Just Us Girls

Just Us Girls

...one SMC's adventures in single motherhood.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Disappointment.

I just have to get this out. Because right now it's pretty much simmering inside my brain, and I'm sad, and I'm alone (except for my little one, who is sound asleep, and this time she doesn't count since she's not an adult who might "get it"). I'm not really open to very many people about my T42 status, either, so here I sit, feeling very sad. Since it's my blog, I'm going to get it all down "on paper" and hopefully I'll feel a little better.

I just want to get into the game. I want to get into the game and see what happens. And now I have to wait another looooong month till I can try again. My RE told me last Thursday that unfortunately they're closed over the long Labor Day weekend, yet I discovered that his website specifically states that someone is always available on weekends and holidays for scheduled needs such as inseminations. So why don't I qualify? Is it because I'm single? Because I'm "only" doing iui and not IVF, a much more expensive procedure? An iui is such a quick thing, too...after the thaw, which usually only takes twenty minutes or so, it's only a few minutes and it's done. Not like my RE would have to give up an afternoon or something. So I did my OPK's this weekend and I'm quite sure I've completely missed the window. Not even a second line today, and based on my follicle measurements last Thursday, one follicle was probably 24mm today and the other 19mm. Unless they grew faster because of the Fem.ara. So most likely I've ovulated by now. And I'm not thrilled about paying my RE another fifty bucks tomorrow just to have him tell me "Sorry, it's too late." So I don't think I will. Up until now I'd considered calling in the morning to make an appointment for an ultrasound, but now I don't think so.

I fully realize that my feelings and reaction to this turn of events are purely emotional. Truth be told, I'm both angry and hurt that they wouldn't consider doing an iui for me over the weekend. I'm especially angry about missing out on the good timing this try might have afforded me, a delivery in early summer that would have allowed me to stay home with a prospective baby for most of the summer without maternity leave considerations. I can and will try again next month, this I know. But missing this cycle was so completely avoidable, not my fault at all, and the truth is, I didn't get at all what I wanted this month from my fertility clinic: I wanted to do a trigger shot and I especially wanted--obviously--to do an insemination. I took my meds faithfully between days 3 and 7, to no avail. Luckily they cost almost nothing thanks to my insurance. I seriously considered all weekend switching RE's, and I might still do that. I just feel like he wasn't there when I needed him, like any other TTC'ing SMC, and who's to say it won't happen again? My cycles won't coincide with any other holidays over the next few months, thankfully. But what if I need to inseminate on a weekend and he won't do it? I just think it's really crappy. Today I decided, just so I feel at least a little proactive about this whole thing, to call around and see who else in my town does iui's. I know I'll get over this disappointment, but right now it just...hurts.

To my surprise, I'm sadder than I expected. I just really want to get pregnant again. I just want to at least get into the damn game and not be sitting on the sidelines. I guess there's one silver lining, at least--I now know that I truly want to have another baby. I'm not sitting on the fence anymore. And just writing all this out, I do feel a little bit better. As my mom always likes to say, tomorrow is another day. And I'd add, October is another month. Less than a full month away. I kind of want to tell my RE a little about how frustrated I feel about the discrepancy between the availability stated on his website and how it played out for me, but I'm not sure how I would phrase it. Right now I'm pretty angry with him. I guess time will tell.

8 comments:

  1. I am MAD as Hell just hearing this. That is false advertising. Please do look for someplace else - you deserve it!

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  2. Oh, Heather, I'm so sorry it turned out this way this month. I am angry at your RE for you! I realize it's easy for me to say, but I would definitely tell him how you feel. Even if you have to put it in an email to his office manager. Do you have a choice for doctors in your area? Finding one that was super supportive made ALL the difference in my journey.
    The only positive is that now you know how you really feel about T42. It will happen and it will be worth the wait but yes, this weekend's situation was avoidably disappointing. I get it. Even if your RE doesn't.

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  3. I am sorry!!! Disappointment sucks. I think you should ask them why they say there are open on Holidays? Just because you are not paying 15k for IVF doesn't mean you should get any less service.

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  4. I'm sorry you're having to feel this disappointment. It sounds as the you deserve an explanation from your RE at the very least.

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  5. I feel bad that you are feeling so bad. What I would do is ask them. Call them and tell them what you saw on the website and ask them why you weren't given the option. Whatever the answer, it might be a resolution - be it the answer you suspect and then you get to say why? - or another explanation, you can have some resolution. And maybe feel a little bit better. As for the OPKs, did you take them all weekend and no lines yet? If so, I would take another one tomorrow and see what happens. You never know. And if this does go out to October, you are the patient and you (or your insurance) is paying - I think if you want the trigger shot, you should be able to get it. Unless I'm missing something.

    Good luck. Hugs to you Mama.

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  6. I would totally say something. The timing is so unpredictable and it's completely not cool that they wouldn't be open when you would need them to be. A wasted cycle is a big deal!

    I hope you find a better place for your next one and only IUI!

    (I'm sorry that you're disappointed but I'm secretly happy because it means that we'll now be cycle buddies again. It worked out so great last time for both of us!)

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  7. That IS so disappointing!! Are you going to talk to your RE about the website saying someone is always available??

    also, I had a similar thing happen to me. I took my Fem.era as scheduled, but completely missed my ovulation window. (OPK malfunction) I was so so disappointed and sad. But the very next month, is the month I got pregnant with my little girl. I often think there was a reason I missed that window....

    Here's to a HUGE BFP next month :)

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  8. That just sucks. Here's hoping your next cycle will be the one.

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