Clarity (closer to it, anyway)

• I think I've pinpointed the distinction between expectations and hopes. I had hopes that my parents would acknowledge the fact that it was a milestone birthday for me, and I was/am sad that my hopes didn't pan out. But it is what it is, as they say. I'll get over it.
  

• I have concluded that because this is the first grandchild, my parents don't really know what my hopes are. Will I actually articulate them? Probably not...instead I will accept whatever they want to do and just know that it's okay. I should be glad that my girl will have doting grandparents at all, and I do know for a fact that they will definitely want to see her, spend time with her, and cultivate a relationship with her.

• I have also concluded that if I need some space right now, it's okay. I'll get back into contact when I'm ready. (I know a lot of my sensitivity right now has to do with hormones, and this too shall pass.)
  

• I need to remember the saying that "friends are the family you choose", and this couldn't be more true. I am extremely thankful for my very supportive circle of friends and my amazing supportive family here in Colorado...they're so precious to me and I am so lucky to have them!

• I am still trying to come to terms with the lack of a relationship with my youngest brother and his wife, who live out near Minneapolis. Simply put, they do not really communicate with any of us. "We're busy," they say. And when we do see them, it's only because we have made all the arrangements and the effort to see them. They don't call, they don't e-mail, they don't acknowledge birthdays, they don't even return calls until much later. Clearly they have chosen a different "family" than ours. And I guess I just have to accept it. I have to accept the fact that my daughter will not have much of a relationship with this aunt and uncle, and not because I don't want her to. It's hard, but like I said, it's something that I have to accept. They always offer to host Christmas out there, primarily because they have a dog and five cats, and they don't like leaving them to travel or having someone come in to take care of them. So I am left with the decision of whether to go out there for Christmas, where my parents and middle brother will be, or spend Christmas here, with my Colorado family. Flying out to Minnesota isn't cheap, so I have to decide whether I want to spend that kind of money. Two or three years ago, during one Christmas get-together, my youngest brother and I had a pretty big fight and didn't talk for a while...he made it very clear that he is not very fond of my parents or the way they raised him, and I had a hard time with that. I'm not sure whether things are one hundred percent resolved between us, even now.

• In a sense I am definitely not looking forward to the holidays this year. I'm very aware that these holidays represent an end of a chapter for me, and to me that's pretty huge. I really have to think about how I want to spend them and with whom. I can't explain it, but whenever I think about the holidays this year, I just get sad. I think it's because I know I should be happy about spending them with my immediate family, and I'm just not. And at the very same time, I'm sad about not feeling like I have the relationship I used to have with them. I'm sad about NOT wanting to spend the holidays with them.

• I'm very thankful for having a place to air these innermost feelings. I've always thought that writing can be cathartic, and this blog is no exception. :)

• I'm *extremely* thankful for all of the thoughtful and supportive comments and encouragement on my last post...it helps so much to know I'm not the only one who has to deal with stuff like this. I felt so much better (yes, a few tears were shed) after reading all of your sincere comments...BIG thanks to Samantha, Genkicat, loveyoualready, Jo and Jennifer!! Your responses meant more to me than you know. :)