Just Us Girls

Just Us Girls

...one SMC's adventures in single motherhood.

Monday, June 15, 2015

I want to blog...I don't want to blog...I want to blog...

For some reason, tonight seems to be the night.  I have a few things bouncing around in my head that I really want to get down on paper...I mean, the screen.  I actually have a lot that I *should* get done, as we're heading out of town to the east coast on Wednesday, but in all honesty I have a lot on my mind.  Strangely enough, I am finding myself pretty much back at the same place I was when I last posted, back in November 2013.  That sounds like such a long time ago!  It really was--my girl wasn't even four yet, and now she's five years and three months old, and headed off to kindergarten in August!  So hard to believe.  She's changed so much!  I'll attach a few pics at the end of this post.

So.  I haven't blogged in a long time.  I think it's because I was pretty profoundly sad about not being able to add to my family, not being able to give my daughter a sibling.  I also feel guilty about feeling sad...the truth is that I am so, so grateful to have my amazing girl, and I *should* be completely happy, perfectly content to be a mom-and-daughter family.  On a lot of days I am.  But it's been a rough week.

I started on a new journey this past March: I found an embryo donor.  (I wasn't actively looking for one; a friend who was actively looking for an embryo donor found her, and things just kind of went from there.)  I also had to find a new clinic, as my former RE retired around Christmastime.  This donor lives in Portland, and she really has an amazing story.  Before she underwent chemotherapy and radiation, she chose to create embryos with donor sperm, which resulted in 26 pre-embryos that weren't quite to the blast stage.  After successfully completing her chemo and radiation therapy, she met someone, and now has a beautiful six-year-old son with him.  So...what to do with the embryos? 

To make a longer story a bit shorter, I got fully checked out by the new clinic...physical, complete blood work, hysteroscopy.  The donor did tell me and my friend when we started this journey that she was *done* adding to her family.  But we have both speculated that as things progressed, it all became more real to her, and she realized that she isn't sure she's done adding to her family.  Even though she has a partner, she wants to keep some of the embryos for herself "just in case."  My friend and I do understand.  But because she doesn't know how many embryos she might need for herself, she really doesn't know how many she has available for someone else, much less two someone elses.  Her embryologist has told her to expect anywhere from three to seven blasts out of 26 pre-embryos...they have to be thawed, grown further, and then transferred (her clinic would prefer to do a fresh transfer instead of refreezing them).  So she most likely doesn't have any to spare.  I found this out on Wednesday.  And here the journey ends, at least this particular journey.

I have definitely considered looking for another embryo donor.  But I keep coming back to the fact that I am not a childless couple.  I am a single mother by choice who already has a kid.  When it comes down to it, who would it be more likely for a prospective donor to choose?  There are many, many people out there who are looking for and hoping to find embryos.  And the plain truth is that I am 45...I highly doubt anyone would allow me to do IVF with my own eggs, and donor egg cycles are that much more expensive.  So this week I have done some grieving.  I'm pretty sad.  I am trying so hard to focus on the benefits of having only one child, of which there are a lot!  Some days are easier than others.  Tonight has been kind of hard, probably because I got to spend time with my cousin today, among other family members, who is lucky enough to have two precious children.  I really, really wish I could have two.

So.  I will definitely do an update post next, since there is a TON of other news to report other than the thoughts that are currently living rent-free inside my brain.  (Get OUT, negative thoughts!!)  My life is NOT just about wanting two children.  But that is what's on my mind tonight. 

Here are a few pics of my sweet no-longer-a-preschooler:

I am such a lucky momma!


  1. Just to let you know my story, I tried IUI and climid many times with no success. I am single. I was told my eggs were too old (we have early menopause in my family), so I did a ton of research and went and did double donor overseas in Europe. So I had a fresh egg donor all to myself, and the reason I went to Europe is because it is so much less expensive that could afford it, and then I went back recently-last year-for siblings for my dear daughter and now have twins boys. So my daughter has 2 baby brothers. Europe is so much less expensive, plus they are much mellower over there, and don't just care about money, unlike the US.

    1. where did you go in Europe? would love to know?

    2. Yes, Jean, I would love to know, too!! :)

  2. Heather - I read this post last night - and wanted to contact you - in so doing I found the comments you had left on my blog - and I never saw . I will send you an email very shortly. Have to go out for a meeting now.

  3. So glad to see an update from you!! I'm just so sorry you're in this grieving place. I can identify with you about the desire for a second child. Most days I know being one & done is best for my daughter & I...but there are the days where I find myself thinking & planning...

    You girl is precious! Absolutely gorgeous...& a kindergartner? How has the time flown by so fast??

  4. So glad you are blogging again. My kindergartner will be going to grade 1 and I can't believe how quickly they grow. Your little one is not so little anymore and she is adorable. I hear you about feeling down about not being able to add to your family, funny my friend and I were just talking about that today. I'm 43 and I still think, well maybe but overall I'm trying to accept it will be just the two of us.