Today is better.

As I mentioned in my last post, the way I feel about our mom-and-daughter family being "it" varies by the day, and today is no exception.  I look forward to feeling "done" and feeling good about it, able to look forward to the future and watching my girl grow.  Just for fun, today I was looking in the Craigslist ads at RVs, of all things!  I could totally see a mom-and-daughter RV trip in our future, maybe with one of K's friends along.  I would love to have a pop-up trailer, even though I'm pretty sure our current car wouldn't be sufficient for towing it.  Not one of those huge fifth wheels or anything, just a little trailer.  And don't even get me started on the "tiny house revolution" I keep hearing about!  I LOVE those tiny houses!  And would I realistically be able to envision one with me and TWO kids?!  Highly doubt that.  We are looking forward to skipping town on Wednesday night, heading for NY for my parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary, and one kid is pretty easy.  Two kids, probably a bit more challenging.  So there it is.  Today is better, thank goodness.

I think my friend J might be having a bit of a harder time with being "done"...maybe not...she is currently looking into FET with donor embryos in New Mexico: $450 for the initial visit, they do have embryos "in stock", and the FET is $6500.  But that clinic does require several visits, so if I were to actually consider pursuing it, I'd have to check out the driving distance from Colorado.  And who would watch K?  Plus, the cost of FET at our current clinic is $3000, so it's more than twice as much.  Decisions, decisions.

For today at least, I just want to feel HAPPY.  I have hated waking up lately, because the moment I wake up in the morning, it seems to take a few moments to remember that my FET and second-baby dreams have most likely died, and then it hits me all over again like a ton of bricks.  But then I just have to look at this sweet face, and my spirits start to lift...

I want to blog...I don't want to blog...I want to blog...

For some reason, tonight seems to be the night.  I have a few things bouncing around in my head that I really want to get down on paper...I mean, the screen.  I actually have a lot that I *should* get done, as we're heading out of town to the east coast on Wednesday, but in all honesty I have a lot on my mind.  Strangely enough, I am finding myself pretty much back at the same place I was when I last posted, back in November 2013.  That sounds like such a long time ago!  It really was--my girl wasn't even four yet, and now she's five years and three months old, and headed off to kindergarten in August!  So hard to believe.  She's changed so much!  I'll attach a few pics at the end of this post.

So.  I haven't blogged in a long time.  I think it's because I was pretty profoundly sad about not being able to add to my family, not being able to give my daughter a sibling.  I also feel guilty about feeling sad...the truth is that I am so, so grateful to have my amazing girl, and I *should* be completely happy, perfectly content to be a mom-and-daughter family.  On a lot of days I am.  But it's been a rough week.

I started on a new journey this past March: I found an embryo donor.  (I wasn't actively looking for one; a friend who was actively looking for an embryo donor found her, and things just kind of went from there.)  I also had to find a new clinic, as my former RE retired around Christmastime.  This donor lives in Portland, and she really has an amazing story.  Before she underwent chemotherapy and radiation, she chose to create embryos with donor sperm, which resulted in 26 pre-embryos that weren't quite to the blast stage.  After successfully completing her chemo and radiation therapy, she met someone, and now has a beautiful six-year-old son with him.  So...what to do with the embryos? 

To make a longer story a bit shorter, I got fully checked out by the new clinic...physical, complete blood work, hysteroscopy.  The donor did tell me and my friend when we started this journey that she was *done* adding to her family.  But we have both speculated that as things progressed, it all became more real to her, and she realized that she isn't sure she's done adding to her family.  Even though she has a partner, she wants to keep some of the embryos for herself "just in case."  My friend and I do understand.  But because she doesn't know how many embryos she might need for herself, she really doesn't know how many she has available for someone else, much less two someone elses.  Her embryologist has told her to expect anywhere from three to seven blasts out of 26 pre-embryos...they have to be thawed, grown further, and then transferred (her clinic would prefer to do a fresh transfer instead of refreezing them).  So she most likely doesn't have any to spare.  I found this out on Wednesday.  And here the journey ends, at least this particular journey.

I have definitely considered looking for another embryo donor.  But I keep coming back to the fact that I am not a childless couple.  I am a single mother by choice who already has a kid.  When it comes down to it, who would it be more likely for a prospective donor to choose?  There are many, many people out there who are looking for and hoping to find embryos.  And the plain truth is that I am 45...I highly doubt anyone would allow me to do IVF with my own eggs, and donor egg cycles are that much more expensive.  So this week I have done some grieving.  I'm pretty sad.  I am trying so hard to focus on the benefits of having only one child, of which there are a lot!  Some days are easier than others.  Tonight has been kind of hard, probably because I got to spend time with my cousin today, among other family members, who is lucky enough to have two precious children.  I really, really wish I could have two.

So.  I will definitely do an update post next, since there is a TON of other news to report other than the thoughts that are currently living rent-free inside my brain.  (Get OUT, negative thoughts!!)  My life is NOT just about wanting two children.  But that is what's on my mind tonight. 

Here are a few pics of my sweet no-longer-a-preschooler:

I am such a lucky momma!