She's smiling 'cause she's...

...all better! K's blocked tear duct (in her left eye) has opened all by itself, and I am SO glad we won't need to keep our appointment with the opthalmologist tomorrow! Her eye looks better than it has even since she was born, and I couldn't be happier. It didn't seem to be bothering her much--she didn't seem to rub it very often--but we did go through SO many eyedrops battling the eye infections that resulted. No more refills, yay!



Here is my grandmother, MorMor (grandmother in Swedish), with her four great-grands:
(from top left, Will, 4, Robbie, 8, K asleep on MorMor's lap, and Geneva, 18 months)


And here's one of just K and MorMor:

The end is nigh.

And I don't know quite what to think about it. I've had to feed K formula more and more often while we're together (she's been getting formula at daycare for a little while now) since my milk supply doesn't seem to be satisfying her as much anymore. She'll nurse, start to fuss and get all distracted, decide she's done, and continue to fuss, purportedly because she's still hungry. At least, that's how I've been interpreting her behavior. So I'll fix her a bottle of formula and she'll wolf it down. While we've both been sick, I decided that it was much more worth it to me to take the verboten cold medicine so I could feel halfway human and take care of her effectively, and feed her the formula so I could do so. But this shift has been taking place for at least a few weeks now, so I know it's not just the sick thing. We definitely still snuggle while she drinks from her bottle, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on that aspect. And I've definitely been nursing her if/when she wakes up at five am to nurse, which completely makes sense because she doesn't really need a full meal at that point. I'd actually like to continue those early morning nursing sessions, even though there are several nights per week when she sleeps all the way through. I gave up on the pumping at work fiasco, because there just doesn't seem to be time for that in my typical uber-busy day at the middle school where I teach. And you know? I honestly don't feel guilty for not wanting to pump around the clock. I just don't have it in me. No pun intended. This little girl is growing like a weed, in the 95th percentile for height and the 40th for weight, and she's definitely a lot more active now than she's ever been. So it definitely follows that she's wanting more sustenance. But then again, I nursed all the way to six and a half months, so that's something, too. She's doing very well with solids, though she's not quite at the point of eating solids three times per day. I've read in several places that one's milk supply naturally goes down after a baby starts solids. I think I'm feeling kind of okay about stopping the nursing and switching to formula only. Except for the cost...that's no fun at all. I mean, it's fine, really, but FREE is so much better.

Thanks for listening to all my ramblings about this nursing issue! It all helps me to sort it out in my little brain. :)

In other news, it looks like we're moving! Around November first. Into a great townhouse that's easily more than twice as big as my current house, a 1914 cottage that is high on charm and low on amenities, definitely super-low on space and closet space in particular. Not looking forward to moving as a single mom with a little one in tow, but I know it's doable. A lot of work, but definitely doable. Stay tuned.

Down for the count.

Yep, we're sick. Both of us. I had a feeling it might happen soon, considering how many new germs we're both exposed to at the start of a new school year (and daycare year)! I think I caught my bug from K, but she's the one I'm more worried about right now.

I've been battling an upper respiratory thing and now, a cough, yet she's only had the sniffles and a slight cough last week. But last night she spiked a fever, and it was back again today. This afternoon around 4:00, her fever spiked all the way up to 102.9, which really freaked me out. She's never had a fever that high. But I immediately gave her the correct dosage of infant Tylenol, and it started to come down about a half hour later. I also have infant ibuprofen, but I'm a bit nervous because I've never given that to her before, though apparently it's okay now that she's over six months old. I might try it for her next dosage, which will be in about an hour. I called her pediatrician after the high fever, and the nurse gave me some very sound advice, as well as a 10:45 am appointment tomorrow morning, just to be safe. It's reassuring. I doubt she has an ear infection, but it's great to get her checked out nonetheless. My cold has knocked me flat, so I'm not surprised in the least that she had such a high fever. Goes to show that her body is fighting something.

I'll be so glad when we're both back to normal.

Weird.

The strangest thing just happened to me...tonight I was trading out my summer clothes and putting away the fall and winter ones when I stumbled upon the pair of pajamas I brought with me to the hospital back in March, when I gave birth to K. As soon as I looked at them, the biggest wave of...emotion crashed over me. It was so visceral--I literally had to cover the jammies up with other clothing to stop the intense discomfort I was feeling at that moment. It actually took my breath away. I'm still trying to figure out exactly which emotions I was feeling...fear and anger and intense sadness over the emergency c-section and not being able to hear K's first cry or see her and touch her in those moments right after her birth (wow, this brings me to tears just writing about it), the intense fear I felt as they were wheeling me into the OR and especially as they were forcing the mask (for general anesthesia) over my mouth and nose, my frustration now that my memories of those first moments when they put her in my arms are so fuzzy and hard to recall, and even my sadness over how completely crappy I felt--nauseous and dizzy and unable to raise the back of my hospital bed above a certain point--during K's first day of life. Wow, that sentence really shows how jumbled and overlapping all those emotions still are. And they washed right over me as soon as I laid eyes on those pajamas. I don't think I've ever experienced so many emotions attached to one unsuspecting object...I so did NOT expect that reaction. Kind of like being hit by a train. I honestly thought I had dealt with and resolved my feelings about K's birth...apparently not. Wonder what I should do now.

I need a twelve-step program. No, really.

I'm kind of scaring myself lately. I've been told I have an "addictive" personality, and lately I'm starting to believe it. I think I might be addicted to a) shopping for and buying cute baby girl clothes and b) scouring eBay looking for all things Sasha. Sasha dolls are an amazing (IMHO) series of dolls started by Sasha Morgenthaler in Germany in the '60s. My preferred era of the dolls, however, is the '80s, mainly because I'm an '80s child and that's when I fell in love with Sasha dolls when I was a kid. There was this incredible doll- and toy shop in the local mall, and I distinctly recall gazing at these Sasha dolls that were displayed in a huge glass case, particularly the limited-edition Sasha Kiltie, a beautiful redhead with real human hair that wore a pleated dress of black watch plaid, dark tights and black shoes. Sasha dolls' expressions are so wistful and lifelike, and they do (in my eyes) have a very European look to them. I honestly can't get enough. It's baaaad.

Exhibit A, which includes not only the stunning Sasha baby I recently purchased on eBay for K, but the absolutely beautiful doll-sized bed, also purchased on eBay, complete with the softest flannel bedding I have ever laid a hand on:


And don't even get me started on the adorable baby girl clothes I've found recently on clearance. I seriously think I have K's summer wardrobe just about complete, in 18 month sizes. I don't think I've spent all that much, really, not when I've been refusing to spend more than, say, six bucks per item. I've found the most amazing summer clothes, including dresses, for less than five--and even four--dollars apiece. I think my favorite brand of all time is OshKosh Genuine Baby, found at Target. I also am liking the Cherokee brand more and more these days. I must confess, I actually started buying long-sleeved things in nine- and twelve-month sizes back when she was teeny-tiny, and no regrets there. I am admittedly a bargain shopper who makes a beeline for the clearance racks every time, and wow, have I found some absolute treasures. Kohl's is another favorite store, and they carry a ridiculously overpriced brand called Chaps. I found some incredible fall Chaps items that I absolutely LOVE at over fifty percent off (yes, I'm very proud of that fact). My girl's gonna be stylin' come fall!

But seriously? I have to stop looking at the Target website. And shopping at Target stores. And all Kohl's stores, too. The problem is that I do shop at Target for other things too, necessary things like Target diapers, which I love. And some days, I can't seem to physically pull myself away from those clearance racks. Just looking, at least. Gives a whole new spin on retail therapy when you're not exactly shopping for yourself.

So...yeah. If anyone finds a twelve-step program for compulsive adorable-baby-girl-clothes shopping, please let me know. I'd be forever grateful. ;P

Six months!

Happy half-birthday, sweet girl! She turned six months old this past Tuesday, and I admit it, I was feeling rather sentimental all day. Not so much about her turning six months old, but thinking back to that momentous day six months earlier when my life changed so dramatically. I was wishing that I could remember that moment when the nurses handed her to me for the first time in more detail...I was still so groggy from the general anesthesia that my memories are quite foggy. I do remember seeing her little pink self as they wheeled me past the nursery--she was SO pink. But there's a lot that I still have to struggle to remember, which is very bittersweet for me. But the end result is still so miraculous...a healthy, happy, thriving baby girl who is the center of my universe. :)



She is now rolling over in both directions (she rolled from back to tummy first, which surprised me), sitting up with only a little bit of assistance, she LOOVES to stand and practice stepping whenever possible, and she smiles and laughs all the time. I'm pretty sure the teething process has begun, considering how fussy she's been lately, and we're still battling one blocked tear duct. We have an appointment with an opthalmologist on September 23rd, and at that point he and I will decide what to do next, with a quick outpatient procedure to open up the tear duct being a distinct possibility. I keep using warm compresses and massage at home to try and open it up, which is what happened with her other eye, now perfectly okay. But so far, no go. She really seems to want to crawl...she's scooting herself around using her arms and legs--not moving very fast or anything, but still.

We're experimenting more and more with solids: so far we're up to rice cereal or oat cereal every morning and meat most nights at dinnertime (for the iron). I added pears this morning, which she seemed to like, and we'll add a vegetable on Tuesday. Not sure yet what we'll start with, probably squash or sweet potatoes. I'm following the "only add a new food every three days" rule to watch for allergies. I also have barley cereal which we'll add soon as well. I did have to give in to formula while she's at daycare because I simply was not able to pump as much as I needed to each day...I went through my frozen stash incredibly fast, unfortunately. But when we're together I still breastfeed. Not sure how long that will last, considering that I'm not pumping while I'm at work, either...there's just not that much time for it. I'll just nurse as long as I can, I guess. :(

Daycare is going very well, now that I've gotten used to it...the daycare center she goes to has really grown on me, the more I've found out about how things are done there. It's a bit pricier than the home situations I checked out, but I'm happy with the one I finally chose, and truth be told, K is all smiles when we get there every morning. I've also seen a few of the candid photos they've taken of the kids, and K is smiling broadly in all the ones she's in. I do get the sense she's happy there, which means so much to me. And I really like the women who take care of her as well as how things run there.

I am SO looking forward to the next few months to see what she'll learn how to do next! So many changes in store...it's so exciting!!

So much to say...

...that I don't even know where to start! Whenever I contemplate writing a new post, I've been freezing up because it's been SO! LONG! since I last posted. Lots to tell, and like I said, I don't know where to start.

So I think I'll start with a photo essay of sorts, entitled "Cereal!"

But not till I send out HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to the many dear women who are currently pregnant! Not limited to four IRL friends of mine, Jenni, a wonderful SMC-to-be, Shiloh, who is now three months along after having endured a loss last fall, Amanda, pregnant with a girl after their first, a boy, was born three years ago, and Amy, who is pregnant with twins (and she and her husband have decided to NOT find out their genders until they make their appearance!). SO many prospective SMC's are pregnant as well--congrats to all of you! You won't regret it!!

Back to the featured photo essay:

Here she is, warming up with one of her new spoons, of course...



[drum roll please] The first spoonful...


Ooooh, not so sure about this stuff...


Hmm, maybe it's not so bad after all. Might I have a little more?


Here we go again...


So this is that spoon-thing I keep hearing about!


And the verdict is in: YUMMY! (or at least worth another taste or two tomorrow)


How I absolutely love that gleeful smile! Her whole face--no, make that her whole body--lights up with a smile that big. When she wakes up in her co-sleeper and sees me, she grins, kicks her little legs and waves her little arms just like she's dancing. How can you be in a bad mood when you get to wake up to that?!

And yes, we're still struggling with a blocked tear duct in her left eye. That's why it looks so red in the pictures. I just got a referral for her to see an opthalmologist about it, but I keep hoping that it will resolve itself (like her right eye did) on its own, with the help of warm compresses, massage, and eyedrops to eradicate the infections that keep reappearing.

Her latest stats: height, 95th percentile (that's my girl!), weight, 38th percentile (just short of fifteen pounds), and head circumference, 61st percentile. I don't know about that 38th percentile...I don't know how they figure these things, but she doesn't look below average to me at all.

K turns six months on September second. I can't even wrap my brain around it. We only started rice cereal a week or so ago, so we're moving on to oat cereal and barley cereal this week and next. Interestingly enough, the pediatrician recommended (also) starting with meat for the iron, since she's been breastfed exclusively. I just can't envision cooking and pureeing meat finely enough for her, so tonight I did buy some of the prepared meats from the baby aisle in the grocery store. I do want to make vegetables and fruits for her, though, and freeze them in ice cube trays. A weekend project, I'm sure. What I'm stressed out about now, though, is the idea of feeding her cereal in the mornings...I'm so not a morning person, and I'd prefer not to rush her in any way if at all possible. So I might just give in and buy a little of the prepared cereals, too. I don't know. Things feel crazy enough in the mornings without adding baby cereal to the mix. I'm also feeling down about the fact that I just can't keep up with all the pumping each day. She's taking about sixteen to twenty ounces of breastmilk on any given workday, and I simply am not able to pump that much each day in addition to nursing her full time. I have now officially burned through the stash in my freezer, having gone back to a new school year only about two weeks ago. And I paid quite a bit to ship the frozen stash back to Colorado from New York via overnight FedEx, on dry ice no less. Was it worth it? Not sure, considering how quickly I went through it. So...it looks like I'll be doing formula at daycare and still nursing her when we're together. As long as I can, anyway. I still plan to pump while I'm at school, and either send one or maybe two bottles with her to daycare each day, or simply feed it to her when we're at home. I'm trying NOT to be sad about it, but I fear that my supply is going to dwindle anyway, what with starting solids and being back at work.

Our trip to Virginia and Tennessee went really well. She was such a trooper (trouper? sp?) when we flew. I, however, didn't do so well whenever we'd go through what I considered to be terrible turbulence. K sat on my lap since I didn't buy a separate seat for her, and even though she did wonderfully, whenever there was turbulence, I'd wrap my arms around her that much tighter and shut my eyes. Let's just say, a lot of prayers were said. My Uncle Paul's memorial service was absolutely beautiful, and I'm so glad I was able to be there. Jon's wedding a week later was also wonderful. When they had the "official" mother-son dance, though, I got really emotional thinking about how unfair it was that Uncle Paul wasn't there, and also when the four adorable flower girls were dancing with a couple of adult family members up on the stage...I felt overwhelmed that now I have this beautiful little girl to raise, and I feel SO LUCKY.
But I was SO ready to come home and resume my life here, even though it meant returning to work and daycare and hectic days.

Right now K is enrolled at a church-based daycare and I'm not convinced that it's the best fit. She's definitely well taken care of, but there are a total of nine babies there, and I often feel like just another number when I bring her in each morning. I know they take great care of all her physical needs, feeding, changing diapers, keeping her safe, but I'm not sure about how much attention she actually receives. Does anyone actually PLAY with her? Interact with her beyond said physical needs? I'm not convinced. Plus it's on the expensive side. And if I'm spending extra every week to have her there, I want some sort of return for the additional money I'm putting out. I think we need to find a place with fewer kids and a more individualized approach.

I think I'll end this *novel* with a few more pictures from this summer...there is more to say, but I'm tired and off to bed.


New Bumbo, new jammies (no feet!)...