Life is absolutely amazing with a little one! I know, what an obvious statement, but it's just now sinking in. A lot has been sinking in lately...including a small meltdown in the shower this morning (I know, crazy, right?) when I heard the song "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister on the radio. I have NO idea why that song always seems to affect me so strongly...perhaps it's because it dates back to my high school days, who knows. I love the song, I really do. Today it made me think about how imperfect I feel and how perfect I wish I were for my daughter. I hate the fact that I still have things I need to work on in my life, and I love her SO MUCH, and I want to be better, to learn how to be better...for her.
Something else that has sunk in recently is what kind of a special, amazing love it is between mother and daughter...I've never known this kind of love, and I feel so lucky to get to experience it. You can't really put words to it. On a related note, I've decided that I can't watch Law & Order anymore...so much of it seems to involve parent-child relationships, and it's often hard to watch, especially now that I have a better understanding of the love between parents and children. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love watching Law & Order reruns, including ALL of the franchises: C & I, SVU, and the original, of course. But it's like, aha, now I get it. And sometimes it just makes me bawl. Yeah, I know. What can I say, I'm a total sap.
Yet another thing that has sunk in lately is how scary it is to have this perfect little person depending on me...just me. This is by far the worst part of single parenting--I can deal with taking care of all of her needs by myself on a daily basis (not saying it's easy, but it's do-able). But there is this deep-down fear of what if something happens to me, what if I'm not enough of a parent to serve as both a mom and a dad, what if something is wrong with her medically-speaking that I end up missing somehow...she completely depends on me for everything, and I want to give her the world. Of course I'll do the best I can, but what if my best isn't enough? Yep...like I said, scary. But we'll get through somehow.
I had an awesome time at my postpartum appointment last Friday! The best part was how excited everyone was to meet this little girl...it sounds trite, but it really felt like the staff was like a family, and they were SO thrilled to finally meet her! Everyone from the u/s tech, my favorite nurse practitioner, the nurses, and a few receptionists whom I dealt with the most often. They really seemed to want to see each pregnancy through...to finally see the end result after working with the patient over the course of nearly ten months. I also got my questions answered, and they really put my mind at ease: my placental abruption was only 20 percent, and my OB felt that it probably happened right before delivery. My life was never in danger, and neither was K's...if they had not acted when they did and made the decision to do an emergency c-section when they did, her life might have been in danger in another twenty minutes or so. But they did need to act quickly, and I'm so glad they did. (goes without saying) My OB did show me what was in the pathology report, and none of it seemed to surprise him, which is good. I did get the chance to thank him, both in person and in a card that the receptionists put on his desk for him, and he very warmly told me that I didn't need to thank him, that it's his job, and he's just glad it all had a great outcome for me.
Here are a few pictures of my sweet girl...
Her first bath at home (about a week and a few days old):
(I love how skeptical she looks in the last pic!)
Posing (and yawning) next to the flowers my cousin sent us...
And here she is at 3 weeks (and 8 lbs, up from 6 lbs 1 oz two weeks ago):
(She looks so serious here! Napping is serious business, I guess!)