Friday, September 10, 2010
Weird.
The strangest thing just happened to me...tonight I was trading out my summer clothes and putting away the fall and winter ones when I stumbled upon the pair of pajamas I brought with me to the hospital back in March, when I gave birth to K. As soon as I looked at them, the biggest wave of...emotion crashed over me. It was so visceral--I literally had to cover the jammies up with other clothing to stop the intense discomfort I was feeling at that moment. It actually took my breath away. I'm still trying to figure out exactly which emotions I was feeling...fear and anger and intense sadness over the emergency c-section and not being able to hear K's first cry or see her and touch her in those moments right after her birth (wow, this brings me to tears just writing about it), the intense fear I felt as they were wheeling me into the OR and especially as they were forcing the mask (for general anesthesia) over my mouth and nose, my frustration now that my memories of those first moments when they put her in my arms are so fuzzy and hard to recall, and even my sadness over how completely crappy I felt--nauseous and dizzy and unable to raise the back of my hospital bed above a certain point--during K's first day of life. Wow, that sentence really shows how jumbled and overlapping all those emotions still are. And they washed right over me as soon as I laid eyes on those pajamas. I don't think I've ever experienced so many emotions attached to one unsuspecting object...I so did NOT expect that reaction. Kind of like being hit by a train. I honestly thought I had dealt with and resolved my feelings about K's birth...apparently not. Wonder what I should do now.
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Oh Heather...I can't even imagine how you must be feeling...it seems the pjs brought everything up to the surface for you. I hope you'll be able to come to terms...big hug.
ReplyDeleteHi. Wow. I have no idea what you should do now. Maybe nothing - it is what it is? Maybe talk to a professional about it? Not sure. But I do think putting it out there and acknowledging your feelings is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry that K's birth was not what you had hoped for.
I recently wrote a post of how my wee one's birth didn't go how I was expecting. It was very cathartic for me, and it helped me to process some of it.
ReplyDeleteI think you do a little at a time.
For me it was a song that had been on my phone when I was in the hospital. I had put it on shuffle one day cleaning the house and when that song came on, my guts twisted. I deleted the song immediately.
Thanks for sharing. I don't know the right words because i have not been there - I can only imagine. But thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not expert but it seems to me that you've already taken the first step by acknowledging these feelings. They did not allow me to hold my son after my vaginal delivery--his apgar was 2 and they rushed him away. It was AWFUL. Not at all the warm precious memories many moms have. He turned out to be perfectly fine, but I wonder how those hours apart affected our bonding. Makes me sad, too, when I think back.
ReplyDeleteI think you should keep talking/writing about it--- anything to get it out. What you went through was a very traumatic experience - and nothing could have prepared you for it. Thankfully, K is a very healthy baby girl. Loving her as much as you do, and knowing how close it was to a different outcome---any memory of those moments is bound to bring up those emotions.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, every day you move farther away from it. It didn't go as planned and you will never forget it, but your memories will now be filled with moments of K as she grows.
ps: if you haven't already, I'd throw out the pajamas!
Hi Heather, what a shock that must have been to have everything hit you like that, just from your PJ's. It sounds like a form of PTSD. I can relate a little bit. I once witnessed a man on the road just after he'd been hit by a snow plow - we were the first on the scene. He later passed away.
ReplyDeleteOne year later I was passing by the same place on the same kind of cold night and it came FLOODING back to me, right down to the smell. It was horrible, and completely unexpected.
I agree you should continue to talk/write about it (maybe even write a letter to K) and continue to work through the mixed emotions you have around K's birth.
Wishing you all the best!