When boring = stupendous

I must be THE most boring OB patient in the world. Why? Because there is nuthin' goin' on. In the best possible way, thank goodness. Now I can breathe a lil' easier.

• I passed my AFP blood test, which I assumed because I hadn't heard anything. I'm glad I asked at my appointment, just to be sure. It does annoy me, though, that at times the communication seems to be lacking.
  

• I'm at the 58th percentile in growth, which at first didn't sound nearly high enough. But then when Dr. B. explained that the higher the percentile, the bigger the baby, I am SO glad that I'm just about average. No ten-pounders for me. Please.

• Dr. B. made a point of saying that overall I seem to be doing really well. (Why did he sound surprised when he said that?!) I asked about flying to NY for Thanksgiving and to MN for Christmas (it's fine, as long as I wear full-length maternity support hose to help prevent blood clots, drink lots of water, and take a stroll down the aisle every half hour), about gestational diabetes (they do the one-hour glucose test at week 28), and about my swollen cankles (my blood pressure has always been good, so they are considering it normal, considering how much I have to be on my feet at work).

• Baby Girl is still a girl, thank goodness! I was so amazed to see those three little white lines on the ultrasound...Dr. Google wasn't kidding when he said that that's what the ultrasound techs look for! It was clear as day to me.

• My cervix is exceedingly competent, thankyouverymuch. Mom had an incompetent cervix with all three of us, causing her to receive a cerclage and to be induced all three times. It's unlikely, but possible, for that condition to be inherited, so the main purpose of yesterday's ultrasound was to measure my cervix just to make sure. And I passed--woo hoo! All systems go.
  

• Yesterday baby measured at 22 weeks three days, while based on my LMP I was at 22 weeks six days. But according to C, my fabulous ultrasound tech, you can't get much closer than that. According to her, I'm measuring right on schedule. SO happy!

• I admit it, I'm nervous about the one-hour glucose test coming up in five weeks. We have no history of diabetes in our family, but I'm still concerned. Time will tell, I guess.

• No comments about my weight by either the nurse who weighed me or Dr. B. It's hard not to worry about that, though, considering that I'm not that proud of my eating habits these days. Not horrible, but not as good as I should be. I need to exercise more, too. *heavy sigh*

• Best news of all? Believe it or not, the OB's office is going to cover the bill in full that I received from the lab that did my AFP test. They charged me in full because my insurance refused to pay anything towards the test, saying that the lab is out of network. Turns out, my insurance is a fairly limited plan (oh joy), and my insurance company did send a memo to the office telling them that I wouldn't be covered, but the office folks didn't notice it or record it prior to doing the test. So Dr. B. felt that the office was responsible for failing to notify me beforehand. I could have had the test done through the hospital (which would have been considered in-network), but it would have been a more limited test, not the full scope that I was lucky enough to receive. (This is the second instance during this pregnancy in which one of my doctors decided that his clinic or office would cover an expense for me...the first one was my RE, who had his clinic purchase another sperm sample after his clueless receptionists managed to allow my original sperm sample to thaw. Doh!)
  

But overall, it's about as good an appointment as I could hope for. Nothing worrisome, no red flags, nothing but good news. Time to celebrate!!

A tiny little post...

...because it's late and I can't sleep.

I'm thinking about Renee's funeral tomorrow. Excited that I'll get to see my friends Melynee and Tina whom I don't see all that often, but so sad about the circumstances.

Still embarrassed over the fact that I got the date of today's expected ultrasound and OB appointment wrong--it's Friday instead. Whoops.

Anxious about needing to contest my health insurance company's refusal to cover my NT bloodwork, who claims that the lab is "out of network". Even though it's the ONLY LAB around that even performs this service. Even though my OB's office has been sending NT bloodwork from patients under the same insurance to this lab for years without incident...until now. *sigh* Thanks for nuthin', guys.

Feeling this slightly scratchy throat and hoping that I'm not getting sick after getting my H1N1 shot today.

REALLY not knowing what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Especially since it has to be darkish (for the funeral right after school). The quest continues.

Loving every second of the kicking that gets stronger and more frequent every day. Never thought I'd be so happy to get kicked on a daily basis!

Praying that my friend Lisa will have a successful DIUI tomorrow.

Not wanting to deal with certain obnoxious students tomorrow. You know who you are. (but also secretly glad that one of them moved away yesterday...how awful is that?!)

Just get me to the weekend!!!

Damn. Damn. Damn.

I lost a dear friend this weekend.

Renee was truly one of the sweetest, most caring people I've ever known...she was like a second mom to me, even though she was only a handful of years older than I am. We worked together at my school for the past five years, and I can't fathom that she's gone. Happy Hour at Harry's on Friday afternoons has been a tradition over all of the years I've known her, and both she and Tina leave a huge void that none of us will be able to fill. Renee has fully supported me and my efforts to achieve pregnancy ever since the very beginning--she and her mom even crocheted a beautiful newborn set (sweater, blanket, booties, cap) out of pale aqua baby yarn for me even before I got pregnant. If it fits her, this set will be part of my baby girl's going-home outfit when we leave the hospital in March. (I'm already looking forward to sending her mom a picture of my little one in all her finery this spring.)

Renee was Tina's best friend, and she took it very hard when we lost Tina last February to pancreatic cancer. Renee has always been a more-than-moderate drinker, and she definitely started drinking even more after Tina passed away. Unfortunately her liver really paid the price. She had been out for quite a while this fall, in the hospital fighting cirrhosis of the liver which apparently also led to the recent failing of her kidneys as well. I and everyone else knew she wasn't doing well, but I had no idea it had gotten this critical. In fact, our friend Bobbe had just received a card from her last Tuesday, thanking her for gift cards she had sent her.

I hate the fact that I never got to say goodbye, or to thank her properly for all of her encouragement and support over these last five years. She was NOT supposed to leave us so soon--she was supposed to get to meet and hold and cuddle my baby girl. I can still feel her hugs, when she would hug me and kiss me on the cheek and say, "I love you, baby!" Renee, I'll always love you and miss you, and I am really hoping (I'm quite sure you will) that you and Tina will have a grand ol' time in heaven together... please keep watch over my little girl. She would have loved to know you.

Clarity (closer to it, anyway)

• I think I've pinpointed the distinction between expectations and hopes. I had hopes that my parents would acknowledge the fact that it was a milestone birthday for me, and I was/am sad that my hopes didn't pan out. But it is what it is, as they say. I'll get over it.
  

• I have concluded that because this is the first grandchild, my parents don't really know what my hopes are. Will I actually articulate them? Probably not...instead I will accept whatever they want to do and just know that it's okay. I should be glad that my girl will have doting grandparents at all, and I do know for a fact that they will definitely want to see her, spend time with her, and cultivate a relationship with her.

• I have also concluded that if I need some space right now, it's okay. I'll get back into contact when I'm ready. (I know a lot of my sensitivity right now has to do with hormones, and this too shall pass.)
  

• I need to remember the saying that "friends are the family you choose", and this couldn't be more true. I am extremely thankful for my very supportive circle of friends and my amazing supportive family here in Colorado...they're so precious to me and I am so lucky to have them!

• I am still trying to come to terms with the lack of a relationship with my youngest brother and his wife, who live out near Minneapolis. Simply put, they do not really communicate with any of us. "We're busy," they say. And when we do see them, it's only because we have made all the arrangements and the effort to see them. They don't call, they don't e-mail, they don't acknowledge birthdays, they don't even return calls until much later. Clearly they have chosen a different "family" than ours. And I guess I just have to accept it. I have to accept the fact that my daughter will not have much of a relationship with this aunt and uncle, and not because I don't want her to. It's hard, but like I said, it's something that I have to accept. They always offer to host Christmas out there, primarily because they have a dog and five cats, and they don't like leaving them to travel or having someone come in to take care of them. So I am left with the decision of whether to go out there for Christmas, where my parents and middle brother will be, or spend Christmas here, with my Colorado family. Flying out to Minnesota isn't cheap, so I have to decide whether I want to spend that kind of money. Two or three years ago, during one Christmas get-together, my youngest brother and I had a pretty big fight and didn't talk for a while...he made it very clear that he is not very fond of my parents or the way they raised him, and I had a hard time with that. I'm not sure whether things are one hundred percent resolved between us, even now.

• In a sense I am definitely not looking forward to the holidays this year. I'm very aware that these holidays represent an end of a chapter for me, and to me that's pretty huge. I really have to think about how I want to spend them and with whom. I can't explain it, but whenever I think about the holidays this year, I just get sad. I think it's because I know I should be happy about spending them with my immediate family, and I'm just not. And at the very same time, I'm sad about not feeling like I have the relationship I used to have with them. I'm sad about NOT wanting to spend the holidays with them.

• I'm very thankful for having a place to air these innermost feelings. I've always thought that writing can be cathartic, and this blog is no exception. :)

• I'm *extremely* thankful for all of the thoughtful and supportive comments and encouragement on my last post...it helps so much to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with stuff like this. I felt so much better (yes, a few tears were shed) after reading all of your sincere comments...BIG thanks to Samantha, Genkicat, loveyoualready, Jo and Jennifer!! Your responses meant more to me than you know. :)
  

Parents + expectations = ???

I'm sad tonight. And I've felt this same sadness for quite a few weeks now, if not longer.

Wish I could figure out why.

Maybe this post will help me sort out my feelings somewhat. I really wish I didn't feel this sadness. This little one will be my parents' first grandchild, and for whatever reason I seem to have these expectations that things will be a certain way. I think I have them because of what I've seen friends' parents do and say as they prepare for a new grandchild, which I also think is quite unfair because I'm fully aware that everyone's parents are different. I have no right to expect or even hope for certain behaviors, but somehow I still feel let down.

I think part of it, which isn't baby-related, is the fact that my feelings seem to be hurt by their commemoration of my birthday. (as evidenced by the tears as I type this) It's so ridiculous. I shouldn't feel let down about this...after all, I did receive a very nice card. But how many times does a girl turn forty, and couldn't they have sprung for some kind, any kind of small, trivial gift? I feel so materialistic feeling this way...normally I have no problem with getting cards from them--they do it every year, and they're always great cards. But like I said, this wasn't just a regular birthday, and the truth is that I do feel hurt. As much as I don't want to be. I should be glad that they remembered my birthday at all. But here I am, on the other side of the country, and I had such a great birthday with my friends and extended family members who live out here. I was so touched by my aunt and uncle who thought of me when they were on a business trip in Omaha...they stumbled upon this awesome jewelry shop and found a beautiful necklace that is just so perfectly me--I'm still so flattered that they thought of me when they were away. My cousin, who is incredibly talented at making jewelry, also made me a gorgeous necklace that I absolutely love. And my parents... I really want to feel differently, but I guess I can't deny that my feelings are at least a little bit bruised.

I am also frustrated that I don't feel that they've been supportive of this venture--pregnancy via A.R.T.--since the very beginning. My aunt and uncle have been behind me one hundred percent since the start, and I love them for it. Absolute support and encouragement--I'm so grateful, and I'm lucky to have them in my life. So why can't my parents support me in the same way? It's not as though it was a snap decision--I debated and did research for a full three years before I started "trying" over the past two years. But apparently that wasn't enough. I do understand having reservations, especially if you're worried about someone, but I would have hoped that they would have had more faith in me. So now I have friends saying to me, "Well, of course your parents will be buying A, B, and/or C for you before the baby comes." And I'm like, "Well...no." I'm truly on my own, and it kind of hurts that they aren't offering to help out in any way. It's as if they're saying, "Well, you got yourself into this, so now you get to prove that you can handle it." I don't know. It hurts. Again, I wish I felt differently, but that's what I'm left with. Is it possible to talk yourself out of feeling a particular way? Again, I don't know. If I could, I definitely would. I think maybe these unwanted expectations (hopes? wishes?) of mine come, to some extent, from our culture, our society. Which I think is completely unfair, and I wish they would just go away.

So I haven't really wanted to talk to them since I'm still working through the way I've been feeling lately. I talked to them on the phone on my birthday, but not since, and they're not happy about it. I've gotten a couple of terse voicemail messages and e-mails, and right now, it feels like just one more obligation to call them back. So I haven't. I gave in and sent my father an e-mail update this afternoon--just the facts about what's been happening in my world lately--and Mom wrote back tonight. But up until now we've typically been communicating via phone conversations, so this is a change for them. It's usually my brothers who don't communicate as often as my parents would like, not me, the loyal only daughter. Right now I don't want to call. Right now I don't want to use the plane ticket I've already purchased to visit over Thanksgiving. Whether that will change, I have no idea. I hope so, but I just don't know. I don't like the not-knowing.

What have I gotten myself into?!

Yes, I admit it. This phrase seems to still be stuck on repeat in my head.
In the interest of full disclosure (for, um, posterity, right?), I am going to start a list of the fears--irrational or not--that keep creeping up on me:

• I watch my cousin interact with her 9-month-old and wonder whether I'll even know what to do with an infant. What if bonding with my baby girl does NOT come naturally to me?
• What if I can't find a way to console her when she's crying?
• What if I can't figure out which kind of cry is which?
• What if breastfeeding doesn't work out?
• What if she'll need therapy later on because of my poor parenting skills?
• What if I continue to make the same (ahem...mainly financial) mistakes that I've made in the past?
• What if she hates me because she doesn't have a daddy like the other kids?
• What if I get post-partum depression?
• What if I just can't handle caring for an infant by myself?
• What if something awful happens and she dies even before she is born?
• What if something awful happens and she dies shortly after she is born?
• What if she ends up dying from SIDS? How will I cope?
• What if I end up not being able to afford good daycare?
• What if she has colic or acid reflux or allergies or asthma?
• What if I just can't figure out what to DO?!
• What if I end up deciding this was all a big mistake?!

Weirdly enough, it feels good to just get all these fears out of my head and onto the screen, namely somewhere besides floating around in my head. I know that this post comes across as one big freakout, but I can assure you that that's not the case. But the truth is that these are things I wonder about, buried somewhere in the recesses of my subconscious. I'm sure a lot of first-time mothers wonder about these very same things. And ninety-nine percent of the time, I feel pretty sure that I'll find a way to figure out what to do about whatever may come up. At least I hope so.

Decisions, decisions

Too many choices. Waaaay too many choices. I'm in absolute love with Pottery Barn Kids, and I have seriously gone back and forth several times as to which crib set I wanted to buy. I actually got all the way to ordering a set online, then changed my mind and tonight, I drove a half hour up north to return it at the only Pottery Barn Kids store in my city. I was hoping that the set I finally decided on would be in the store so I could check it out (the feel of fabric is everything to me), but sadly, no. I did still end up ordering the set pictured above, which is the first one I thought I had decided on. The lesson to be learned, kids, is to trust your first instincts.

What I did find was everything else for kids under the sun! I really wish I could work there over my summers off, but that would've been P.B. (pre-baby). Weird that now I can classify my life events as P.B. or A.B. (after-baby). Anyway, the dilemma I've been grappling with (admittedly, not a dilemma whatsoever in the grander scheme of things!) in terms of baby room decor is the fact that I LOVE bright colors, but I also believe in establishing a calm, restful environment for an infant. But I'm not all that much of a fan of pastels. It's a fine line, people. So I went with the crib set above, mainly because of the darker shade of pink in there AND the fact that I can use a lot of light green to balance out all the PINK. I do love the more modern design of the quilt, and like I said, it favors my love of all things light green. You might not be able to tell from the picture, but the quilt is made up of ribbons of a variety of colors and designs. The fitted sheet has all shades of pink dots, and I love the simplicity of the crib skirt, which isn't in the picture above. I wasn't going to get a crib skirt at first, but changed my mind when I saw it. (That, and the set was on sale and included the crib skirt as well.) So as of November 10th (it's on backorder) I'll have a crib set...I'm thinking I want to try to pick up a crib--probably a white one--before then so I can set it all up!

The other thing that makes me laugh is the fact that I won't even be using it with Baby Girl for quite a while! The plan is that my cousin will (hopefully) be lending me her Arm's Reach co-sleeper bedside crib, and of course you can't actually USE the bumpers or quilt with an infant, anyway. Bumpers later, but still. I guess it's all in the name of decor, right?! How funny that I've been poring over nursery designs to find "the one", just as I might shop for a wedding dress (!!). Hey, I guess you take what you can get, anyway.

P.S.--I didn't quite know how to answer the ladies at the store when they suggested, "Hey, and you should bring your husband in next time!" as I furtively glanced down at my ringless hand... I suppose I should get used to that assumption. But it still feels weird to me.