I just have to get this out. Because right now it's pretty much simmering inside my brain, and I'm sad, and I'm alone (except for my little one, who is sound asleep, and this time she doesn't count since she's not an adult who might "get it"). I'm not really open to very many people about my T42 status, either, so here I sit, feeling very sad. Since it's my blog, I'm going to get it all down "on paper" and hopefully I'll feel a little better.
I just want to get into the game. I want to get into the game and see what happens. And now I have to wait another looooong month till I can try again. My RE told me last Thursday that unfortunately they're closed over the long Labor Day weekend, yet I discovered that his website specifically states that someone is always available on weekends and holidays for scheduled needs such as inseminations. So why don't I qualify? Is it because I'm single? Because I'm "only" doing iui and not IVF, a much more expensive procedure? An iui is such a quick thing, too...after the thaw, which usually only takes twenty minutes or so, it's only a few minutes and it's done. Not like my RE would have to give up an afternoon or something. So I did my OPK's this weekend and I'm quite sure I've completely missed the window. Not even a second line today, and based on my follicle measurements last Thursday, one follicle was probably 24mm today and the other 19mm. Unless they grew faster because of the Fem.ara. So most likely I've ovulated by now. And I'm not thrilled about paying my RE another fifty bucks tomorrow just to have him tell me "Sorry, it's too late." So I don't think I will. Up until now I'd considered calling in the morning to make an appointment for an ultrasound, but now I don't think so.
I fully realize that my feelings and reaction to this turn of events are purely emotional. Truth be told, I'm both angry and hurt that they wouldn't consider doing an iui for me over the weekend. I'm especially angry about missing out on the good timing this try might have afforded me, a delivery in early summer that would have allowed me to stay home with a prospective baby for most of the summer without maternity leave considerations. I can and will try again next month, this I know. But missing this cycle was so completely avoidable, not my fault at all, and the truth is, I didn't get at all what I wanted this month from my fertility clinic: I wanted to do a trigger shot and I especially wanted--obviously--to do an insemination. I took my meds faithfully between days 3 and 7, to no avail. Luckily they cost almost nothing thanks to my insurance. I seriously considered all weekend switching RE's, and I might still do that. I just feel like he wasn't there when I needed him, like any other TTC'ing SMC, and who's to say it won't happen again? My cycles won't coincide with any other holidays over the next few months, thankfully. But what if I need to inseminate on a weekend and he won't do it? I just think it's really crappy. Today I decided, just so I feel at least a little proactive about this whole thing, to call around and see who else in my town does iui's. I know I'll get over this disappointment, but right now it just...hurts.
To my surprise, I'm sadder than I expected. I just really want to get pregnant again. I just want to at least get into the damn game and not be sitting on the sidelines. I guess there's one silver lining, at least--I now know that I truly want to have another baby. I'm not sitting on the fence anymore. And just writing all this out, I do feel a little bit better. As my mom always likes to say, tomorrow is another day. And I'd add, October is another month. Less than a full month away. I kind of want to tell my RE a little about how frustrated I feel about the discrepancy between the availability stated on his website and how it played out for me, but I'm not sure how I would phrase it. Right now I'm pretty angry with him. I guess time will tell.