide that right now.

What I know for sure is the fact that I really want a sibling for K, and that two little ones will make my family complete. At this point our donor is still available, but I do wonder what I will decide if he is not in August. Would I be okay with picking a different donor? I definitely plan on calling the clinic SOON to set up a consultation with my RE (to find out what hoops I will need to jump through--again--in order to have more iui's), so once I have that consultation, I'm pretty sure I can just have the sperm delivered without facing storage fees. At least that's what I'm hoping. It's a big decision...one I've been pondering basically since K was born 15 months ago. I keep imagining what it might be like to be pregnant AND be caring for her at the same time, and I keep coming to the same conclusion that it's something I can definitely do. Hard, yes, but doable nonetheless. Having a newborn and a two-year-old will undoubtedly be the greatest challenge I'll face so far in my life, but again, I really think I can do it. Well, most of the time, anyway! And with some help, for sure. After K was born my mom flew in and stayed with us for a full month, and it was so appreciated. I can't imagine that she wouldn't be willing to do the same again. And after a few weeks, K and I got into our groove and the rest is history. A new normal, as they say. We'd need to find a new normal with two, for sure. The pondering will continue, I know, and I'll keep you posted as this thought process evolves. :)

Up, up, and away...

2011-04-26T22:48:00.005-06:00

Twenty minutes flat.

That's how long it took tonight for Little Miss K to figure out how to climb stairs. Thank goodness I had an extra baby gate stashed away for just this special occasion. We'll work on practicing climbing the first couple of stairs together, when I can watch her--since going up is so much easier than coming down--and the rest of the time the baby gate will be set up at the very bottom of the staircase. I'm glad our staircase is carpeted, but so not glad that most of the staircase is "open", with a big ol' vertical gap between each step. Hopefully that punkin head can't fit through the gap. We'll soon find out, I guess.

The crazy thing is, she's only been crawling for the past three weeks or so. Yes, she's nearly fourteen months old. Before, she had no use for crawling since she scooted everywhere on her butt...so much more efficient when you can scoot carrying a toy in each hand. And I'll tell you, that girl scooted fast. Especially on linoleum. SO much fun to watch! I'm glad I took some video of it while I could. Now she crawls--fast--everywhere. Her pediatrician wasn't concerned as long as she was "moving with purpose", and boy, was she. I was so relieved once she started crawling because I really just wanted to see her crawl! I was so sure she was just going to skip that step and go right to walking. As it is, she loves to walk around holding onto the handle of her push toy, and she really moves! She cruises like crazy and has started standing for a few seconds here and there without holding on. But so far, as far as I know, she hasn't taken those first unassisted steps. It won't be long now, I'm sure. Maybe just a matter of taking a "leap" of faith, a matter of confidence. I'll be so excited to witness that! I'm sure it's just around the corner...

But first, the scooting:

Yikes.

Splintered.

2011-04-24T14:14:00.003-06:00

My family has splintered.

That's the phrase that keeps running through my head. For the past almost-thirteen years, my extended family and I have worshipped at the same church: my aunt, my uncle, my grandmother, and me (and now little K too). K was baptized there last April third, the night before Easter, so yesterday was her baptismal birthday, so to speak. And my aunt and uncle are her godparents. Over the past year or so, there has been a lot of strife in our congregation because so many people, my uncle included, aren't happy with the way the pastor has (well, hasn't) been doing his job. A few weeks ago my uncle decided not to attend our church anymore, and has instead been investigating other churches to find a new church "home". I know full well it isn't about me whatsoever, but neither he nor my aunt bothered to let me know, and instead I found out from my grandmother that most likely I won't ever see him at our church again. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My aunt chose to stay...she is the church council president, a lot of people are depending on her, she has lots of good friends at the church, and she really cares about the well-being of the church and its congregation. A lot of the time, though, she's so busy doing church council things, singing in the choir, and deaconing, that she doesn't even sit with us during the services anymore. My grandmother's advancing age prevents her from attending every Sunday, though she goes whenever she feels up to it. So whereas before we used to all sit together and I could pretty much count on seeing everyone there every Sunday, now we're missing one family member for sure, and often we don't get to see the others, either.

It makes me incredibly sad. Sad, and angry/hurt that neither my aunt nor my uncle seem to care enough about K or me to even fill us in, as though my uncle doesn't think that his absence even makes an impact on us. Almost thirteen years, and now everything's changed. Not to mention that my aunt and uncle are K's godparents...I don't even know what to make of that. Hopefully time will help to ease how sad I feel about all this.

Thank you, I needed that!

2011-04-18T13:39:00.006-06:00

Huge thanks to LoveYouAlready for turning me onto Kelle Hampton's amazing blog, Enjoying the Small Things. I truly feel like someone just opened a window and let in a fresh spring breeze, which I totally needed. Kelle is an incredible writer and an even more amazing photographer, and I'm finding that I totally lose myself in her words and pictures. Even just thinking about her blog makes me a bit emotional, because hers is a truly incredible story. If you haven't been over there to "meet" Kelle, Lainey, and Brett (as well as Austyn and Brandyn, her stepsons) and read Nella's birth story, run, don't walk, as soon as you can. You won't regret it, and her blog may just change your complete outlook, which it seems to have done for mine.

At this very moment, though, it's her music that's lifted my spirits. I was so in need of getting to know some new artists and songs, and I need to credit Kelle for my new-and-improved music player. The best part? I frequently pull up my blog at work just to listen to the music, and now I can bring Kelle's music to work with me, too! That completely makes me smile. (Because I so don't enjoy my job right now. But that's another post altogether.)

Her latest post, Over Easy, makes me absolutely want to run out and buy a brand-new 96-color box of Crayolas and a few coloring books. I might just do that. Right after I listen to a few more new songs, and smile.

Glasses!

2011-04-09T18:03:00.003-06:00

These three pics, plus my header, are my favorites so far. They were all taken on her thirteen-month birthday on April 2nd. What a character!

This and that

2011-03-30T23:10:00.002-06:00

Just a quick update...

Glasses for K still haven't come in yet. I just want to get on with it already, get her started getting used to them over the weekend and send them to daycare with her sometime next week. Thank you, everyone, for your comments and stories...I'm much more at peace with the whole thing now than I was last week. Everything will ALL work out.
Serious Weight Loss Plan starts on Friday. Only because it's April first, and I want to make great progress by the end of May at the very least. They always say you have a much better chance of achieving a goal by going public with it, so here it is. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it. I did lose 40 lbs before I got pregnant, so I know I can do it. It's all a matter of committing to it "officially" NOW. No more chocolate, Heather.
Eight more weeks of school before summer break. And yes, I'm counting down. Seventh graders SUCK in the springtime, just in case you were wondering. The upside is the fact that I'm in the midst of planning an awesome and rejuvenating unit on incorporating art, photography, and writing (specifically poetry in response to art) that will get us through the end of the year. It'll culminate in a gallery-type of celebration for students and parents that will coincide with the spring choir, band and orchestra concert in May...can't wait.
Our school talent show is on April 29th, so things are going to be busy this month as I get everything lined up for that.
K turns 13 months on Saturday!! Woo hoo! This morning was a tad rough only because it was the very first time that K cried as though her heart would break when she realized I was dropping her off at daycare and actually LEAVING her there. She loves it there, but it's that separation anxiety thing in full force. She was so sad this morning as I left...yes, I did shed a few tears in the car on the way to school. But it's all part of her growing up, I know. The trade-off is how ecstatic she was to see me when I picked her up again this afternoon. I think we were equally happy to see one another after a long day.
SO glad warmer weather is on its way...eventually. I have big plans for my backyard, even though it's pretty much the size of a postage stamp...grass seed needs to be sown, and I can't wait to plant flower and vegetable gardens back there. I have a wonderful vision of K and me hanging out back there together this spring and summer, enjoying the flowers and the great weather. Spring weather always puts me in a good mood!

Glasses!

2011-03-24T18:08:00.006-06:00

*sigh*

I can't believe it. I've been processing this turn of events since Tuesday. Her little glasses haven't come in yet, but I know I'll feel better about it once they arrive (hopefully tomorrow). She's *very* farsighted, and her prescription is a strong one. Our next appointment with Dr. Lee is at the beginning of June, when he'll reevaluate the state of her vision and decide what's next, or perhaps tweak her prescription. The next step might be patching (to be worn with the glasses) and potentially surgery down the road. But Dr. Lee did say that he'd be very surprised if she actually ends up needing the surgery.

So what's on my mind, exactly?

Does this make my baby "special needs", since babies with glasses are relatively rare?
The unbelievable cost. I spent $500 on her glasses on Tuesday, and I'm afraid to even ponder how quickly she'll grow out of them. She's only 12 1/2 months old, and she's growing fast. I can't add her to my vision plan until November, so I'm stuck with these kinds of expenses until then.
Will insensitive strangers make comments or even worse, make fun of her? How will I handle stupid questions??
Buyer's remorse. I REALLY wish I had shopped around more before I placed the order for her glasses. I received horrible customer service at the children's eyeglass place that's located right inside the Children's Eye Center, especially as a first-time buyer of glasses for a baby. I should've just walked away and gone somewhere else. But I do like the frames I did order...sweet pale pink with an elastic band that goes around the back of her head. I just hope they fit...what if they're not the right size? I mean, are these things returnable?!
So many options for frames for babies and toddlers...lots of decisions down the line as she grows and I have to buy new pairs. I can barely pick out frames for myself, which is why I haven't owned a pair of glasses in over ten years. (I wear contacts.)
I really should order a pair of glasses for myself in the near future, which seems to be the general consensus of many other parents of babies in glasses...they say it helps when Mom wears 'em, too.
Will the extra costs of keeping K in glasses be too prohibitive for trying again for baby #2? Which brings me to...why on earth can't I just be happy with the idea of only one child?? I can't really fathom spending a grand on each attempt that MIGHT NOT WORK now that I know how much a thousand bucks means for K and me. That's more than a month of daycare costs. And can I even risk waiting another year and trying again when I'm almost 43?

Okay, so you can see from the last unrelated bullet that I have more on my mind than just the glasses issue, but it all seems to lead into something else. Oh, and I also started a list of resources for parents of babies with glasses...just for me, but maybe it'll help someone else in the same boat, who knows.

Worried.

2011-03-11T02:24:00.002-07:00

And I'm trying not to be, but it's not working. It's like this dark shadow that's constantly in the background of the daily minutiae. We have an appointment on March 22nd with the opthalmologist at a place called The Children's Eye Center. I'm glad we have the appointment (really glad) because I want to be proactive about it...I've noticed that when she focuses on things that are close-up, K's eyes have a pronounced cross to them. And according to her pediatrician, this should be getting less noticeable, not more. I'm noticing it more and more, and there are times when she'll look up at me from whatever she was doing and her eyes stay crossed a little bit instead of lining up correctly. Not every time, but definitely more often.

Truth be told, I'm completely freaked out because I'm afraid this might be forecasting a lot of vision problems to come, and that's the last thing I want for her. I have to keep reminding myself that it's still so early--she's only twelve months old--and there's lots of time for correction, whatever that might entail. According to her main caregiver at daycare, whose grandkids dealt with it, they typically start with a patch and then move on to glasses. I'm fine with both of those options, but it's the unknown that's really freaking me out.

I know I'll feel a lot better once I find out what Dr. Lee has to say. We saw him once back in September about her blocked tear duct, and he mentioned that he thought she was more farsighted than a lot of other babies her age, which certainly fits in terms of the eye crossing. (I'm a bit confused by that, since I'm extremely nearsighted and K's donor didn't need any vision correction, according to his profile. There is no farsightedness in my family at all. But I'm sure it happens as a fluke, too...doesn't need to be inherited.) Apparently what can happen, if it's left untreated, is that the brain stops being able to interpret what the eyes might actually be seeing, and vision can actually be lost...such a scary thought.

I hate the idea of my precious girl having "special needs" in any way at all...I really hope this works out in the best possible scenario. Perhaps I know too much...I see how the kids at the middle school where I teach bully one another, especially kids who are even the slightest bit different, and it truly breaks my heart. Fighting against bullying is an uphill battle on a daily basis, and we do the best we can, but...

Only ten more days to go, and then I will get to rest a little easier. Like I said, it's the not knowing that's so hard.

One year ago today...

2011-03-02T23:28:00.007-07:00

...my world was turned upside-down, and I couldn't be happier. My sweet Kiernan Sienna came into the world, and she has brought so much joy and love to me and to my family. I am so blessed!!

Here she was on day one...

And here she is at her spunky best on day 365...

I just love her to pieces. I can hardly believe it's been a whole year! So much has happened since those first days, and I am so thankful every day for her. Right now she's pulling up on absolutely everything and cruising around the furniture...not crawling, though, which is something I was looking forward to. I don't think it'll be long before she takes her first steps by herself...she loves walking around from person to person, grasping their fingers for balance. She's found her perfect method of scooting around on her butt, which seems to work for her so she's not interested in figuring out how to crawl. She jabbers away constantly, with "Mama" a frequently-heard word, and so much of her jabbering sounds like actual language. I can't wait for her to start using actual words for different objects! She loves to snuggle, especially right before bed when she snuggles right into my arms and falls asleep. I'm hard-pressed, though, to get up off the couch and bring her up to her bed right away...many evenings I've enjoyed just holding her for an extra hour, sometimes two, as she sleeps. It's quite addictive.

I've just started her on whole milk (often mixed in with her formula) and we're still working on finger foods, which has been slow going because she seems quite picky about textures (she gags) and doesn't seem interested in eating many table foods except Cheerios, teething biscuits, and puffs. She seems slow to accept new foods, but I'm hoping that she will eventually. Her top two teeth have just broken through, so I'm hoping that once it's easier for her to actually chew with her bottom and top teeth together, the table foods will come. We keep trying, though. She's getting really good at drinking from her straw sippy cups, and she also loves drinking from "regular" cups as well.

She loooooves her toys, and has definite favorites, and she also loves exploring and discovering new objects, many of which Mom is NOT happy that she's found. She knows how to keep her mama on her toes! I love the fact that she is enjoying books more and more, and she seems to love playing with the board books she "finds" (that I've left out for her) as well. So much more to say, and not enough hours left in the day. I'm exhausted! (state standardized testing at school this week) So I'm off to bed. Happy birthday, baby girl--I love you so much!

Bittersweet.

2011-02-27T23:39:00.010-07:00

Amazingly enough...this is the week. K turns one year old this Wednesday! So I have a hunch that I'll be posting a lot this week.

So many changes! Even just over the past couple of days. She is pulling up on absolutely *everything*, and she even made all sorts of progress over the span of just today. We spent most of the day with my extended family, parents included (they're in town for her birthday, for what will be a total of ten days), and wow, was she busy! Walking from hand to hand to hand, all around the room where we were all hanging out, pulling up on sofas, ottoman, legs, seated torsos, you name it. She doesn't crawl, but scoots to beat the band, and that seems to have served her well, so she doesn't seem to see a need for actual crawling. She's been practicing her pulling up, standing, and cruising in her crib in the mornings before I wake up, and she's become SO sturdy! She holds on and walks around with only one hand grasping someone's finger, and her balance is getting better and better. She had a ball today walking from person to person, which is a luxury we don't really get at home since it's just the two of us. Today she even let go once she got close enough to someone to "lunge" at them and reach her destination. This is a kid who has been such a late bloomer in terms of gross motor skills...late to sit up independently, late to army crawl (well, sort of), late to scoot, late to pull up, late to get teeth, late for it all, including no traditional crawling. Which hasn't really bothered me (though it probably sounds like it has, as it reads here), but I HAVE wondered when it all would kick in and come together. Now it's all happening so fast that my head is starting to spin.

As excited as I am to see her grow and change, there's a part of me that wants her to stay little for at least a short while longer. I'm finding myself feeling a little sad because these stages are passing so quickly. She'll never be "learning to walk" like this again. Her top two middle teeth are coming in now, so I have to say goodbye to the charming toothless (and familiar) grin she's had up till now. (Her bottom two have been in for a while, but for whatever reason it's different with the top two. So much more of a "grown-up" smile when you have top teeth, too.) She's truly becoming a different, more grown-up little girl. Exciting, but more than a little bittersweet, too.

I'm still struggling with whether or not to try again this fall. I am tentatively planning to try again for number two in August, September, October, and possibly November, should it come to that. Due to how expensive my first maternity leave was (in my school district, we have to pay for the long-term sub who covers our classes throughout maternity leave), I really want to plan to deliver in May or June and enjoy the summer off with a newborn. But now that I've brought K through her first year relatively unscathed, I'm wondering if I even want to go through it again with another baby. As fun as the first year was, there was also stress and worry, particularly about SIDS, not to mention the potential worry about the delivery itself. I think I just know too much about what could go wrong. And I feel so lucky that K is doing so well these days. Time will tell, I know. I'll just keep gauging my feelings throughout the spring and summer and go from there.

What didn't happen throughout K's first year:
No hospital visits for rotavirus, pneumonia, MRSA, and so on. No hospital visits at all. No stitches, like my cousin's little boy, Robbie, had just prior to his first birthday. No strep. Only one ear infection, as far as I know. No crawling, unfortunately. (I was really looking forward to that.) Transitioning to finger foods has been challenging...she seems quite picky about textures, which has slowed things down a bit. That, and the lack of teeth. Breastfeeding past seven months.

What did happen throughout K's first year:
Great sleep! She's been a fabulous sleeper pretty much since the beginning. She's been sleeping through the night since around four or five months, which has made for a much happier mom. Lots of scooting instead of crawling, which has been that much more entertaining. She has a great daycare, and both of us are very happy with it. Lots of little friends for her, and it's been fun for me to greet them all when I drop her off and pick her up each day. Daycare costs have been manageable for the most part. Lots of snuggling, which I love, especially at bedtime when she has her last bottle and falls asleep in my arms (after I brush her teeth, of course!). She's developed a great sense of humor, which gives me a glimpse into what kind of older kid she's probably going to be. Amazing fine motor skills, which have been there from pretty early on. She's finally taken to her straw sippy cups and figured out how to drink from the straws. We started whole milk just today, and she seems to like it. Breastfeeding and pumping until she was seven months old. Wish it had been longer, but I'm still proud of having done it as long as we did. Napping has been good for the most part, too. K slept in her cosleeper next to my bed until a few weeks ago, when she started pulling up and I decided it was a bit too risky to continue. Lots of good, not too much that was overly challenging.

Things have really gone smoothly over the past year. Everyone talks about how hard the first year is, especially the first several months, but truth be told, it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be. A lot easier than I expected, actually. We found our rhythm early on and just went with it. Things came very naturally, I think, and I enjoyed the heck out of her first year! We really just did what worked best for us. If I had it to do all over again, there really wouldn't be much I'd change. The second year is going to have SO! MANY! CHANGES! and I'm not sure I'm ready for it all, but I'm certainly willing to give it a go. I can't wait till K walks regularly and starts talking, but there's also so much to teach her, too. It's all part of the journey. :)

(This first picture shows the second time K has fallen asleep "folded in half" over her outstretched legs...talk about flexible! I tell her she'll never be that flexible again. I had to take this picture before I helped her straighten out, and she didn't even wake up.)

On bravery

2011-02-15T22:39:00.006-07:00

My cousin just sent me a link to a blog post about the bravery it requires to have a c-section, and my response to her has left me drained...it brought up so many thoughts that have been buried pretty deeply. Perhaps some of the most honest writing I've done in quite a while. Just for the heckuvit, I'm posting it here.

Here is a snippet of her affirmation to me, just so you know what my first paragraph is responding to:

"I know that I tend to make grand statements about birth, and I always seem to second-guess myself after the topic has come up in conversation with you, like it did this past weekend. You already have been on such an incredible journey, from conception of idea to conception of baby, to pregnancy growth and nurturing, to birth, to daily feats of super-mommyhood while juggling work and home. And I am in awe. Truly and honestly. And you should hear that affirmation more often."

My response:

Hi, Jill!
Wow! Thank you for the affirmation...you're right, I never really hear that from anyone. Well, except for occasionally from my mom, and I definitely appreciate it when she does tell me she thinks I'm doing a good job. Counts for a lot.

Thank you as well for the link...though in all honesty, I have mixed feelings about the tone of her post. Of course, we all tend to "hear" words in print through the filters of our own experiences, so I'm sure I'm no exception. Although I suppose my cesarean surgery itself did require some measure of bravery, I have a clear recollection that I did not feel overly panicked or worried when my OB told me that he felt it was best to move towards a c-section...I've seen so many of them on all those silly birth shows I watched. I know, not the same when it's you on the table, but I think it was because I had spent a lot of time considering the possibility and wondering how I'd feel if it came to that. Plus, my doctor was so calm when we talked about it. I definitely knew that my pushing wasn't doing anything, and I was worried that baby girl might end up in distress. Instead, the panic came when he told me that I was going to be put under general anesthesia, and when things started happening at warp speed (particularly the splashing of the betadyne). Wow, I feel like I'm reliving it even as I write this. That's what took extreme bravery, knowing that I was going to sacrifice the precious moments I had so been looking forward to, the moment when she entered the world for the first time and that incredible first cry. I didn't know it at the time, but I would also end up sacrificing much of that first day with her, since I have such foggy memories of it all, especially the first time they put her in my arms. I really wish I could remember that. I would never in a million years consent to another emergency c-section under general anesthesia (unless I absolutely had to, of course), and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. A planned c-section with an epidural I would definitely go for, especially if it meant I would actually be conscious for the birth. I really don't think I'd want to have anything but a planned c-section, since anything else, including VBAC and vaginal delivery in general, still carries the risk of things going awry and me having to go under general anesthesia again. I just refuse to risk it. Back to bravery, though, I think what required even more bravery from me ( and still does, on a daily basis) is my decision to become a choice mom in the first place. Some days I can't even believe I've done this to such a precious little girl...choosing to bring her into this world without a father and not knowing how she's going to feel about it in the future. For lack of a better term, I don't want her to feel like a freak, having a donor for a biological father. There are so many unknowns. I'd do anything to avoid hurting her in any way, but sometimes I worry that it's too late for that, I've made my choice and now we both have to live with it. Of course I don't want to frame her story in any kind of negative way, but I'd be lying if I said these thoughts don't cross my mind now and then. Every day I have to be brave enough to forge ahead with the faith and hope that she'll be okay with the unique way she came into the world--so much rides on my ability to explain it to her when she's old enough to start to understand it. I hope I can do justice to her story. To me this far outweighs the bravery it took to get through her delivery...that only lasted a day, and this is going to last her lifetime. Wish me luck, haha. But thank you for the thought-provoking link, and I hope to see you guys again soon!!!

In all honesty, I'm in kind of a dark place tonight, so I'm not surprised that this response feels dark as well. K is still the best accomplishment of my life to date, and I can't imagine living a day without her. I live for the time each day that I get to spend with her, and weekends are absolute bliss. I do wonder how my cousin will respond to what I've written...I'll keep you posted.

It's really true.

2011-02-02T00:55:00.003-07:00

Once you have a kid, your perspective on dating and relationships changes drastically. For better or for worse, I think perhaps I've become more discriminating...because now there's someone else's welfare to safeguard. I would daresay that I've always been very independent and resistant to depending on anyone, which is especially tough now as a mother because there are (and will be many more) times that I have to depend on someone else's help. But in terms of dating and relationships? Fuhgeddaboudit. I feel like it's almost like, one strike and you're out. Which is exactly how I feel right now.

He's not who I thought he was.

How disappointing. But life goes on.

But is the grass always greener?

2011-01-25T22:02:00.002-07:00

I think not.

I went to check out a home-based daycare that one of my colleagues uses just because I was curious, and I was...underwhelmed. The woman who runs it seemed perfectly nice, capable (I guess), but I find myself thinking that I just prefer a daycare center instead. It just feels so much more secure and, well, predictable. For both of us. She watches up to five kids by herself, and the kids are a wide range of ages. Three big dogs. Two cats. One bird. Sure, she's accredited and insured. She's been running her daycare for five years now. But as I looked around her house, a little voice in the back of my head just kept whispering, "But anything could happen here--this is someone's home, not an established center with lots of staff members around all the time." Perhaps choosing a home-based daycare is a matter of one's gut instinct...not sure. And my gut instinct is telling me "No." (Oh, by the way, the reason I decided to check it out is because our daycare center is definitely one of the more expensive daycare places in town. And I feel that if I can find someplace comparable, I really should be socking more money away in savings, if possible.) For now, I think we'll stay put. But maybe still keep feelers out anyway. Oh, and something else: our daycare center does not require me to pay over the summer, just a $95 application fee to hold K's spot. This place, like many other home-based centers I'm sure, asks for $300 per month over the summer to hold her spot, half of the regular monthly fee. I'd be paying $750 this summer for...nothing. And right now I'm paying roughly $120 more per month than this home-based daycare, which will go down by $40 per month each year K is enrolled. But it's like they always say, you get what you pay for. And in addition to a whole lot of other advantages, I think I'm getting a whole lot more peace of mind, to say the very least.

There's nothing better than...UPDATED

2011-01-19T22:30:00.003-07:00

...having your crush ask for your phone number.

Today he did. He really did, completely unprompted, AND he gave me his number, too. And it even sounds like he fully intends to actually--*gasp!*--call me. To talk. To me. Unreal.

The hard part (the very hard part) is the fact that we work together, so I have to do everything in my power to keep this, whatever this is or might be, under the radar. My workplace is such a gossip mill, which I hate. But it's also exciting because we've been getting to know one another for the past few months, and I truly believe that something might actually be developing here. One of my close friends (also a coworker) remarked today after she witnessed him greet me at lunch that he's definitely "different" with me than with everyone else.

"Different how?" I asked her.
"I don't know, like there's something more between you."

I'll take it. He's a terrific guy, three years my senior, single dad to three boys (but only one is still at home), currently a teacher but also an actor (i.e. several commercials and voiceovers), screenwriter, and all-around fascinating person. We always seem to have tons to talk about, so it'll be interesting to find out how we'll communicate on the phone.

Thank God for this blog, since I can't even really hint at anything on Facebook. And now I actually have a reason to look forward to going to work! ;)

UPDATE: I take that back. There's nothing better than actually being asked out by your crush! And the delicious secret of being able to see one another at work but try not to let on that there might be anything more than friendship going on. We don't have firm plans yet, but it was his suggestion that we get together at some point and spend some time together. The trick, of course, is making that happen...we live an hour away from one another, he has a 16-year-old with special needs, and I have a 10-month-old. It'll be interesting, to say the least.

The Locator

2011-01-10T00:47:00.002-07:00

I seriously love this show, even though I cry my eyes out at each episode. I think it's on the We channel, and I have my DVR set to record each and every episode that airs. To me it reinforces the eternal strength and pull of that mother-child bond, and I always end up kissing and hugging my girl extra hard after every episode I watch. I am SO thankful for her, every day and always.

Yet at the same time, I always end up feeling sad because I can't help wondering whether K will feel that need to try to find her donor someday. Not that she'd be successful, because I think she won't, considering how iron-clad the privacy and confidentiality laws are when it comes to sperm banks. I plan on framing her story as a beautiful, extra-special mystery that is supposed to remain a mystery because that's what makes it so special and unique. But my heart always breaks a little when I think about the possibility of her feeling some kind of hole in her identity because she won't know who her biological father is, ever. I don't even like to use the word "father" , biological or otherwise, because to me, a donor is NOT a father, not even close. I wish I had some answers. And I hope with every fiber of my being that my sweet girl will accept her mystery and be okay with it. She certainly has an extended family that completely adores her, so she won't be lacking for family members who think the world of her. That's gotta count for something, right?

Ten months!

2011-01-08T00:25:00.004-07:00

You want me to eat THAT?!

2011-01-08T00:14:00.011-07:00

There! I did it! Are you happy NOW?!

note to self: Don't Be a Stranger.

2011-01-07T23:03:00.005-07:00

...which is exactly what I've been to this blog as of late. Not sure why, exactly, except that I have a sneaking suspicion that a touch of PPD might have been involved. Nothing truly incapacitating, but just enough for me to withdraw for a little while. Truly, everything is fine...more than fine, in fact. And busy. Very, very busy, especially throughout December.

My colleague Lisa has been on maternity leave since the birth of her boys, Ben and Jake, in mid-July. She took extra time off at no pay, which was completely worth it for a choice mom of twins. Her long-term sub at our school had been here since school began in August, but unfortunately was abruptly fired two weeks before the start of Christmas break. An asinine accusation by a disgruntled seventh grade student that she hit him in anger. I don't buy it, but whatever. Lisa teaches half of the seventh grade at our school (language arts), and I teach the other half, so it was left to me to put together all of the lesson plans for her daily subs for those two weeks, plus grading their work. Her students plus my students equals 240 kids. I was a tad overwhelmed, to put it mildly. But I got through it--with my sanity relatively intact--and K and I had a delicious Christmas with my parents back in upstate New York.

Traveling was interesting, to say the least. On our way out to New York, we were delayed at O'Hare for an extra five hours. K was absolutely amazing...she stayed upbeat, relaxed and happy throughout the entire 13-hour day, and we received compliments after every flight by the passengers who had been sitting nearby that she was "such a good baby!" At one point on one of the airplanes we flew on, another toddler was having such a hard time and was so distressed, that my mama heart reacted instinctively and brought me to tears for another woman's baby. Amazing...I didn't expect that at all. K doesn't get that upset very often, so I'm just not used to hearing that level of distress. Of course, the amount of stress I had been under during the last two weeks of school before break was probably a factor, too.

On the way back on New Year's Eve, we had to fly standby almost the entire way. The ticketing agents in Syracuse didn't issue me a boarding pass for K, but instead handwrote "+ infant" on my boarding pass. I should have known better, but instead I just hopped on the plane for Philadelphia and assumed it would all work out. Once we arrived at the Philly airport, we were told that I had to return to ticketing to get a new boarding pass for K, which involved finding an entirely different terminal, waiting in endless lines, and going through security yet again. We ended up missing our flight to Chicago by ten minutes. Luckily, we were able to catch another flight to Chicago only a couple of hours later and fly standby, and we were also put on a list to fly standby from Chicago back to Colorado. What really stunk, in addition to the extra waiting around and the uncertainty of getting a seat on the next two planes, was the fact that they would be charging me an additional $50 to fly standby, and it wasn't really my fault in the first place. But again, we soldiered through and arrived back in Colorado around 9:15 pm. After my aunt and uncle picked us up and brought us to my car which was parked at my grandmother's condo, we finally got back home by 11 pm on New Year's Eve, just in time for me to wish K a happy new year. It was an incredibly icy drive home due to the ice storm the previous day, but I drove as fast as I dared (which was veeeery slowly) and we got home safely. Mom thinks I should petition the airline for a refund of my $50, but I haven't decided yet. I started back to work on Monday, kids returned on Wednesday, and not surprisingly they are NOT happy to be back at school after Christmas break. Nope, not happy at all. But we survived the rest of the week, and now I get to spend what will hopefully be a lovely weekend with my best girl.

My Resolutions for 2011.

1. Build up an arsenal of babysitters that I can call as needed. And pay. Friends have offered to babysit and have stayed with K, but I'm finding that I almost prefer to pay someone because then I don't feel like I "owe" that person for doing me a favor.

2. Find other choice moms in my area and form a group. Or join an already-existing group. K needs to meet other little ones with similarly unique family stories, and I need to be able to compare notes on the "daddy issue" when it eventually comes up. I'm just trying to figure out how to put it into words once K is old enough to start to understand it.

3. Lose 30 pounds.

4. Build up my savings. For emergencies, and also to possibly prepare for #2 next fall.

5. Find a way to become more self-confident in terms of my appearance and my "new" identity as a mom. Not sure how to achieve this one, but I definitely plan to work on it somehow. More to come on this later.

That's it, for a start. I know there are more, but those are the biggies so far. I feel that it goes without saying that I want to be the best mom I can be to K, and to help her grow, learn, and thrive. She's doing so well so far...I love the fact that she seems to feel secure in our relationship and family structure. She is SUCH a happy kid! She is constantly smiling at me with her toothy grin (two teeth so far!) and laughing when we're goofy together, giggling when I tickle her under her chin, and so playful with her toys and with me. I love the way she plays with my fingers, especially when she's enjoying her before-bed bottle, and she's so inquisitive, almost to a fault. Once she becomes mobile, I think I'm in for it. She's busy scooting 360 degrees, and she can pretty much get where she wants to go, though crawling will be that much more efficient once she figures it out. She's got amazing fine motor skills, and I'm not surprised that her gross motor skills are developing more slowly, considering that it took her a little longer than most to sit independently. But she'll get it eventually. She loves to stand with a little help, she loves to bounce, and she just started trying to pull up on furniture (and people) at the end of December. I am completely in love with her personality, especially her emerging sense of humor and the way she babbles and holds cooing conversations with me. My favorite by far, though, is "mamamamama"...music to my ears.

We were in New York at my parents' house when the above picture was taken, and she looks like such the sad little inmate! So resigned to her fate stuck in the crib! That crib was used for all three of us kids, and has held up remarkably well over the years.

The highchair in the above picture has an interesting history, as well: the three of us kids AND before us, my mom and her two younger sisters used it, too! Mom was born in '41, so it really dates back. Mom painted it in the early '70's (can'tcha tell from the colors?!), and it's really stood the test of time.

"Yay! Ribbons!!"

"What's in there? I see something!!"

What, you didn't get what you asked for from Santa? :)

can't wrap my head around it

2010-12-05T14:27:00.003-07:00

Why do these things have to happen?? Paige, I am so sorry for your loss. It's just not fair, which is such an understatement.

My heart is breaking for her.

Please keep Paige in your thoughts and prayers...I wish I could hug her in person. :(

My brother is amazing...see for yourself! (Sepia Tone feat. my baby bro, Ben Mills, on sax)

2010-11-15T00:09:00.003-07:00

heart = broken

2010-11-10T20:31:00.002-07:00

I can hardly type the words. Mo and Will just lost their sixth pregnancy, and we all were SO hopeful that this one would be the one, especially after doing their microarray right here in Denver. It doesn't even feel real. Please keep them in your prayers. :(

My daughter has way too many...

2010-11-08T22:25:00.003-07:00

SWEATERS. Seriously. How many sweaters does an 8-month-old really need?! Yes, I know winter is coming. And we live in Colorado. There are a few sweaters that she doesn't fit into yet. But this is a bit ridiculous.

Damn you, eBay. Damn you to hell.

Where is that 12-step program I keep looking for??!!

PS -- Okay, so I had to go and count them. She has seven that I have bought her, and three more that were either hand-me-downs or knitted for her. But seriously! Seven! No eight-month-old needs a sweater for every day of the week. I think I need professional help.

The. Big. Update.

2010-11-04T16:06:00.003-06:00

Jeez! I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted!! I'm just about to go pick up K from daycare, and I was thinking I'd take some eight-month pictures this afternoon before it gets too dark. So I'll post 'em soon.

Here's the lowdown of what we've been up to over the past month:

We moved!! I started packing and all that joyfulness about six weeks ago, when I found out I'd be able to move this fall instead of next summer, and it's been nothing but busy-ness ever since. I can finally say that I'm done moving, but definitely not done unpacking. Last night I got so sick of looking at the boxes strewn around the living room that I went into a total cleaning frenzy and unpacked a ton of stuff...but I do still have a small mountain of boxes next to the windows in the living room. I can't wait to go home tonight and survey the cleared space! It's satisfying. We now live in a very cool two-bedroom townhome (with an upstairs! Yay!) that has everything I was hoping to find except for a garage. Big rooms for both of us complete with vaulted ceilings and skylights, huge closets, fireplace that I can't wait to use this winter, cute (read: small) backyard with space to garden and plant grass in the spring, and the most beautiful renovated bathroom I've ever seen. Right out of a magazine. I never knew I'd be so excited about fixtures!! I'm so glad I'm all moved out of the old place. The mice can have it all to themselves. Yeah, I know. Mice. Horrible for an about-to-crawl baby. I did 95 percent of the moving all by myself, since the people who offered had things come up last-minute. I was disappointed for a while there, since I'm taking care of K on my own AND teaching middle school full-time AND trying to get us moved all the way across town. But I did it, and I'm really proud of myself.

K turned eight months on Tuesday. I can hardly believe it! She's doing all sorts of new things, and I love every minute of it. It sure helps that she's in a new room at her daycare with kids who are a little older...lots of crawlers and walkers in there. Her latest thing is babbling nonstop, which is so entertaining to listen to and respond to, especially on the commute home in rush-hour traffic. She LOOOVES her bathtime, especially splashing and playing with her toys. She still loves to stand (supported) as often as possible, and now she's finally sitting by herself too. She cut her first tooth two Saturdays ago, and unfortunately it's all about the funky diapers now. Terrible diaper rash, which we're battling on a daily basis. Lots of frequent, irritating poops (sorry, TMI). I keep reading that this is all a part of teething, and friends have confirmed that too. But at least she loves having her teeth (tooth!) brushed...it probably feels good on her gums. She's a really happy kiddo on the whole...lots of smiling and laughing, even while she's teething. I actually have a parent conference tomorrow at her daycare, which will be interesting, I'm sure. I really like her caregivers, so I'm sure it'll go well. She's not crawling yet, but she is scooting, so I know it won't be long now. And she's a tall baby, just like her mama--she's in 9 to 12 month sizes mostly, only for the length in her legs, arms, and torso. She's a long drink of water! (I'm six feet tall, so no surprise there.)

Things have just been incredibly busy lately. Now that the moving is done, I can focus on getting caught up with everything else, including getting everything unpacked and put away. We now live within walking distance of one of the many walking trails that crisscross my Colorado city, so I'm really looking forward to enjoying what's left of fall by going out with K in the stroller. I need the exercise!! I promise I'll do better in the future with updating this blog. :)

Lucky number seven

2010-10-03T17:49:00.008-06:00

Look at me! I'm seven months old!!

I also have new shoes, see...

It's good to be seven months old! I'm now officially in my second half of my first year of life. Things are good...I LOVE my daycare place, especially Miss Linda and Miss June who I spend the most time with. I also like Miss Jen, who I get to see every morning, but she doesn't stay the whole day. My best friend at daycare is Dallas...she is only a few weeks younger than I am.

Mommy is a little sad because she realized that the reason my eye was looking so much better for about two weeks was only because I had been on antibiotics for ten days. She thought my eye was all better, but she had to make ANOTHER appointment with the eye doctor for October 21st. That's okay, Mommy, I still love you. And hopefully my eye will still have a chance to be all better by the time we have to go see Dr. Lee.

She's smiling 'cause she's...

2010-09-22T20:18:00.006-06:00

...all better! K's blocked tear duct (in her left eye) has opened all by itself, and I am SO glad we won't need to keep our appointment with the opthalmologist tomorrow! Her eye looks better than it has even since she was born, and I couldn't be happier. It didn't seem to be bothering her much--she didn't seem to rub it very often--but we did go through SO many eyedrops battling the eye infections that resulted. No more refills, yay!

Here is my grandmother, MorMor (grandmother in Swedish), with her four great-grands:
(from top left, Will, 4, Robbie, 8, K asleep on MorMor's lap, and Geneva, 18 months)

And here's one of just K and MorMor:

The end is nigh.

2010-09-15T21:39:00.002-06:00

And I don't know quite what to think about it. I've had to feed K formula more and more often while we're together (she's been getting formula at daycare for a little while now) since my milk supply doesn't seem to be satisfying her as much anymore. She'll nurse, start to fuss and get all distracted, decide she's done, and continue to fuss, purportedly because she's still hungry. At least, that's how I've been interpreting her behavior. So I'll fix her a bottle of formula and she'll wolf it down. While we've both been sick, I decided that it was much more worth it to me to take the verboten cold medicine so I could feel halfway human and take care of her effectively, and feed her the formula so I could do so. But this shift has been taking place for at least a few weeks now, so I know it's not just the sick thing. We definitely still snuggle while she drinks from her bottle, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on that aspect. And I've definitely been nursing her if/when she wakes up at five am to nurse, which completely makes sense because she doesn't really need a full meal at that point. I'd actually like to continue those early morning nursing sessions, even though there are several nights per week when she sleeps all the way through. I gave up on the pumping at work fiasco, because there just doesn't seem to be time for that in my typical uber-busy day at the middle school where I teach. And you know? I honestly don't feel guilty for not wanting to pump around the clock. I just don't have it in me. No pun intended. This little girl is growing like a weed, in the 95th percentile for height and the 40th for weight, and she's definitely a lot more active now than she's ever been. So it definitely follows that she's wanting more sustenance. But then again, I nursed all the way to six and a half months, so that's something, too. She's doing very well with solids, though she's not quite at the point of eating solids three times per day. I've read in several places that one's milk supply naturally goes down after a baby starts solids. I think I'm feeling kind of okay about stopping the nursing and switching to formula only. Except for the cost...that's no fun at all. I mean, it's fine, really, but FREE is so much better.

Thanks for listening to all my ramblings about this nursing issue! It all helps me to sort it out in my little brain. :)

In other news, it looks like we're moving! Around November first. Into a great townhouse that's easily more than twice as big as my current house, a 1914 cottage that is high on charm and low on amenities, definitely super-low on space and closet space in particular. Not looking forward to moving as a single mom with a little one in tow, but I know it's doable. A lot of work, but definitely doable. Stay tuned.

Down for the count.

2010-09-13T22:04:00.002-06:00

Yep, we're sick. Both of us. I had a feeling it might happen soon, considering how many new germs we're both exposed to at the start of a new school year (and daycare year)! I think I caught my bug from K, but she's the one I'm more worried about right now.

I've been battling an upper respiratory thing and now, a cough, yet she's only had the sniffles and a slight cough last week. But last night she spiked a fever, and it was back again today. This afternoon around 4:00, her fever spiked all the way up to 102.9, which really freaked me out. She's never had a fever that high. But I immediately gave her the correct dosage of infant Tylenol, and it started to come down about a half hour later. I also have infant ibuprofen, but I'm a bit nervous because I've never given that to her before, though apparently it's okay now that she's over six months old. I might try it for her next dosage, which will be in about an hour. I called her pediatrician after the high fever, and the nurse gave me some very sound advice, as well as a 10:45 am appointment tomorrow morning, just to be safe. It's reassuring. I doubt she has an ear infection, but it's great to get her checked out nonetheless. My cold has knocked me flat, so I'm not surprised in the least that she had such a high fever. Goes to show that her body is fighting something.

I'll be so glad when we're both back to normal.

Weird.

2010-09-10T00:28:00.002-06:00

The strangest thing just happened to me...tonight I was trading out my summer clothes and putting away the fall and winter ones when I stumbled upon the pair of pajamas I brought with me to the hospital back in March, when I gave birth to K. As soon as I looked at them, the biggest wave of...emotion crashed over me. It was so visceral--I literally had to cover the jammies up with other clothing to stop the intense discomfort I was feeling at that moment. It actually took my breath away. I'm still trying to figure out exactly which emotions I was feeling...fear and anger and intense sadness over the emergency c-section and not being able to hear K's first cry or see her and touch her in those moments right after her birth (wow, this brings me to tears just writing about it), the intense fear I felt as they were wheeling me into the OR and especially as they were forcing the mask (for general anesthesia) over my mouth and nose, my frustration now that my memories of those first moments when they put her in my arms are so fuzzy and hard to recall, and even my sadness over how completely crappy I felt--nauseous and dizzy and unable to raise the back of my hospital bed above a certain point--during K's first day of life. Wow, that sentence really shows how jumbled and overlapping all those emotions still are. And they washed right over me as soon as I laid eyes on those pajamas. I don't think I've ever experienced so many emotions attached to one unsuspecting object...I so did NOT expect that reaction. Kind of like being hit by a train. I honestly thought I had dealt with and resolved my feelings about K's birth...apparently not. Wonder what I should do now.

I need a twelve-step program. No, really.

2010-09-08T00:06:00.005-06:00

I'm kind of scaring myself lately. I've been told I have an "addictive" personality, and lately I'm starting to believe it. I think I might be addicted to a) shopping for and buying cute baby girl clothes and b) scouring eBay looking for all things Sasha. Sasha dolls are an amazing (IMHO) series of dolls started by Sasha Morgenthaler in Germany in the '60s. My preferred era of the dolls, however, is the '80s, mainly because I'm an '80s child and that's when I fell in love with Sasha dolls when I was a kid. There was this incredible doll- and toy shop in the local mall, and I distinctly recall gazing at these Sasha dolls that were displayed in a huge glass case, particularly the limited-edition Sasha Kiltie, a beautiful redhead with real human hair that wore a pleated dress of black watch plaid, dark tights and black shoes. Sasha dolls' expressions are so wistful and lifelike, and they do (in my eyes) have a very European look to them. I honestly can't get enough. It's baaaad.

Exhibit A, which includes not only the stunning Sasha baby I recently purchased on eBay for K, but the absolutely beautiful doll-sized bed, also purchased on eBay, complete with the softest flannel bedding I have ever laid a hand on:

And don't even get me started on the adorable baby girl clothes I've found recently on clearance. I seriously think I have K's summer wardrobe just about complete, in 18 month sizes. I don't think I've spent all that much, really, not when I've been refusing to spend more than, say, six bucks per item. I've found the most amazing summer clothes, including dresses, for less than five--and even four--dollars apiece. I think my favorite brand of all time is OshKosh Genuine Baby, found at Target. I also am liking the Cherokee brand more and more these days. I must confess, I actually started buying long-sleeved things in nine- and twelve-month sizes back when she was teeny-tiny, and no regrets there. I am admittedly a bargain shopper who makes a beeline for the clearance racks every time, and wow, have I found some absolute treasures. Kohl's is another favorite store, and they carry a ridiculously overpriced brand called Chaps. I found some incredible fall Chaps items that I absolutely LOVE at over fifty percent off (yes, I'm very proud of that fact). My girl's gonna be stylin' come fall!

But seriously? I have to stop looking at the Target website. And shopping at Target stores. And all Kohl's stores, too. The problem is that I do shop at Target for other things too, necessary things like Target diapers, which I love. And some days, I can't seem to physically pull myself away from those clearance racks. Just looking, at least. Gives a whole new spin on retail therapy when you're not exactly shopping for yourself.

So...yeah. If anyone finds a twelve-step program for compulsive adorable-baby-girl-clothes shopping, please let me know. I'd be forever grateful. ;P

Six months!

2010-09-04T22:38:00.005-06:00

Happy half-birthday, sweet girl! She turned six months old this past Tuesday, and I admit it, I was feeling rather sentimental all day. Not so much about her turning six months old, but thinking back to that momentous day six months earlier when my life changed so dramatically. I was wishing that I could remember that moment when the nurses handed her to me for the first time in more detail...I was still so groggy from the general anesthesia that my memories are quite foggy. I do remember seeing her little pink self as they wheeled me past the nursery--she was SO pink. But there's a lot that I still have to struggle to remember, which is very bittersweet for me. But the end result is still so miraculous...a healthy, happy, thriving baby girl who is the center of my universe. :)

She is now rolling over in both directions (she rolled from back to tummy first, which surprised me), sitting up with only a little bit of assistance, she LOOVES to stand and practice stepping whenever possible, and she smiles and laughs all the time. I'm pretty sure the teething process has begun, considering how fussy she's been lately, and we're still battling one blocked tear duct. We have an appointment with an opthalmologist on September 23rd, and at that point he and I will decide what to do next, with a quick outpatient procedure to open up the tear duct being a distinct possibility. I keep using warm compresses and massage at home to try and open it up, which is what happened with her other eye, now perfectly okay. But so far, no go. She really seems to want to crawl...she's scooting herself around using her arms and legs--not moving very fast or anything, but still.

We're experimenting more and more with solids: so far we're up to rice cereal or oat cereal every morning and meat most nights at dinnertime (for the iron). I added pears this morning, which she seemed to like, and we'll add a vegetable on Tuesday. Not sure yet what we'll start with, probably squash or sweet potatoes. I'm following the "only add a new food every three days" rule to watch for allergies. I also have barley cereal which we'll add soon as well. I did have to give in to formula while she's at daycare because I simply was not able to pump as much as I needed to each day...I went through my frozen stash incredibly fast, unfortunately. But when we're together I still breastfeed. Not sure how long that will last, considering that I'm not pumping while I'm at work, either...there's just not that much time for it. I'll just nurse as long as I can, I guess. :(

Daycare is going very well, now that I've gotten used to it...the daycare center she goes to has really grown on me, the more I've found out about how things are done there. It's a bit pricier than the home situations I checked out, but I'm happy with the one I finally chose, and truth be told, K is all smiles when we get there every morning. I've also seen a few of the candid photos they've taken of the kids, and K is smiling broadly in all the ones she's in. I do get the sense she's happy there, which means so much to me. And I really like the women who take care of her as well as how things run there.

I am SO looking forward to the next few months to see what she'll learn how to do next! So many changes in store...it's so exciting!!

So much to say...

2010-08-22T21:55:00.023-06:00

...that I don't even know where to start! Whenever I contemplate writing a new post, I've been freezing up because it's been SO! LONG! since I last posted. Lots to tell, and like I said, I don't know where to start.

So I think I'll start with a photo essay of sorts, entitled "Cereal!"

But not till I send out HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to the many dear women who are currently pregnant! Not limited to four IRL friends of mine, Jenni, a wonderful SMC-to-be, Shiloh, who is now three months along after having endured a loss last fall, Amanda, pregnant with a girl after their first, a boy, was born three years ago, and Amy, who is pregnant with twins (and she and her husband have decided to NOT find out their genders until they make their appearance!). SO many prospective SMC's are pregnant as well--congrats to all of you! You won't regret it!!

Back to the featured photo essay:

Here she is, warming up with one of her new spoons, of course...

[drum roll please] The first spoonful...

Ooooh, not so sure about this stuff...

Hmm, maybe it's not so bad after all. Might I have a little more?

Here we go again...

So this is that spoon-thing I keep hearing about!

And the verdict is in: YUMMY! (or at least worth another taste or two tomorrow)

How I absolutely love that gleeful smile! Her whole face--no, make that her whole body--lights up with a smile that big. When she wakes up in her co-sleeper and sees me, she grins, kicks her little legs and waves her little arms just like she's dancing. How can you be in a bad mood when you get to wake up to that?!

And yes, we're still struggling with a blocked tear duct in her left eye. That's why it looks so red in the pictures. I just got a referral for her to see an opthalmologist about it, but I keep hoping that it will resolve itself (like her right eye did) on its own, with the help of warm compresses, massage, and eyedrops to eradicate the infections that keep reappearing.

Her latest stats: height, 95th percentile (that's my girl!), weight, 38th percentile (just short of fifteen pounds), and head circumference, 61st percentile. I don't know about that 38th percentile...I don't know how they figure these things, but she doesn't look below average to me at all.

K turns six months on September second. I can't even wrap my brain around it. We only started rice cereal a week or so ago, so we're moving on to oat cereal and barley cereal this week and next. Interestingly enough, the pediatrician recommended (also) starting with meat for the iron, since she's been breastfed exclusively. I just can't envision cooking and pureeing meat finely enough for her, so tonight I did buy some of the prepared meats from the baby aisle in the grocery store. I do want to make vegetables and fruits for her, though, and freeze them in ice cube trays. A weekend project, I'm sure. What I'm stressed out about now, though, is the idea of feeding her cereal in the mornings...I'm so not a morning person, and I'd prefer not to rush her in any way if at all possible. So I might just give in and buy a little of the prepared cereals, too. I don't know. Things feel crazy enough in the mornings without adding baby cereal to the mix. I'm also feeling down about the fact that I just can't keep up with all the pumping each day. She's taking about sixteen to twenty ounces of breastmilk on any given workday, and I simply am not able to pump that much each day in addition to nursing her full time. I have now officially burned through the stash in my freezer, having gone back to a new school year only about two weeks ago. And I paid quite a bit to ship the frozen stash back to Colorado from New York via overnight FedEx, on dry ice no less. Was it worth it? Not sure, considering how quickly I went through it. So...it looks like I'll be doing formula at daycare and still nursing her when we're together. As long as I can, anyway. I still plan to pump while I'm at school, and either send one or maybe two bottles with her to daycare each day, or simply feed it to her when we're at home. I'm trying NOT to be sad about it, but I fear that my supply is going to dwindle anyway, what with starting solids and being back at work.

Our trip to Virginia and Tennessee went really well. She was such a trooper (trouper? sp?) when we flew. I, however, didn't do so well whenever we'd go through what I considered to be terrible turbulence. K sat on my lap since I didn't buy a separate seat for her, and even though she did wonderfully, whenever there was turbulence, I'd wrap my arms around her that much tighter and shut my eyes. Let's just say, a lot of prayers were said. My Uncle Paul's memorial service was absolutely beautiful, and I'm so glad I was able to be there. Jon's wedding a week later was also wonderful. When they had the "official" mother-son dance, though, I got really emotional thinking about how unfair it was that Uncle Paul wasn't there, and also when the four adorable flower girls were dancing with a couple of adult family members up on the stage...I felt overwhelmed that now I have this beautiful little girl to raise, and I feel SO LUCKY.
But I was SO ready to come home and resume my life here, even though it meant returning to work and daycare and hectic days.

Right now K is enrolled at a church-based daycare and I'm not convinced that it's the best fit. She's definitely well taken care of, but there are a total of nine babies there, and I often feel like just another number when I bring her in each morning. I know they take great care of all her physical needs, feeding, changing diapers, keeping her safe, but I'm not sure about how much attention she actually receives. Does anyone actually PLAY with her? Interact with her beyond said physical needs? I'm not convinced. Plus it's on the expensive side. And if I'm spending extra every week to have her there, I want some sort of return for the additional money I'm putting out. I think we need to find a place with fewer kids and a more individualized approach.

I think I'll end this *novel* with a few more pictures from this summer...there is more to say, but I'm tired and off to bed.

New Bumbo, new jammies (no feet!)...

...and we're off!

2010-07-28T22:11:00.004-06:00

Off to Roanoke, Virginia tomorrow (Uncle Paul's memorial service on Saturday) followed by Knoxville, Tennessee (my cousin Jon's wedding), and then back to Colorado just in time for school and our new daycare to start! We get back the evening of August tenth, we have all day on the eleventh to recuperate, and teacher days (before the first day of school with students) begin on August 12th.

I will do my best to post some pictures during our travels...we're spending four days/nights at a gorgeous cabin resort in Tennessee. I can't wait! This will be K's first roadtrip, and I am so hoping it will go smoothly. She's typically a great traveler, so I guess I'm not too worried, but one never knows. I am SO glad to be able to take a vacation--actual traveling!--before the grind begins again. And I'm going to try not to stress about K's new daycare, a fairly large daycare center. I think it will work out well, but it's still an unknown, so I'm nervous about that. I hope she will get used to it quickly. I'll keep y'all posted. :)

?????

2010-07-22T11:05:00.002-06:00

Wow, thank you all so much for the supportive and encouraging comments on my last post!

So now I have a question to pose to all of you:

The biggest determining/limiting factor in my decision to add to my family is...finances. How does one figure out if she can afford to have another child????? I haven't even gotten to the teenage years yet, when I know things will be so much more expensive!

Any thoughts??

Thanks in advance... :)

Two!

2010-07-21T22:44:00.002-06:00

Wow, I have so many possible posts in my head, it's crazy. So here's one: I don't think my family is complete yet! I haven't told anyone, and I don't plan to for quite a while, but I so want to do it all again: pregnancy, childbirth, the works! I really want to give K a sibling, hopefully a "full" sibling if her donor is still available. I hope. I'm already starting to think about what I want to accomplish and put in place before I start trying again...I've even started making a few lists. I'm getting excited! The very earliest I'd start TTC-ing again would be next summer, but even that might be a bit too early. Then again, I ain't gettin' any younger! Oh, I don't know. I don't know what the timing will be. But in my heart of hearts, I really think I want to try again. When I think about my ideal family, there are three of us, not two. So we'll see. There is so much to think about and plan for!! :)

Mixed

2010-07-19T02:57:00.017-06:00

"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

I just stumbled upon this quote in the comments of someone else's blog, and I really love it! So I hope that no one minds that I am borrowing it for this post.

Someone recently asked me how my summer has been going, and the word that came to mind was "mixed". We have received some very difficult news in my family. My father's sister's husband is my Uncle Paul, an amazing, dear man who is husband to my Aunt Judy and wonderful father to my four cousins: Jen, Jon, Kate, and Elizabeth. About a month ago he began coughing up blood unexpectedly, so he and my aunt saw their doctor, had some tests run, and received some shocking news. Carcinoma was found in both of his lungs, in and below his liver, and possibly in his gallbladder as well, and on June fifteenth, my Uncle Paul was officially diagnosed as having cancer. Paul is also diabetic, which definitely threw yet another wrench into the works. Judy and Paul live near Roanoke, Virginia, so after having the tests done at UVa in Charlottesville, he began a course of chemotherapy there as well. The plan was to do a week of chemo followed by a week off for his body to recover, rinse and repeat. It was tough on both of them...chemo is never easy, and Paul had a hard time keeping food down. With anti-nausea medication, though, things definitely improved, and after his chest tube was able to be removed, he was allowed to go home. He was sent home with a walker to help get around, a slew of prescriptions, home health and PT set up, and appointments with local docs set up as well. With each round of chemo (if this round didn't work, there were two other types of chemo they could try) came an expected minimum of three months more with his family, so we were cautiously hopeful.

My Uncle Paul passed away last Wednesday.

It hardly registers in my mind. My cousin Jon and Aunt Judy were with him at home when he began to pass blood, so they took him to the local hospital, where he received three units of blood and began to feel better. But shortly before seven that evening, he had another lower GI bleed and slipped away. One day short of one month after he was diagnosed with cancer. SO fast. Interestingly enough, the doctors aren't completely convinced that his GI bleed was even related to the cancer, but apparently cancer and/or chemo can cause problems with blood clotting as well.

I'm so thankful that Aunt Judy and Jon were with him, especially considering that Jon will be getting married on August seventh, and all three of them had fervently hoped that Paul would somehow be able to attend. I am also thankful that all four kids were able to visit and spend time with their Dad before he passed. But the reality is staggering: Uncle Paul was only 66...so much time still to be spent with his family and his four precious grandkids. I was able to visit with him and Aunt Judy last Thanksgiving, and I really wish I had known at the time that he only had a measly nine more months left. Not that it's ever possible, but I still wish I had known somehow.

So it looks like we'll be leaving New York a little earlier than we had planned in order to attend the memorial service on the 31st in Virginia. We were already set to roadtrip down to Tennessee around August third for Jon's wedding, and I can hardly believe that Uncle Paul won't be there. Like I said, it still doesn't compute. The sadness certainly does, though...I haven't been sleeping well since we found out late Friday night that he had passed away, and every morning when we do wake up it hits me again like a ton of bricks. Uncle Paul is the first family member besides my three grandparents to pass away, the first of my parents' generation. One thing I'm sure of is that he is now with my precious Nana, whose first words to him probably were, "Well, what took you so long?!" and my grandpa, watching over us down here. They're probably playing cards together.

Rest in peace, Uncle Paul. I love you.

She's growing so fast!!!

2010-07-13T12:43:00.012-06:00

As promised...summer 2010 so far

2010-06-24T20:37:00.018-06:00

Here she is in her stroller, as we're waiting around at Chicago O'Hare airport on June 15th. Loooong day for both of us.

Strawberry picking yesterday! (June 23rd)

And sitting with Mom on the back porch.

New York state of mind

2010-06-24T19:58:00.006-06:00

Wow, how lame am I??? I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted! My apologies.

Well, we're finally in upstate New York, and we'll be here through August 7th or so. Getting here was...um...interesting, but we did make it in one piece, albeit a bit delayed. Baby K was an absolute champ--she slept for most of the first leg, which brought us to Chicago O'Hare, where we had a three hour layover before we headed to our final destination of Syracuse. And wow, was it crazy there! SO many people dealing with delayed and canceled flights due to weather, and difficult to maneuver through them with the stroller, it was that crowded. I kept getting text messages of different departure times...delays, then--wait--nope, back to the original time. So I didn't get much in the way of dinner, but that was okay. We finally got to board, and only got in about 45 minutes late. But it was a very, very long day, and both K and I were so happy to finally get there. I did end up paying extra for economy plus, which had a noticeable amount of extra legroom. Very glad about that. And bringing along the Baby Bjorn was a stroke of genius--very helpful, especially when boarding and deplaning. I was so lucky to have an empty seat beside me during both legs of the trip, because I needed a place to lay baby while I wriggled out of the Baby Bjorn! Interesting that a flight attendant on the first leg told me that I *had* to take her out of the carrier before take-off. I wasn't told that on the second leg of the trip. Hmm. But definite note to self: on the way back I will NOT bring two carryons. Waaay too much to lug around, especially getting through security. I'm so glad I'll know what to expect on the way back! Hard to believe that K will be a little over five months old at that point!

So we're living at a much slower pace these days, which is really nice. K is getting to know her grandparents better, and they are *thrilled* to be able to spend time with her every day. She is growing and changing SO much!! I really have seen progress with tummy time, and she's getting better and better at lifting her head and chest up while she's lying on her tummy. She's fussing a lot less with it, too. The only thing I'm worried about while we're here is the car seat that we've borrowed from a family friend...it's plenty sturdy and in great condition, but the harness is only a 3-point harness rather than 5-point. I think it will work out fine in the end, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous at all about using it. It's only till early August.

I get some "me time" three days a week now, with the option of four: I joined a local rowing club, and I'm absolutely loving the chance to get on the water all summer! I rowed for all four years of college (at Syracuse U.) followed by stints of coaching at Florida State and Purdue, the latter while I was finishing my master's. I also did some coaching in Syracuse after I graduated...for some community and high school programs. So to get back into it is amazing! It's been fifteen years since the last time I rowed...until tonight! And wow, it really was pretty much like riding a bike--it all comes back pretty quickly. Definitely trial by fire, though...the club is getting ready for a regatta on July 3rd, so it was a lot of race-pace work tonight. Not so sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow! But I'm so glad I went out and did it. Can't wait for Saturday morning, our next practice!

I have lots of pictures of K to publish soon, and I will definitely get on that!!

Pics, pics, and more pics

2010-06-06T22:43:00.030-06:00

"YES, I have a scratch on my face and I'm not happy about it. Yes, I know I put it there. So what's your point?"

"And look at this silly hat Mom put on me. Not sure how I feel about it yet."

"What the sam hell are these pink plastic things on my face? Get 'em off, NOW!"

"Here's Mom and me on our porch swing, one of my favorite places to be. I love looking around at all the cool stuff on the porch and in the yard. And oh yeah, the swinging's not bad, either."

"Who needs a bed when a quilt on the floor will do just as nicely? I was out as soon as my head hit the...floor."

"Bunny blanket in one hand, keys in the other...now what?"

"Wow, I think that thing with the fingers might just belong to me! And check out my snazzy new sunsuit!"

Goodnight, everybunny. (I took this one just today.)

A-movin' and a-shakin'

2010-06-04T23:06:00.005-06:00

Wow, the changes since my last post! It blows my mind how much K has changed in so little time.

Well, we finished up the school year in one piece, and can I say, I am really enjoying this vacation from the daily pumping! Of course, in true Murphy's Law way, I managed to get sick during the last two days of school, and it lasted a full two weeks. The kind of illness during which you're scared that you might actually die, and you're also scared that you might not actually die. Obviously, neither scenario came to fruition, but that's the kind of cold it was. I earned my first gold mama stars because I felt absolutely wretched, yet still had to take care of K full time every day. It's the first time I found I despised that aspect of being a single mom. Very, very hard. And then the horrible mommy guilt that I might pass on this terrible virus to my small and vulnerable sweet girl. That hasn't seemed to have happened, but she has had an elevated temperature just about every day for the past week or so. Not high enough to truly be considered a fever (I've called the pediatrician about it), but definitely higher than normal for her. No congestion, no coughing, so I'm hoping we're in the clear. The hot weather lately hasn't helped, that's for sure...I gave K a tepid bath this afternoon since she seemed so warm, and it really helped to cool her off. It was in the 90's today--yuk! And I don't have AC. If I were staying here this summer, I'd definitely invest in one of those window air conditioners. But we leave for upstate NY on the 15th!

Which brings me to...I've been waiting till I'm not coughing regularly to visit the potential daycare center for the next school year. The plan is that I'll go on Monday with K to check things out. I'm really excited, since it seems to have a lot to offer, plus there is one home-based daycare I'm still considering, so I have to call this lady to get more information.

We're busy getting ready for the big trip to upstate NY for the rest of the summer. We leave June 15th, and we fly back here on August tenth. I've never taken such a long vacation before. But we'll be hanging out with my parents in Syracuse, and I'm really looking forward to it. So are they. I've already been thinking about the kinds of things I want to do there with K (and without K, quite honestly)...we'll be taking long walks with the stroller, going to the lake, hanging out in the backyard in the baby pool and sandbox my parents saved for their grandchildren, and just spending time with Grandma and Grandpa. What I'm going to be doing without K? And Mom and Dad have gladly offered to babysit...there is a summer rowing program at a nearby lake, and I absolutely cannot wait! I still dream of rowing...on a regular basis. Crazy. I was on the rowing team at Syracuse U. for all four years I was there, and then I graduated to coaching: I coached in a couple of community/high school programs (including the community program I hope to participate in this summer!), followed by coaching at Florida State and Purdue (where I got my master's). But what's a bit strange is the fact that I don't want anyone there to know I've coached, since it's been forever (1995) and I am so out of shape and out of practice! I just hope it's a good fit...not too many people who are crazy-in-shape and uber-competitive. The fact that I live in Colorado is a limiting factor when it comes to rowing...the closest program is the Rocky Mountain Rowing Club located over an hour away in Denver. Doable, but pretty inconvenient, considering how early in the morning they get on the water. But oh, if I could row all summer? Heaven. Absolute heaven. I'll definitely post more about it. Heck, it would really help me drop weight before my cousin's wedding in Tennessee in early August. We fly back from Knoxville after the wedding.

The title of this post refers to all of the changes K has been up to lately: she laughed for the first (and second and third) time this week--music to my ears! I haven't been able to get her to do it again yet, though. I'll keep trying. She also loves "standing" with her weight supported by her freakishly strong legs. She's getting steadier every day. I need to spend more time with her on "tummy time", though...if we did, she'd be that much stronger in her arms and shoulders. She's figured out how to dig her heels into the floor (bed, sofa, my lap, etc. etc.) and scoot herself upwards on her back. She's become a pro at arching her back and straightening her legs whenever she's upset about something or simply wants to move or a change of scenery. Not easy when she's on my lap! The arching of the back is definitely going to help her turn herself over at some point. She looooves sitting with me and swinging on the porch swing on our porch! She can be completely fussy, and immediately calms down when we go out to swing for a while. I'll really miss that when we go to New York. But we'll have it again when we get back.

Well, that's it for now...I will add a few pictures once I upload them onto the computer from my camera. Stay tuned. :)

Happy 12 week birthday, baby girl!

2010-05-24T22:35:00.007-06:00

I don't know which she likes better, the rings or her orange dog! But she sure does like to smile and "talk" to them! I have the coolest kid ever.

Lactation shmactation

2010-05-22T21:21:00.002-06:00

Well, things are getting better on the milk-making front. The Fenugreek seems to be helping, and every day I've been able to pump more (at work) than I did the day before. Not sure whether I'll be able to avoid supplementing during the upcoming week (four more days of school!), but at the very least it won't be the end of my milk supply. We're still able to nurse quite well at home, thankyouverymuch. It's the pumping that's so hard to keep up with. She drinks up to 16 ounces while I'm at work, and pumping that much every day on top of nursing full-time is challenging, ever since I used up my frozen stash. I think things will be just fine once I stop pumping for the summer. I know I'll still pump occasionally, but it won't be a daily thing, thank goodness. I'm so relieved that this doesn't spell the end. I'm not ready to stop, and neither is K.

I'm really looking forward to hopping on a plane next month with K and heading to New York for the summer! I keep making mental notes of stuff I want to bring...now I just need to buy a big honking suitcase to carry it all in! Sadly, not much else to report right now...I'm just trying to hold on till Thursday, the last day of school. Wednesday is the kids' last day, and teachers have one final day, Thursday, to pack it in and tie up all the loose ends. I. Can't. Wait.

Sadness.

2010-05-18T05:22:00.003-06:00

My milk supply is dwindling.

I've been pumping since early April, to get ready for my April 16th return to full-time teaching. And there have been days, especially in the last week, when my ridiculous schedule at school has prevented me from pumping at all during the school day. Nursing seems to still be going well...I haven't had to supplement when we're at home together. But I've now burned through my frozen stash, and the bottles I got together for tomorrow (well, later today...) are about half breastmilk and half formula. And I can't believe how sad this is making me.

I won't give up without a fight, I tell myself, which includes: taking Fenugreek twice a day, drinking lactation tea, drinking a lot more water (I'm not good about that), pumping more frequently when I'm at home, and pumping for longer periods of time, even after no more milk is coming out. I don't really know what else I can do, but I am willing to consider prescription medication if these other things don't work. So now I've just been moping around with this constant aching sadness...I don't. want. to. stop. nursing. yet. And neither does K, that's been made perfectly clear to me. I'm not against formula at all...I'm just not ready to quit nursing yet. It's too soon. If I can make it through next Thursday, there's hope...that's the last day of school, and I won't have to rely on pumping for the rest of the summer. I keep thinking of these adoptive moms who are able to re-lactate and nurse their adopted infants...if they can do it, so can I. Damn it.

Ten days left...

2010-05-12T23:12:00.003-06:00

and yes, I'm counting! I have TEN days left with my one-foot-out-the-door sixth graders...they are just so done with the school year and ready for summer. So every day feels like an uphill battle. If anyone is wondering why I haven't posted much lately (not that anyone would, really), it's because I'm simply hanging on for dear life. This single mom stuff is tough. Caring for a ten-week-old on my own AND teaching full time AND managing to pump enough to keep this girl fed on a daily basis AND all of the other minutiae that life seems to require is tough, and I cannot WAIT till summer break starts on the 27th! Thank goodness for summer vacations...without them I think I'd go crazy. K and I will be heading east to upstate New York for the summer, to spend it with my parents, and I absolutely cannot wait! We'll be leaving sometime mid-June to late June, after I get a few things done here and get everything ready to go. I'll still be posting from there, though, thank goodness.

My childcare plans for the next school year fell through yesterday. Yes, I did cry a little bit. Only because things had been going so well with K's caregiver, and I was so looking forward to having her watch K next year as well. I completely understand, even though I'm not happy about it: M's husband got a new job that will require him to travel on a regular basis, and the plan is that M and her two little ones will go with him whenever possible. They may even end up moving temporarily. I did make a few calls yesterday, and the Big Question in my mind is which is better: a daycare "center" or a home-based situation? I am considering one of each right now, and I'll be investigating more than just those two before I make my final decision. The center is a church-based one that takes infants as well as toddlers and preschool-age kids, and a friend of mine has her kiddos there, and absolutely loves it. Great location, well-established staff, beautiful facility, and even a discount for teachers in my school district. The home-based daycare is one that three colleagues had their kids at for *years*, and all three were very happy with the care their kids received. Three negatives: a spot won't open up till November, requiring me to make other arrangements from August through November, right now it's all boys and my girl would be the only girl, and three (small) dogs live there as well. I think in my heart of hearts, I'm leaning towards the daycare center. But I will need to visit both places, which I haven't done yet. Ugh. I hate this.

K continues to grow cuter each day (happy sigh). She's ten weeks now, is growing by leaps and bounds, and seems to learn new skills every day. Based on what I've read, she seems to be right on the money developmentally. I cannot WAIT to be able to spend each and every day this summer with her, though! And I won't have to pump nearly as often. Mondays are SO hard, having to surrender her to someone else for eight hours after spending a wonderful weekend with her. Every day at 2:45 feels like Christmas, because that's when my school day (technically) ends and I get to go pick her up from M's, even though I don't end up leaving to pick her up until closer to 4:30 or 5. And when I finally get to hold her in my arms after a stressful day? Heaven. I know it's so cliched, but I really feel like my life has just begun now that she's here. Everyone should know this kind of joy. :)

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-07T21:39:00.004-06:00

Well, K had her first vaccinations this week! I'm sure it was harder on me than on her--she handled it like a champ, only crying for twenty seconds or so after the last needle was removed. Hardly even a low-grade fever to show for it. The tops of her little legs (where the needles were put in) do seem a tiny bit swollen, though. I'm sure that'll go away soon enough. I was dreading the way she would cry since I knew it would be that I'm-in-pain kind of cry, but it truly wasn't as bad as I expected, and short-lived. I also was a bit worried about the rumored autism link...ninety nine percent of my brain was and still is sure that there is absolutely no connection between vaccinations and autism, but that pesky one percent kept asking "What if?" And of course that one percent has the loudest "voice". :) But I'm okay now, and the next round at four months will be no big deal, I'm sure.

The best news? The kid is thriving! Height: 87th percentile, 24 inches, up from 19 3/4 at birth. Weight: 64th percentile, 11.4 pounds, up from 6 pounds 1 ounce at discharge from the hospital. I couldn't be happier, and the pediatrician seemed quite thrilled as well. Her physical abilities and reflexes are spot-on for her age, and we'll just keep working on the things we've been working on: raising her head, reaching for and grasping objects, rolling over at some point. (She's not really close to that last one yet, but it'll happen soon enough.) And overall, she's quite mellow...she doesn't fuss or cry too often, never spits up, smiles all the time. Her two favorite things right now are her mobile that hangs over her crib and plays a little tune (she LOVES it!) and a set of brightly colored plastic rings that I hang on her car seat's handle or on the bar over her bouncy seat. She has started to "talk" to these two things as well as her other toys, which makes me laugh, and she's started actually cooing, too. Yay! SO much fun to watch her change and grow, even though part of me wishes she'd stay little as long as possible.

I've been rather emotional lately, realizing that Sunday will be my first Mother's Day. I took this opportunity to tell my mom (in writing) what a great mom and grandmother she is, and how much I've appreciated all of her support, help, and encouragement during her three visits here since K was born, and especially during the delivery and at the hospital. I don't know how I could have done it without her, and I'm thrilled to know how much she loves K, just like I do. But I've also been thinking about all the women out there who will have a hard time on Sunday because they want a child so badly and don't/can't have one (yet--I choose to think positively)...I know from experience how hard that is, and my heart goes out to them. It breaks my heart to think about it, actually. I think that's because now that I know this joy, this amazing love, my only wish is for everyone else to get to experience it, too.
Happy Mother's Day to all new moms, experienced moms, and moms-to-be! Oh, and aunts, grandmothers, stepmoms, godmothers too......... :)

Eight weeks!!

2010-04-27T21:03:00.003-06:00

Incredible!! She's gotten so BIG! She's grown from 6 lbs 12 oz. at birth to eleven pounds now, and from 19 3/4 inches to 23 inches! A part of me is sad that she's no longer itty bitty, but I really can't wait to see what the next stage holds...

The Many Faces of Baby K

2010-04-20T05:06:00.012-06:00

The last one's my favorite!

We made it!

2010-04-17T14:50:00.003-06:00

Day number one, at least! Yesterday was my first day back at work, and you know, it wasn't half bad. Much to my surprise! I seriously didn't sleep at all the night before, what with worrying how the school day would go--a lot has changed schedule-wise from the time I left--and how K would do with her babysitter. So I was functioning on pure adrenaline alone throughout the day...but we still made it through! I didn't cry when (or after) I left her with M, her babysitter, and I didn't even cry after I had picked her up at the end of the day, which I fully expected I'd do. I was just so relieved to have her back in my arms, and to have her to myself for a lovely long weekend. One thing I've come to experience for myself is the incredible, overwhelming bond I feel with my daughter...people talk about it, but you really can't understand it till you feel it in real life. I've never loved anyone like I love K...and I feel so blessed to be able to experience it! I know it's cliched, but I would do anything for her, I would take a bullet for her without thinking twice, and she is truly the light of my life.

K did pretty well overall. I wasn't sure how much milk to leave with M, and I did bring a little extra, thinking it would be better to have a little too much than not enough. She didn't drink that much at a time, only about two ounces or so, which surprised me, but of course it's hard to figure out how much a baby is taking in when you're nursing full-time. But as time goes by I'll have a better idea of how much milk to send with K. I did bring an extra outfit, but it turns out it wasn't enough since she ended up having TWO blowouts! I was so embarrassed! But that's how it goes sometimes with a six-week-old, I guess. M didn't seem to mind, and we both agreed that I will need to include at least two outfits in her diaper bag. Hopefully she won't need those every day with M. But as they say, it's better to be safe than sorry. M's two kiddos, Griffin, who is three, and Gwyneth, who is 14 months, had a great time with K...especially Griffin, who is old enough to appreciate the presence of another baby. I'm starting to relax a little about the whole idea of leaving K with someone else...I'm not gonna lie, it was hard yesterday. I thought about her all day, which I know is completely normal. And I have a full work week this week, so we'll see how that goes. Mom flies in this Thursday afternoon...she'll be with K from Friday the 23rd through Friday the 30th while M and her hubby are on a cruise. I am seriously counting down the weeks until May 28th, when school ends and summer vacation begins!

The school day yesterday went well, too...the kids were glad to see me, and I got quite a few hugs throughout the school day. My colleagues were also glad to see me, which was heartwarming! I've always said I work with the greatest people ever, and yesterday was no exception. The biggest change was that this last quarter of the school year, I have to travel among four different classrooms with all my supplies on a cart. NOT fun, but completely do-able. I feel for my friend L, who is *hugely* pregnant with twin boys...she had to travel last quarter, and I'm glad she can stay put in one classroom for the rest of the year. Next year we will all have our own classrooms again, so no more traveling with carts and no more big offices for each content area (picture ten teacher desks along with bookshelves and filing cabinets crammed into one classroom!). We've enjoyed the camaraderie and discussions for sure, but when it comes right down to it, no one wants to travel on a cart. I've been switched from teaching sixth grade to teaching seventh grade next year...disappointing, but I've taught seventh for quite a few years in the past, and I'll get to work with a great team of folks next year. Honestly, I'm just glad I have a job.

So...now I'm off to enjoy my weekend with my sweet girl and gear up for the busy week ahead!

Mama test #1

2010-04-15T15:43:00.008-06:00

We had a rough night last night. I mean, rough. Let's just put it this way: tears were not just shed by the little one. I am quite sure that K is battling some gassy issues, which surprises me since she is exclusively breastfed. But I know it happens. She cried for hours, and nothing I tried to soothe her worked. It's one of the most helpless feelings there is--knowing your child is in pain and not being able to fix it and make it better. It was also the quality of the cry...it wasn't a cry I'd ever heard from her before, and it scared the daylights out of me. Her whole little body went rigid, and she nearly screamed when I unknowingly held her in certain (uncomfortable) positions. I was five minutes away from a) calling my aunt to help at 3 am, b) taking her to urgent care, or c) taking her straight to the emergency room. In the end I did none of the above, since I was pretty sure of what it was, and she finally fell asleep on my shoulder at 3:30 am. Mylicon definitely seemed to help, and today I'm planning on buying some gripe water as well. We spent most of today snuggling and catching up on sleep...in all honesty, a great way to spend my last day of maternity leave! I'm gonna miss this little one tomorrow while I'm at work!

The worst part, aside from no sleep for Mom, was the fact that today was supposed to be her first day with her caregiver. I had been asked to attend a district-level meeting to help with curriculum development (basically optional, when it comes right down to it), and everything was in place for her first day with M, a good friend of mine who will be her caregiver for the next six weeks followed by the next school year. But I wasn't sure if we'd see a repeat performance with her next feeding, and I didn't feel comfortable with someone else possibly encountering the same scenario as last night. So since I didn't exactly *have* to be there today, I called M and explained, so we'll try again tomorrow when I have to go back to school for real. K seems fine today, but we'll see tonight, which is when she seems to have most of her gas bubble issues. I'm hoping that perhaps using the Mylicon or gripe water in advance will help. Our next pediatrician appointment is on May 5th, and I'm not sure whether I should wait that long to talk with Dr. D. about it. We'll see how tonight goes.

On a different note, K's baptism took place the night before Easter Sunday, and it was sooo special! A ton of family was there, including my parents who were more than happy to fly in again, and it was such a whirlwind of a weekend, backed up to Easter such as it was. It was an emotional ceremony for me, and suffice it to say that my faith has been greatly strengthened by the arrival of this little one in my life, not to mention her chaotic delivery. We sang a wonderful hymn towards the end of the service, "Borning Cry", and it's a tough one to get through without tears. My uncle sang it to both of his daughters at their respective weddings, and he was definitely teary, as was my dad. It was just...very special, and lots of memories I won't ever forget. Here are a few pictures...

Hi ho, hi ho...

2010-04-08T00:20:00.002-06:00

...it's back to work I go...

and I'm NOT happy about it.

It's been so idyllic, all this time off for my maternity leave: the luxury of sleeping in, and focusing on not much more than taking care of my baby and maintaining things around the house. But now it's time to go back. My first official day back is Friday, April 16th, and it's coming up soon. Why Friday, you ask? Because I am entitled to a maximum of 20 days of maternity leave (4 weeks) plus whatever personal leave I had accrued before the birth of my baby, which totaled two weeks or so. We get 12 days per school year, and I tend to pretty much use them up each year because I believe in the importance of mental health days, not to mention things like doctor's appointments, extra travel days before scheduled school breaks, etc. So I didn't have very many stockpiled away before I gave birth, which worked out just fine in the end. So it works out that I have to go back on a Friday, which is NOT a bad thing because I get to regroup over the weekend before I have to get through a full work week. I only have about six more weeks until summer vacation, so it won't be that hard to get through it. The main reason I'm not looking forward to going back is because it's a tough time of year for middle school students, and every day can feel like an uphill battle. They are so ready to be done for the year, and it's hard to rein them back in and help them realize that there is still work to be done. *sigh* But according to my sub, the kids are looking forward to having me back. So that's a good thing.

I'm not looking forward to the whole pumping-at-work thing, either. I bought a fantastic new breast pump several days ago, and though I've pumped several times since then, I really need to pump much more often in order to keep up my supply and stockpile milk for my caregiver to feed to K. I'm trying not to panic about how much milk I haven't stockpiled yet, but I found several fantastic websites tonight that put my mind at ease. Turns out that I'm pumping more than the average at each sitting, which was a surprise. I didn't realize that it can take at least two or three pumping sessions to produce enough milk for just one feeding! Babies are much more efficient at getting milk than a pump is, and there is NO question that K is getting enough milk at each feeding. She gained close to three pounds in the three weeks since we were discharged from the hospital, and she had dropped ten percent of her birthweight at discharge time, so she made up for it in spades. She's a healthy little girl now, complete with chubby little cheeks and a round baby tummy, which is fantastic. I was concerned that she was overeating, but apparently an exclusively breastfed infant can't overeat, so I guess we're okay. We'll see at her next pediatrician appointment. The biggest thing on my agenda before I head back to work is to pump, pump, and pump some more.

But the up side is that I absolutely love spring, and I'm so excited that it's about to make it's appearance! I love seeing the buds on the trees, and the various green things poking their heads up in the garden, not to mention the sunshine and warmer weather. I tried out the new stroller a few days ago, and it absolutely rocks! It's got this amazing suspension system, and it's tall enough for me, so life is good. Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer (after a few days of very strong winds and cold temperatures) so a walk around the neighborhood is definitely on the agenda.

(K's baptism was absolutely beautiful, and I'm looking forward to a post about it in the near future as soon as I get the CD of pictures from my cousin. Stay tuned.)

Happy birthday!

2010-04-03T01:09:00.005-06:00

Happy one-month birthday, little one! Hard to believe it's been one full month since I met her for the first time in the hospital...we both have learned so much and grown so much since then!

Savor the cuteness... (I always do)

PS -- Talents we're working on: smiling at Mommy (I swear that today her smiles were *intentional*...SO awesome!), lifting her head during tummy time, pushing up from her legs and feet (not quite to the point of *trying* to stand or anything), and lifting/supporting her head all on her own when Mommy holds her up to her shoulder. Does life get any better than this?!

Random (with pictures)

2010-03-25T00:16:00.014-06:00

Life is absolutely amazing with a little one! I know, what an obvious statement, but it's just now sinking in. A lot has been sinking in lately...including a small meltdown in the shower this morning (I know, crazy, right?) when I heard the song "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister on the radio. I have NO idea why that song always seems to affect me so strongly...perhaps it's because it dates back to my high school days, who knows. I love the song, I really do. Today it made me think about how imperfect I feel and how perfect I wish I were for my daughter. I hate the fact that I still have things I need to work on in my life, and I love her SO MUCH, and I want to be better, to learn how to be better...for her.

Something else that has sunk in recently is what kind of a special, amazing love it is between mother and daughter...I've never known this kind of love, and I feel so lucky to get to experience it. You can't really put words to it. On a related note, I've decided that I can't watch Law & Order anymore...so much of it seems to involve parent-child relationships, and it's often hard to watch, especially now that I have a better understanding of the love between parents and children. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love watching Law & Order reruns, including ALL of the franchises: C & I, SVU, and the original, of course. But it's like, aha, now I get it. And sometimes it just makes me bawl. Yeah, I know. What can I say, I'm a total sap.

Yet another thing that has sunk in lately is how scary it is to have this perfect little person depending on me...just me. This is by far the worst part of single parenting--I can deal with taking care of all of her needs by myself on a daily basis (not saying it's easy, but it's do-able). But there is this deep-down fear of what if something happens to me, what if I'm not enough of a parent to serve as both a mom and a dad, what if something is wrong with her medically-speaking that I end up missing somehow...she completely depends on me for everything, and I want to give her the world. Of course I'll do the best I can, but what if my best isn't enough? Yep...like I said, scary. But we'll get through somehow.

I had an awesome time at my postpartum appointment last Friday! The best part was how excited everyone was to meet this little girl...it sounds trite, but it really felt like the staff was like a family, and they were SO thrilled to finally meet her! Everyone from the u/s tech, my favorite nurse practitioner, the nurses, and a few receptionists whom I dealt with the most often. They really seemed to want to see each pregnancy through...to finally see the end result after working with the patient over the course of nearly ten months. I also got my questions answered, and they really put my mind at ease: my placental abruption was only 20 percent, and my OB felt that it probably happened right before delivery. My life was never in danger, and neither was K's...if they had not acted when they did and made the decision to do an emergency c-section when they did, her life might have been in danger in another twenty minutes or so. But they did need to act quickly, and I'm so glad they did. (goes without saying) My OB did show me what was in the pathology report, and none of it seemed to surprise him, which is good. I did get the chance to thank him, both in person and in a card that the receptionists put on his desk for him, and he very warmly told me that I didn't need to thank him, that it's his job, and he's just glad it all had a great outcome for me.

Here are a few pictures of my sweet girl...

Her first bath at home (about a week and a few days old):
(I love how skeptical she looks in the last pic!)

Posing (and yawning) next to the flowers my cousin sent us...

And here she is at 3 weeks (and 8 lbs, up from 6 lbs 1 oz two weeks ago):
(She looks so serious here! Napping is serious business, I guess!)

Unanswered questions

2010-03-18T23:46:00.002-06:00

Well, I have my first of two postpartum appointments tomorrow, and I get to see (and thank) Dr. Fabulous for everything he did for me at the hospital two weeks ago! I intend to be brave tomorrow and ask him a few questions that only he has the answers to, such as how critical my placental abruption actually was, how close of a call was it, really, for Baby K and for me, am I a good candidate for a VBAC should I achieve pregnancy again (SO not thinking about that right now, but hey, you never know what the future holds), and how high-risk would a future pregnancy be. He's a straight shooter and I'm quite sure he'll tell me straightforwardly what I really want and need to know. In all honesty, I'm scared to death to find out how much (or how little) of a close call it actually was for my sweet girl, but something inside me really needs to know the truth, scary or not. Her Apgar scores were great--8 and 9--so my suspicion is that it wasn't as critical as I'm fearing. But like I said, I just gotta know.

Dad flew home to NY this afternoon, but thankfully I'm not as sad as I thought I would be since he and Mom will be back in two short weeks! Baby K's baptism will take place on the night before Easter, April 3rd, and Mom and Dad plan to fly back on the Wednesday or Thursday before...they really don't want to miss it, which makes me happy. I'll still be on maternity leave so it'll be easy for us to pick them up from the airport. Mom flies back to NY tomorrow, and I'm planning to attend a fabulous Irish dance recital with K tomorrow night so I won't have to mope around an empty house! I really miss being involved in Irish dance, and we will get to see lots of friends and incredible dancing, so that'll be fun. Plus lots of people are wanting to meet this sweet baby girl, so I'm quite excited about it!!

I'll share what I find out tomorrow in a future post. :)

Thrilling news!

2010-03-17T23:51:00.002-06:00

I could not possibly be happier for LoveYouAlready, who is now a new mom to a gorgeous baby girl through domestic adoption! I have hoped for this for her for as long as I've been following her blog (not sure how long it has been now)...what an amazing, ecstatic turn of events! And now that I have a precious baby daughter of my own, it makes it that much sweeter to know that she'll be able to know the same happiness that I've discovered over the past two weeks!

There just aren't words to express the magnitude of this kind of joy...it humbles me completely.

I have always loved a great happy ending, though this is far more of a beginning than anything else...congratulations, and enjoy every moment!!

Contentment

2010-03-15T19:30:00.002-06:00

Things are good!

It has been so much fun to see both of my parents turn to mush whenever they pick up baby K and coo at her and make faces and so on! I love the fact that they both obviously love her SO much, and it was pretty instantaneous. I need to make a list of all of the pet names my mom calls her, because it's so adorable and they're different from the names I call her on a regular basis. Some of the pet names we both use date back to when I and my two brothers were babies! Mom and Dad unfortunately head back to New York this Thursday and Friday, and I know I'm going to be incredibly sad. They're going to miss this little one like crazy, and the best I can do is to send pictures and updates on a very regular basis. I'm not worried about what it will be like with only the two of us here, but it WILL be a much quieter and in all honesty, a much lonelier existence as well. I've enjoyed having the extra company here, and I'll definitely be missing it (and them) after they leave. Mom and I have been through quite the adventure together, and it's a set of memories that are unlike any other. It's really changed the face of our relationship, but in what ways, I can't really put into words. All I know is that childbirth is a very profound experience, and neither of us will be forgetting it anytime soon. But I'm so excited about what the future holds...I am so thrilled I get to watch her grow and learn new things and interact with me and with her environment more and more each day! She is SUCH a treasure, and a blessing. I feel like the luckiest mama in the world!!

Birth story

2010-03-07T01:15:00.010-07:00

Wow, so where do I start? It's been a weird and wonderful ride, and I'm still processing all that went on this past Tuesday, March second, when I went into the hospital to be induced. First, the basics: my amazing miracle daughter, Kiernan Sienna, was born at 6:34 am on Tuesday, March 2nd, weighing six pounds, twelve ounces, and she was 19 3/4 inches long. I always have heard about how boundlessly you find yourself loving your child, but it's the kind of thing you can't truly understand until you get to experience it for yourself. I never imagined how much I could love this tiny, perfect human being, and I feel so incredibly blessed to get this chance. Every day is a new discovery, and I keep feeling like it's all this amazing, incredible dream that I don't ever want to wake up from.

But when I say that I really need to process all that went on this past Tuesday, I'm not kidding. There is definitely some grief involved...it was a very traumatic delivery for several reasons, and I still can't think about it without reliving a lot of the fear and sadness I experienced. I still cry when I think about it, and it's not all due to hormones. I'll admit, a lot of it probably is, but I have to let a few things go, and hopefully in time I will.

I guess I'll start at the beginning. I'm hoping that writing about it will help me to process it, so please, bear with me. I went in for my usual Monday morning monitoring appointment, and overall things went okay. The biophysical profile was fine, and I met with my ob. But he was surprisingly concerned about what he perceived to be a lack of movement during the biophysical profile (I'm still convinced that my baby girl was just sleepy, especially considering the fact that I rushed out of the house without eating breakfast, and she typically becomes much more active once I've eaten.) He informed me that he wanted me to check into the hospital that night instead of Tuesday night, just to play it safe. He was concerned about possible "decreased fetal movement", and I didn't mind being cautious, even though it made that day much more stressful because I still had so much to do before heading to the hospital! But okay, I knew I'd go with whatever he thought was best. They put me on the monitor, and everything was fine...she was moving around a TON, her heart tones were great, and there were really no concerns at that point. So I got a LOT done throughout the rest of the day, with my mom's help, and I'm still proud of all that we accomplished! I was panicking a bit, though, because I was planning on finishing up my sub plans that night, which I now wouldn't get to do, and I had to figure out what to do regarding getting ready for my sub for the next seven weeks. I went over to school to figure it out, and to make a longer story a bit shorter, it all worked out just fine.

So that afternoon, I packed up my hospital bag and headed over to the hospital with Mom around 6:45 pm. I was excited and nervous all at the same time, and as luck would have it, we toured the birth center just the night before as part of the last childbirth class, so I knew exactly where I'd be spending the next day or two. That was really reassuring. Once I got settled in my L & D room, they had me change into my hospital gown, put me on the monitors, checked what was happening, and everything looked good. I even got to take the best jacuzzi tub bath of my life before they started the Cytotec and my IV around 9 pm. Much to my surprise, the Cytotec was very good to me. I had read all about the nightmare stories about the off-label use of this drug, did a lot of research, talked to a lot of people, and decided to trust my ob who has been using it for the past ten years with not a single problem to speak of. They only used one dose, and it started my labor in a very gentle way, if that makes any sense. I started to feel contractions, but they were totally manageable, and I was able to breathe through them the way we had been taught in childbirth class. Mom and I tried to get some sleep before things really began to happen.

Around 1:30 am, though, the contractions got a lot stronger, and I realized that I was barely able to breathe through them and stay on top of them mentally, which would only get worse. So I called the nurse and asked about an epidural, and she sent the anesthesiologist over. As the two nurses were getting me situated on the very edge of the bed, towards the top--where I'd have to sit in order to receive the epidural--much to my surprise, my water broke! Now that's a weird sensation! I was so surprised that putting in the epidural took a full 25 minutes...I don't know why, but I've always assumed it was a fairly quick procedure. Um, no. You have to sit basically curled over into a ball and endure some pretty painful moments, all the while still finding a way to get through many strong contractions. Not easy, let me tell you. I wouldn't relive that experience for anything, but the anesthesiologist was very patient and encouraging, as were my nurses. (He was even nice enough to visit me later in my hospital room, which I'll say more about later.) And the epidural did make a huge difference, which I really appreciated at the time. It took effect very quickly, and they asked me to try to get some more sleep until I was more dilated. I was surprised to discover that even though I didn't feel the contractions as much as I was before, an epidural does nothing to relieve the pressure of the baby against your cervix and in truth, your entire pelvic floor. So the pressure (contractions) still continued to get more and more painful, and I had to use all those breathing techniques I learned in childbirth class. I went from a 4 (dilation) to a 6 to a 9 in what felt like no time at all, and then finally, I was a 10, and it was almost time to push! The nursing staff was trying to hold off, though, until at least 5 am so my ob could be there to deliver the baby. They had been talking to him several times throughout the night, but he was trying to hold off coming in until at least 5 am. If the baby decided to make an appearance earlier, they would have had the on-staff ob deliver, but my ob really wanted to be there himself. My ob did finally arrive, and they had me push for I think about half an hour. (Such a strange feeling to not be able to move my legs very well due to the epidural, and to feel pretty helpless as a result!) Baby Girl was only at a zero station, and she wasn't budging much at all. The nurses put an oxygen mask on my face. What I wasn't fully aware of at the time, though, was her drop in heart rate during every contraction and push. At this point, things started to happen very, very fast.

My ob made the decision that an emergency c-section was needed because the baby's vitals began dropping, and Mom recalled that as soon as he made the decision to go with an emergency c-section, he was out of the room like a shot to arrange for an operating room to be set up. Everything seemed to go into hyper-speed, and the nurses explained that I'd be brought into the operating room right on the same bed I'd been laboring on for the past several hours. It was that quick. The anesthesiologist proceeded to tell me that there wasn't even time to give me a stronger epidural, a spinal block, anything resembling the way I'd seen c-sections happen on TV. I was going to be completely put under, under general anesthesia. It was NOT supposed to happen that way. All I could do was lie there on that bed as it was being rushed down the hall, feeling absolutely paralyzed in fear--I will never forget how it felt to not be able to move because I was so terrified. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I didn't know if my baby would survive, I didn't even know if I would survive the surgery. All I could do was start to pray, and I prayed the hardest I ever have in my entire life, not knowing if it would even make a difference. They got me into the operating room (I think I now have a phobia of operating rooms) and pressed this hard plastic mask over my nose and mouth. I couldn't breathe well, and it felt like they were trying to suffocate me. They kept asking me how I was doing, if I was okay, and I was so upset that I was still conscious. I just kept saying from behind the mask, "I'm still awake!" I think I must have told them that at least four times in response to their "How are you doing?" questions. If I had to be put out, I wanted to be put out sooner rather than later, and it felt like it took forever. I have a vague memory of the betadyne stuff being squirted all over my front (they referred to this kind of operation, if I recall correctly, as "splash" or "splash and dash" or something equally as horrifying.) and I was still! conscious! I finally smelled the anesthesia gas coming through the mask, and that was the last thing that I remember before coming to about a half an hour later.

Coming to was like discovering that what I thought was just a dream was actually happening after all. It felt like someone had just given me a second chance, that I'd get to have the baby after all. The first thing they told me was that my baby was just fine, but I don't think it fully registered at that point. I just started to sob, saying, "I've never been so scared!" I couldn't stop crying. They told me that my mom was with the baby, and that she was doing great. I was still in such a fog that things weren't really registering, but they were starting to. They wheeled my hospital bed out of the OR and down the hall past the nursery, where I could see (barely, as though in soft focus) a nurse holding up a beautifully pink baby...I don't think I'll ever forget that sight, even though I don't really have a crystal-clear memory of it, only a rather vague one. They brought my bed into another hospital room, and I discovered with a start that it was the same one I had been laboring in. And at that point, I think they put my baby girl, who by this time was dressed in a little shirt and hat and wrapped in a blanket, into my arms. I hate the fact that I can't really recall the specifics of that moment, only that I started sobbing all over again once I really realized that she was just fine. I also hate the fact that I never got to have that moment of the nurses putting the baby on my stomach or into my arms right after she was born...I had to wait a half hour or so just to find out she was going to be okay. I won't ever be able to get that moment back, and it breaks my heart. I'll get over it, but right now it still makes me incredibly sad.

But I think what has affected me the most has been discovering that the reason behind my baby girl's decreased heart rate during all that pushing was a placental abruption. My ob had suspected it, had made the decision to rush me into an emergency c-section, and had discovered that his hunch was correct. He was the one who performed the c-section as well. My baby girl almost didn't make it at all. Someone mentioned later (can't remember who it was) that during the surgery, they ended up removing my placenta in pieces, something I'm trying so hard not to picture in my head. I've decided to write my ob a thank-you card of sorts, which is the least I can do, considering all that has happened. Will someone please tell me how you thank someone for saving your child's life?! I am honestly not sure how to even put into words the gratitude I feel. But I know I have to try.

So I had to stay in the hospital from Monday night all the way until Friday morning. Recovery has been difficult, as any woman who has gone through a c-section knows. I had a "pain ball" attached to my incision (a grenade-shaped plastic ball of pain medication connected to the incision itself) for the rest of the week, which was great, I guess, except for the fact that I had to be tethered to it 24-7. It was also very upsetting to have every kind of hospital personnel come into my room and preface their remarks with "I know you've just been through a very difficult/traumatic/upsetting (pick one) delivery..." yet no one really came to talk to me about exactly what had happened during delivery. As my mom put it, it felt like everyone was invited to my party except for me. The anesthesiologist did come back later to visit, and he told me that in non-emergency c-section situations, it takes fifteen minutes for the spinal block etc. to take effect, whereas my doctors had only minutes to get my baby girl out. I've basically been putting together the pieces of the puzzle all last week during my hospital stay. Needless to say, my mom was just as panicked and scared as I was while I was in surgery, and she spent the duration of the surgery basically pacing the floor. She described to me later--in tears--the way at the moment they came to tell her that both the baby and I were okay, dawn was breaking, and it was an absolutely beautiful sight. I don't regret the c-section at all...it was necessary to save my daughter's life, and I couldn't possibly be more thankful that she's now here to continue the journey with me.

I know that I might very well have more to add to this birth story, but for now, it's a start. I think she is absolutely perfect and beautiful in every way, and I swear she gets cuter by the day! I'm not sure what I would have done if she hadn't made it out of surgery. That's a question I will gladly leave unanswered. I'm just so happy to enjoy her presence every day...she's truly amazing.

She's here!

2010-03-05T19:35:00.003-07:00

My amazing, beautiful new daughter was born at 6:24 am on March 2nd after an emergency c-section (not fun)! I will share her birth story and her name SOON, with pictures!! Stay tuned!

Change.

2010-02-27T22:20:00.005-07:00

Wow, it's really starting to hit me, what a huge transition this will be.

It reminds me a little of what a woman might go through emotionally on the eve of her wedding, in the sense that she (and I) will no longer be "one". It's occurred to me that I am saying goodbye to my singleness, but in the best way possible. The end of a chapter: a long one, forty years' worth. People have asked me how I'm feeling these days, and I can't help thinking of it in emotional terms as well as the more obvious physical ones. I'm feeling it ALL: very nervous, excited, overwhelmed, thrilled, all of it. And sometimes it feels like I'm experiencing it all at the same time. I know these feelings will be magnified exponentially once baby girl actually gets here, and will be even further compounded by all the crazy hormonal surges. I'm just going to have to buckle my proverbial seatbelt and hold on. Everyone tells me to take it one day at a time, which I think is the best advice of all. Even as I've been getting ready for her arrival, I've tried to take things one task at a time, and it's worked well. Today Mom and I got the car seat all installed, and it looks great. (We both looked down at this car seat after it was all secured, and we both admitted that we were picturing a tiny little girl all bundled in there!) Her room could NOT look better. I really feel ready as far as having a great place for her to call her own.

What I can't wrap my brain around is the fact that in a matter of days, I will actually be a Mom! I will have this beautiful tiny girl to love and take care of and raise, and even though I can say till the cows come home that I know my life is going to change, it feels so surreal to be standing right here on the eve of all this change! (In some ways it feels just like standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump off...) SO many emotions, and I can't even say which ones are dominating. I really feel all mixed up inside, but in a strange, calming way, I know that it's all okay. I understand that it's so unbelievably normal, and that goes for coupled moms-to-be as well as single ones like myself.

So here's the countdown: tomorrow is Sunday (last childbirth class), then Monday (payday! woot!), then I go in to the hospital on Tuesday night to start either Cervadil or Cytotec overnight, followed by Pitocin on Wednesday morning. March third. Oooo...that's 3/3/10! What a lovely number.

Wow, I can't wait...!

Hurry up and wait. [UPDATED]

2010-02-21T23:39:00.004-07:00

Story of my life: waiting, waiting, waiting, oh, and some more waiting.

What I should be doing: sub plans for my long-term sub, deep-cleaning my bathroom, deep-cleaning my refrigerator, going through the piles of paper on my coffee table, steaming the kitchen floor, cleaning the oven (a big maybe).

But do I want to actually DO any of the aforementioned things? Yeah, not so much. (I'd really rather lounge around and watch TV, in all honesty.)

Hospital bag is packed, minus the last-minute stuff I can't pack yet 'cause I'm still using them, such as my cell phone charger, toiletries, etc.

Baby clothes are washed and put away.
Baby room is all done and waiting for its future inhabitant.
Diaper bag is stocked and ready.
Bedroom is presentable, at least. Not much else I really want or feel I need to do in there.

I'm having my car detailed tomorrow (hopefully). My plan, though, is to have the car seat temporarily installed in the car my mom is using while she's here (my grandmother's car) since I'm not convinced I'll feel up to driving home from the hospital...Mom will be taking care of that particular responsibility.

New diaper bag is *AWESOME*. Got it at 80 percent off due to it being a discontinued color. Originally $120, got it for $24, and it doesn't scream "DIAPER BAG!" whatsoever. What can I say, I'm a girl who loves a good bargain. Especially when it's something I absolutely love. Oh, and the box wasn't even stolen off the front porch. That's a coup in itself.

I have yet another monitoring appointment tomorrow, and this time Mom is coming with me! It's the first appointment to which I'm actually bringing someone with me. I'll be curious to find out what she thinks of my enigmatic ob. :) And I'm also very curious to find out whether I'm any more dilated or effaced.

And that's the news from Lake Wobegon. Wish I had more to tell! It's like the lull before the storm...

And here's the update:
2 cm dilated
still 50 percent effaced
[What? You wanted something exciting?! Ha!]

Data.

2010-02-15T20:01:00.002-07:00

One cm dilated.
50 percent effaced.
She still needs to drop some. (I'm guessing +2 station)

Induction has been scheduled: March 2nd, 8:00 pm. (Actual due date is March 6th)

*sigh*

Time marches on, but not nearly fast enough for me.

Just Us Girls

Hello, Stranger

Thankful and very, very blessed

Have to.

Ten Ways NOT to Raise a Toddler!

Regrouping...and still unsure

BFN

Bad Mommy Moment UPDATED

Bad Mommy Moment #329

Waiting...and more waiting...

PUPO!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away...

Getting close!

Great news

There is a method to the madness after all

I need anger management therapy

Here we go again

New arrival!

Disappointment.

New big girl bed!

It's all in the timing

I LOVE this SMC community!!!!

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

"Single" moms [vent]

The countdown begins [UPDATED]

Words cannot even describe how beautiful this is...

Born with a Broken Heart

Onward!

First haircut!

Eleven days. And counting, but trying not to...

Auspicious!

And so it begins...

Weird dreams.

Terrified.

The good, the bad, and the...really good.

These boots were made for walkin'

What would I do without you?!

Hopeful

WaffleGirl

The Rainbow Connection

Up, up, and away...

Splintered.

Thank you, I needed that!

Glasses!

This and that

Glasses!

Worried.

One year ago today...

Bittersweet.

On bravery

It's really true.

But is the grass always greener?

There's nothing better than...*UPDATED*

The Locator

Ten months!

You want me to eat THAT?!

note to self: Don't Be a Stranger.

can't wrap my head around it

My brother is amazing...see for yourself! (Sepia Tone feat. my baby bro, Ben Mills, on sax)

heart = broken

My daughter has way too many...

The. Big. Update.

Lucky number seven

She's smiling 'cause she's...

The end is nigh.

Down for the count.

Weird.

I need a twelve-step program. No, really.

Six months!

So much to say...

...and we're off!

?????

Two!

Mixed

She's growing so fast!!!

As promised...summer 2010 so far

New York state of mind

Pics, pics, and more pics

A-movin' and a-shakin'

Happy 12 week birthday, baby girl!

There's nothing better than...UPDATED