Welcome to Scaryville, population: ME.

Ugh. I had an unexpected doctor's appointment yesterday due to some seriously unexpected spotting. My first thought? "Here we go, the beginning of the end." Honestly, I was a little surprised that they insisted on having me come in the day before my scheduled appointment, because when it comes to spotting (as opposed to bleeding), what's one more day? But now, when I think about it, I'm actually kind of touched that Sandy, my nurse practitioner whom I've been seeing for years for the regular girly-bits stuff, didn't want me to panic any longer than necessary. So I went in, waited a while in the ultrasound room since there was someone else ahead of me, and couldn't really stop the tears as I waited for what felt like hours. I was pretty convinced that the moment that I had been dreading for the past nine weeks was imminent. She did the ultrasound, and I couldn't bring myself to even look in the direction of the screen, but then she said, "Here we go, and everything looks great." She even pointed out the little arms and legs all moving around (!!!), and I was so relieved, all I could do was cry. Strong heartbeat of 160 bpm, and the best part? Instead of measuring at 9w2d like I expected, the little bean is measuring at 9w6d...music to my ears. Yeah, I know ultrasounds can be off either way by a week or so, but I don't care...if that little one is looking strong and healthy, I'll take it! Sandy told me later that she really didn't want to have to tell me any bad news...she's been cheering me on in this endeavor since the very beginning--five years ago--when I first started asking questions about what donor insemination might entail. She didn't find any obvious reason for the spotting, and since it's now very slight (and brown, indicating old blood), it's not something to worry about. I'm just so relieved (did I mention that?!) that everything is looking good, and I'm starting to dare to imagine that I might actually end up with a baby in my arms in early March. What a thought.

Hurry up and wait

Nine weeks...

...has such a nice ring to it!

My next OB appt. is this Wednesday, and it feels like such a long wait until then. My latest fixation is the idea of a missed miscarriage, no heartbeat but the body hasn't quite caught on yet. So my first question will be when can I hear the heartbeat again--ultrasound, Doppler, I don't care. I know, I know, irrational, but there you have it. Oh, the joys of being on the cusp of 40 and pregnant for the first time...knowing full well all that can go wrong...

*sigh*

Biting the bullet

• I am eight weeks and one day today, and I'm thrilled! Every day is a victory, every week a celebration. Sundays are great days because it's another week down. And the best part? I feel pretty damn good these days. NO morning sickness, really, except for rare twinges of slight nausea that I've decided don't even count. Thankfully I still "feel" pregnant, though...the boobs are definitely hurting, especially in the morning when I get up. And I'm still occasionally feeling slight cramping now and then, probably due to stretching. NO spotting, and I hope it stays that way. Oh, and unfortunately for my waistline, my appetite isn't suffering at ALL. Seriously. Everything sounds good to me, and my appetite is pretty much insatiable. I have dreams about food. It's crazy. I'm trying to keep this minor weight gain in perspective, which is hard. For the most part things are still fitting as usual, but I seem to have a little more of a "belly" these days. I really need to drink more water. A LOT more water, in all honesty. I've never been much of a water-drinker.
  

• I'm considering my summer over with on August tenth, when I take a two-day class followed by our teacher days which start on August 12th. Kids start on the eighteenth. I'm actually pretty excited to get things rolling and have other things to focus/fixate on besides this pregnancy. Summer school ends this Wednesday, so I'm planning on working in my classroom starting on Thursday.

• My next OB appointment is on August fifth, and I'm looking forward to hopefully an easy appointment that will reassure me that things are on track.

• In my heart of hearts I'm feeling increasing guilt that I don't have a father for my child (not yet, anyway). I feel nervous about those first few months after the birth. I feel insecure about the sincerity of my parents' (and others') excitement about this pregnancy. I guess I'm just kind of feeling pretty judged these days. Regrets? No, not really...but I'm even kind of questioning that these days. Hopefully it's that the hormones are magnifying these thoughts inside my pea brain. I'm hoping.
  

Sobfest! (UPDATED)

UPDATE: I just discovered that embedding was disabled by the request of the couple, I'm sure, but please follow the link and watch it on YouTube. It's worth a look.

So how much of a nerd am I, you ask? Oh, you're about to find out...I'm sure it must have something to do with being hormonal. But I just watched this video again and I'm still bawling just as much as the first time, especially when the groom and then the bride make their entrance: talk about absolute JOY! They're just celebrating the hell out of what is meant to be happiest day of their lives, and it shows. I wish everyone could be so lucky as to enjoy a day like that! Maybe there's also a part of me that is sad that I might never experience a celebration like that (but I still have hope!). Thanks to Melissa for hooking me up with this video!

Well, I had a great mini-vacation in Minnesota, and now (thankfully) my entire immediate family knows my big news! It went as well as I could hope for, which was a huge relief. It was a really meaningful moment for me, so as my parents opened their little packages simultaneously, I got all weepy and I'm sure they were wondering what on earth was going on! My mother held up the little frame to the light at the window and said, "Is this what I THINK it is?" and she was just really amazed and pleased, as was my dad, too. She remarked to my aunt a little later that she "just got the biggest news of her LIFE!" At dinner a bit later my aunt and uncle toasted to "the two new grandparents at the table"...it was sweet. And I also called both of my brothers to tell them, and I think they were shocked more than anything else, but also happy for me. So now I have tentative plans to travel back home to upstate New York for Thanksgiving, when I get to go through boxes of baby clothes and pick out what I want. I'll most likely know the gender by then. Mom's been saving them for me for years, which is kinda special considering that I'm the only daughter in the family, so it's a cool privilege. Not that I'll necessarily end up using all of them, but the fact that she's been saving them just for this occasion really warms my heart.

Off to the MN in the am...

for our family reunion, AND to let my parents know they're gonna get to be grandparents!! I don't know whether I'm more nervous or excited. After all, I didn't tell my mom the *whole* truth when she asked about the results of my latest iui--because I so wanted to tell her in person--and I'm worried that she'll be angry. Both my parents will no doubt be worried long-term about my single parenthood followed by my finances, in that order. Childcare ain't cheap. But I think they'll still be excited about all it will entail. :) I will report back on how the Big Reveal went! The little framed ultrasound pictures are wrapped and packed, so I'm as ready as I'll ever be...

The heart of the matter

Well, I think I've figured it out: part of the reason, at least, for all that fear I was feeling last week. And interestingly enough, it was the book I finished a few days ago that really seemed to clue me in. I've been reading Choosing You: Deciding to Have a Baby On My Own by Alexandra Soiseth, and as soon as I got it from the library I couldn't put it down. Her journey mirrors mine in a lot of ways, though of course there are some key differences as well, which I won't go into here. One paragraph in particular stopped me cold. I think it was about three am (like I said, I couldn't put it down) and as soon as I read this particular paragraph, much to my surprise I began to cry and couldn't catch my breath. I've thought about it ever since and now I feel I am at peace with things. But here is the heart of the matter: over the past two weeks or so I've been thinking a lot about the idea that I haven't "followed the rules" in terms of starting my family, and I've been questioning whether things could actually work out for me in terms of this pregnancy. Here is the paragraph that affected me so strongly:

"I guess I actually think, deep down, that I don't deserve to be pregnant. I'm trying to fast-track myself somewhere I'm not suppposed to go. If you can't get a man, you can't have a family. End of story."

At the time it really struck a chord, but thankfully I think I've worked through it. At last I can envision this pregnancy going to term regardless of how I got here, and a lot of the worry seems to have lifted. It's not completely gone, of course, but I feel like I can breathe a little easier now.

Can't find my zen happy place.

I don't know how other preggers women do it...the worry and anxiety I'm feeling right now is unreal. I'm 6w4d, and I feel like 12 weeks is *never* gonna get here. I think I've come to the conclusion that the Internet is NOT my friend because I've been treating it like a lifeline and all it does is tell me more stories of women who have lost their babies at 7, 8, 10 weeks. I feel like I should just *expect* to miscarry because the odds are stacked against me anyways. The pessimist in me has reared her ugly head and keeps asking, "Why should YOU get a healthy baby? What makes you think YOU deserve it?" Which then takes me to why no one has ever wanted/asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and all sorts of other dark places. I think part of the problem is that right now I don't have much to distract me (i.e. off for the summer, no job to go to yet) and once school starts, it'll get easier. I'm hoping, anyway. So I'm resolving to spend less time on the pregnancy message boards and more time focusing on what I want to get done before August twelfth, when we start all those teacher work days before school starts for real on August 18th.

And don't get me started on what this upcoming school year may hold for all of us...due to a nearby school closure, our school is expected to increase from 750 middle schoolers to 1100. Where we're gonna put 'em all, I have no clue. And the biggest group is eighth graders, oh joy. Thank goodness I can live in my happy little bubble of eager-to-please sixth graders who are still pretty much a joy to be around, until Christmas, anyway. :) I still work with a ton of amazing people whom I truly adore, but we also lost a lot of staff members who pretty much freaked out over not knowing what this school year may look like, and went elsewhere. To me in my current state of mind it feels like a huge black hole of scary unknown stuff. I really need to snap out of it, but I don't. know. how.