Sporadic randomness

...or is it random sporadicness? Random sporadicity?! Heh.

• I now have a *FUN* new symptom: heartburn. It's pretty mild...just enough to be hugely annoying. But seeing as I've never really experienced it much before, it's not a welcome addition. I've been enjoying a relatively symptom-free pregnancy, so this is definitely a change. Gotta head out at some point and buy some Tums. (I have found, however, that drinking milk helps somewhat.)

• Twenty weeks! Halfway there! Woo hoo! *does happy dance* SO nice to be able to say that I'm now into the second half of my pregnancy...

• My ankles are scaring me. No, really. By the end of the day I can't even believe how swollen they are. Gotta remember to sit with my feet up when I get home from work...but there always seems to be so much that I should be doing instead.

• I've decided that the sweetest part of pregnancy--by far--is feeling that little girl move around inside me. At this point, I don't mind being kicked whatsoever, but I'm fully aware that as her kicks and punches get stronger, I might not welcome them quite so much. But right now, it reminds me exactly how blessed I am, that feeling her move is a truly special, one-of-a-kind experience. I think of my friend Bobbe, who adopted three kids many years ago, and the fact that she has no idea what it feels like (and really wanted to), which kind of breaks my heart.

• SO happy that we are now starting our second quarter of the school year. This quarter will last until Christmas. One-fourth of the way done with this year! Which also brings me that much closer to the arrival of my little one...

• I'm off to upstate NY for Thanksgiving, and I am SO looking forward to it. Not so much the traveling itself, complete with a layover in Detroit, but it'll be so great to get away for nearly a week.

• I'm hoping to get my H1N1 vaccination on November 11th, which apparently is the first opportunity in the county for the high-risk populations to get their shot. They're saying that some doctors' offices are also getting them, but I don't have high hopes of getting one that way. I'm still going to call my PCP's office tomorrow, but I doubt I'll get good news. The county already canceled the shot clinic that was scheduled for October 24 - 26 because they didn't receive nearly as many vaccinations as they expected. So the question remains: should I take a half-day off of work on the 11th to ensure my place in line, and give up a half-day of future PAID maternity leave? Most of my maternity leave is only at 60 percent instead of at full pay, and it only kicks in after I have used up all of the personal leave (at 100 percent) that I've accumulated, which sadly isn't that much. (Probably because I fully believe in taking "mental health days" on occasion! I don't regret it, either--teaching middle school ain't easy!) I keep coming back to the fact that so many of my students (and my teammate Bobbe) have already had the swine flu (and will undoubtedly come down with it in the near future). So many of them don't even stay home when they're contagious (but of course they don't even know they have it when they're most contagious). Hopefully the November 11th clinic won't be canceled as well.

• Okay, that's all I got. Hopefully life is treating the rest of you well these days.
  

In remembrance

My heart is breaking tonight for all of the women and couples who have suffered through miscarriages and lost precious babies...I am all too aware of exactly how fortunate I've been (so far). Loss remains one of my greatest fears, and I'm not sure whether I would have the strength to get through something like that. Hopefully I'll never have to find out. Tonight I'll be praying for them to find peace and the courage to move forward, wherever their paths may take them. (And I love the idea of angel babies watching over their families from heaven.)

Deleted post

Okay, enlightenment finally came...I do get it now. And it's all going to be okay.

It didn't feel good to re-read that post, so it's been 86'd, banished to the side of the cyberhighway somewhere.

Time to move on.

Birthday wish...granted!

Me = absolutely over the moon.


PS: Chris, my u/s tech, took about a kajillion different measurements, and there are NO soft markers for anything. She looks about as close to perfect as I could ever hope for.

My daughter.

Incredible.

I am so blessed.

(Excuse me while I go cry now.)

Almost there!

Two more days till the Big U! The Big Ultrasound, that is. It's funny, deciding whether or not to find out the gender has really driven home the fact that I am lucky enough to get to make ALL the decisions when it comes to this little one. And at the same time, it's such a huge, often overwhelming responsibility. I know I'll be feelin' REALLY overwhelmed as I get closer and closer to meeting him or her. The phrase "Be careful what you wish for, 'cause you might actually get it" has been coming to mind ever since I saw those two little pink lines! But then, at the moment I finally stop myself from near-hyperventilating, I realize that in the end, the two of us will be just fine. And I can't wait to be a mom.

So yes, I will definitely be finding out the gender on Thursday. (It'll be just my luck that the ultrasound will be inconclusive that day, and I'll have to wait even longer!) I looked at it this way: I found myself feeling that if I kept it a surprise, I wouldn't be able to design the baby's room just the way I wanted to (until after the baby was born, anyway), and I really wanted to feel like I was as ready as I could be before he/she arrives. And even though I know I'll probably receive gifts of clothes, mostly, at the two baby showers (one being planned by my friend Tina, and the usual one that'll be held at my school for my pregnant colleague, Sarah, and me), I didn't want to feel like I had to shop for gender-specific clothes all over again after the baby was born. I still think that if I were doing this whole thing with a partner, I may well have decided to wait. But I also figure that since there are going to be so many unknowns involved with being a single mother already, this is one thing I can completely prepare myself for way ahead of time. People say that there aren't really any true surprises left in life anymore, besides waiting till the birth to discover the gender, but I'm just going to enjoy this special surprise on my milestone birthday instead!! Best birthday gift I can imagine, besides actually achieving pregnancy in the first place.

So here's my plan. My appointment is at 1:15 pm on Thursday, so I'll be taking a half day off of work starting at noon (after a really important parent conference that I can't miss). I am having a lil' after-work birthday get-together with my friends at 4:30, so I'll be heading to a party store after my appointment to (hopefully) find a bunch of either pink or blue glow sticks to pass out to my friends at the get-together. I'll be asking them to close their eyes, I'll pass out the glow sticks, and at the same time, have everyone "break" them to see whether I'm having a little boy or a little girl! I think it'll be a fun way to break the news, assuming all goes as planned. I don't know whether you can get single-color glow sticks or just a variety pack, so we'll see. I'm also going to see if I can order a cake tomorrow. Quite a few of my students have been consistently asking when I'll get to find out the gender, so I told them that this Friday, I'll either be wearing pink or blue to "celebrate". They can just look at what I'm wearing, and they'll know. :)
Can't wait!!!

Pregnancy ain't easy

Not that I ever thought it would be.

First, there's this perpetual in-limbo state I find myself in. Waiting...waiting...and waiting some more. Waiting until my twenty-week ultrasound. Waiting to find out the gender. Waiting until I'm *really* showing. Waiting to buy the baby gear I want to purchase NOW. Waiting until I can afford the bigger-ticket items! Waiting to set up a baby room until I know the gender. Waiting for the holidays to get here. You get the idea. I remarked to someone today how I seem to be wishing my life away, at least for the next five or so months. I'm finding it difficult to enjoy the now, rather than constantly trying to look down the road. And I don't quite know how to stop.

Physically, it's hard to feel not at 100 percent for an extended period of time. I frequently catch myself wishing I felt more like my "old" self. But would I wish to not ever be pregnant? Not in a million years. I'm really sick and tired of always feeling exhausted all the time, even though I KNOW it's only gonna get worse. As a middle school teacher of 120-plus students, I'm finding it really challenging to keep up with everything, especially the ever-present grading of papers. (Perfect example: today my students generated four pages-worth of work during a 45 minute class period, making a grand total of yet another 480 pages for me to grade. It creates quite the stack. And there will always be more the next day.) Not that I'm *ever* in the mood to do it. It's one of those comes-with-the-territory evils, and one that's not ever going to go away for the next fifteen-or-so years. It's just harder to accept it when one is pregnant. And whatever happened to the so-called increased energy I'm supposed to feel during my second trimester, huh?! Haven't seen it yet. All I feel is more tired, a lot more hungry all the time, and even my boobs feel more sore, which is *definitely* not supposed to be happening right now. I'm chalking it up to a growth spurt or three on the part of this tiny little human sharing space in my body. *sigh*

I am also finding it somewhat hard to be pregnant by myself. I did anticipate that this would be challenging, and I was right. It's still a ton of fun to dream and imagine what it's going to be like, especially this newfound mission of shopping online for all things baby. But there are also a lot of times when it's downright lonely. The people around me don't want to hear about all the pregnancy-related thoughts spinning around in my head, and for the most part I don't talk about it except to answer random questions now and then. (The most annoying one by far is constantly being asked, "So how are you FEELING?" Um, fine, thanks.) When it comes down to it, women have been going through this for eons, and there is DEFINITELY more to life than being pregnant. Even though right now it's foremost in my brain.

I hope this post doesn't come across as being too complain-y, because I don't mean it to be. I still wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything in the world. But this blog was intended to be a safe place for me to process some of these thoughts flying through my head, and these are all thoughts that I've found myself burying (and not really talking about) until now. It feels great to put them into words and nail them down to this computer screen. It'll be interesting to reread them after the baby is born. :)

Seeking advice...

Just a question to any and all veteran moms out there--

I am pondering the myriad of stroller options, and I can't quite figure out the desirability of a "travel system" (car seat plus stroller). When would I need to keep the baby in his/her car seat, then snap it into its accompanying stroller? I mean, I can't wait to go on walks using a stroller, but I'm leaning more towards a jogging stroller-type thing rather than a travel system. I can definitely see the advantage of not waking up a sleeping infant in a car seat in order to put him/her into a stroller, but as far as I can see, the only time I'd do that is if I were going shopping at a mall etc., something I so rarely do. And even then, wouldn't I just use a regular stroller?! More often than not, I envision a travel system-type stroller just getting in the way and taking up space, when it's just easier to carry a car seat for short distances.

Any thoughts?? I'd love to hear from other experienced moms out in the blogosphere...
Thanks in advance!!