can't wrap my head around it

Why do these things have to happen?? Paige, I am so sorry for your loss. It's just not fair, which is such an understatement.

My heart is breaking for her.

Please keep Paige in your thoughts and prayers...I wish I could hug her in person. :(

My brother is amazing...see for yourself! (Sepia Tone feat. my baby bro, Ben Mills, on sax)

heart = broken

I can hardly type the words. Mo and Will just lost their sixth pregnancy, and we all were SO hopeful that this one would be the one, especially after doing their microarray right here in Denver. It doesn't even feel real. Please keep them in your prayers. :(

My daughter has way too many...

SWEATERS. Seriously. How many sweaters does an 8-month-old really need?! Yes, I know winter is coming. And we live in Colorado. There are a few sweaters that she doesn't fit into yet. But this is a bit ridiculous.

Damn you, eBay. Damn you to hell.

Where is that 12-step program I keep looking for??!!

PS -- Okay, so I had to go and count them. She has seven that I have bought her, and three more that were either hand-me-downs or knitted for her. But seriously! Seven! No eight-month-old needs a sweater for every day of the week. I think I need professional help.

The. Big. Update.

Jeez! I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted!! I'm just about to go pick up K from daycare, and I was thinking I'd take some eight-month pictures this afternoon before it gets too dark. So I'll post 'em soon.

Here's the lowdown of what we've been up to over the past month:

• We moved!! I started packing and all that joyfulness about six weeks ago, when I found out I'd be able to move this fall instead of next summer, and it's been nothing but busy-ness ever since. I can finally say that I'm done moving, but definitely not done unpacking. Last night I got so sick of looking at the boxes strewn around the living room that I went into a total cleaning frenzy and unpacked a ton of stuff...but I do still have a small mountain of boxes next to the windows in the living room. I can't wait to go home tonight and survey the cleared space! It's satisfying. We now live in a very cool two-bedroom townhome (with an upstairs! Yay!) that has everything I was hoping to find except for a garage. Big rooms for both of us complete with vaulted ceilings and skylights, huge closets, fireplace that I can't wait to use this winter, cute (read: small) backyard with space to garden and plant grass in the spring, and the most beautiful renovated bathroom I've ever seen. Right out of a magazine. I never knew I'd be so excited about fixtures!! I'm so glad I'm all moved out of the old place. The mice can have it all to themselves. Yeah, I know. Mice. Horrible for an about-to-crawl baby. I did 95 percent of the moving all by myself, since the people who offered had things come up last-minute. I was disappointed for a while there, since I'm taking care of K on my own AND teaching middle school full-time AND trying to get us moved all the way across town. But I did it, and I'm really proud of myself.

• K turned eight months on Tuesday. I can hardly believe it! She's doing all sorts of new things, and I love every minute of it. It sure helps that she's in a new room at her daycare with kids who are a little older...lots of crawlers and walkers in there. Her latest thing is babbling nonstop, which is so entertaining to listen to and respond to, especially on the commute home in rush-hour traffic. She LOOOVES her bathtime, especially splashing and playing with her toys. She still loves to stand (supported) as often as possible, and now she's finally sitting by herself too. She cut her first tooth two Saturdays ago, and unfortunately it's all about the funky diapers now. Terrible diaper rash, which we're battling on a daily basis. Lots of frequent, irritating poops (sorry, TMI). I keep reading that this is all a part of teething, and friends have confirmed that too. But at least she loves having her teeth (tooth!) brushed...it probably feels good on her gums. She's a really happy kiddo on the whole...lots of smiling and laughing, even while she's teething. I actually have a parent conference tomorrow at her daycare, which will be interesting, I'm sure. I really like her caregivers, so I'm sure it'll go well. She's not crawling yet, but she is scooting, so I know it won't be long now. And she's a tall baby, just like her mama--she's in 9 to 12 month sizes mostly, only for the length in her legs, arms, and torso. She's a long drink of water! (I'm six feet tall, so no surprise there.)

• Things have just been incredibly busy lately. Now that the moving is done, I can focus on getting caught up with everything else, including getting everything unpacked and put away. We now live within walking distance of one of the many walking trails that crisscross my Colorado city, so I'm really looking forward to enjoying what's left of fall by going out with K in the stroller. I need the exercise!! I promise I'll do better in the future with updating this blog. :)

Lucky number seven

Look at me! I'm seven months old!!


I also have new shoes, see...


It's good to be seven months old! I'm now officially in my second half of my first year of life. Things are good...I LOVE my daycare place, especially Miss Linda and Miss June who I spend the most time with. I also like Miss Jen, who I get to see every morning, but she doesn't stay the whole day. My best friend at daycare is Dallas...she is only a few weeks younger than I am.

Mommy is a little sad because she realized that the reason my eye was looking so much better for about two weeks was only because I had been on antibiotics for ten days. She thought my eye was all better, but she had to make ANOTHER appointment with the eye doctor for October 21st. That's okay, Mommy, I still love you. And hopefully my eye will still have a chance to be all better by the time we have to go see Dr. Lee.

She's smiling 'cause she's...

...all better! K's blocked tear duct (in her left eye) has opened all by itself, and I am SO glad we won't need to keep our appointment with the opthalmologist tomorrow! Her eye looks better than it has even since she was born, and I couldn't be happier. It didn't seem to be bothering her much--she didn't seem to rub it very often--but we did go through SO many eyedrops battling the eye infections that resulted. No more refills, yay!



Here is my grandmother, MorMor (grandmother in Swedish), with her four great-grands:
(from top left, Will, 4, Robbie, 8, K asleep on MorMor's lap, and Geneva, 18 months)


And here's one of just K and MorMor:

The end is nigh.

And I don't know quite what to think about it. I've had to feed K formula more and more often while we're together (she's been getting formula at daycare for a little while now) since my milk supply doesn't seem to be satisfying her as much anymore. She'll nurse, start to fuss and get all distracted, decide she's done, and continue to fuss, purportedly because she's still hungry. At least, that's how I've been interpreting her behavior. So I'll fix her a bottle of formula and she'll wolf it down. While we've both been sick, I decided that it was much more worth it to me to take the verboten cold medicine so I could feel halfway human and take care of her effectively, and feed her the formula so I could do so. But this shift has been taking place for at least a few weeks now, so I know it's not just the sick thing. We definitely still snuggle while she drinks from her bottle, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on that aspect. And I've definitely been nursing her if/when she wakes up at five am to nurse, which completely makes sense because she doesn't really need a full meal at that point. I'd actually like to continue those early morning nursing sessions, even though there are several nights per week when she sleeps all the way through. I gave up on the pumping at work fiasco, because there just doesn't seem to be time for that in my typical uber-busy day at the middle school where I teach. And you know? I honestly don't feel guilty for not wanting to pump around the clock. I just don't have it in me. No pun intended. This little girl is growing like a weed, in the 95th percentile for height and the 40th for weight, and she's definitely a lot more active now than she's ever been. So it definitely follows that she's wanting more sustenance. But then again, I nursed all the way to six and a half months, so that's something, too. She's doing very well with solids, though she's not quite at the point of eating solids three times per day. I've read in several places that one's milk supply naturally goes down after a baby starts solids. I think I'm feeling kind of okay about stopping the nursing and switching to formula only. Except for the cost...that's no fun at all. I mean, it's fine, really, but FREE is so much better.

Thanks for listening to all my ramblings about this nursing issue! It all helps me to sort it out in my little brain. :)

In other news, it looks like we're moving! Around November first. Into a great townhouse that's easily more than twice as big as my current house, a 1914 cottage that is high on charm and low on amenities, definitely super-low on space and closet space in particular. Not looking forward to moving as a single mom with a little one in tow, but I know it's doable. A lot of work, but definitely doable. Stay tuned.

Down for the count.

Yep, we're sick. Both of us. I had a feeling it might happen soon, considering how many new germs we're both exposed to at the start of a new school year (and daycare year)! I think I caught my bug from K, but she's the one I'm more worried about right now.

I've been battling an upper respiratory thing and now, a cough, yet she's only had the sniffles and a slight cough last week. But last night she spiked a fever, and it was back again today. This afternoon around 4:00, her fever spiked all the way up to 102.9, which really freaked me out. She's never had a fever that high. But I immediately gave her the correct dosage of infant Tylenol, and it started to come down about a half hour later. I also have infant ibuprofen, but I'm a bit nervous because I've never given that to her before, though apparently it's okay now that she's over six months old. I might try it for her next dosage, which will be in about an hour. I called her pediatrician after the high fever, and the nurse gave me some very sound advice, as well as a 10:45 am appointment tomorrow morning, just to be safe. It's reassuring. I doubt she has an ear infection, but it's great to get her checked out nonetheless. My cold has knocked me flat, so I'm not surprised in the least that she had such a high fever. Goes to show that her body is fighting something.

I'll be so glad when we're both back to normal.

Weird.

The strangest thing just happened to me...tonight I was trading out my summer clothes and putting away the fall and winter ones when I stumbled upon the pair of pajamas I brought with me to the hospital back in March, when I gave birth to K. As soon as I looked at them, the biggest wave of...emotion crashed over me. It was so visceral--I literally had to cover the jammies up with other clothing to stop the intense discomfort I was feeling at that moment. It actually took my breath away. I'm still trying to figure out exactly which emotions I was feeling...fear and anger and intense sadness over the emergency c-section and not being able to hear K's first cry or see her and touch her in those moments right after her birth (wow, this brings me to tears just writing about it), the intense fear I felt as they were wheeling me into the OR and especially as they were forcing the mask (for general anesthesia) over my mouth and nose, my frustration now that my memories of those first moments when they put her in my arms are so fuzzy and hard to recall, and even my sadness over how completely crappy I felt--nauseous and dizzy and unable to raise the back of my hospital bed above a certain point--during K's first day of life. Wow, that sentence really shows how jumbled and overlapping all those emotions still are. And they washed right over me as soon as I laid eyes on those pajamas. I don't think I've ever experienced so many emotions attached to one unsuspecting object...I so did NOT expect that reaction. Kind of like being hit by a train. I honestly thought I had dealt with and resolved my feelings about K's birth...apparently not. Wonder what I should do now.

I need a twelve-step program. No, really.

I'm kind of scaring myself lately. I've been told I have an "addictive" personality, and lately I'm starting to believe it. I think I might be addicted to a) shopping for and buying cute baby girl clothes and b) scouring eBay looking for all things Sasha. Sasha dolls are an amazing (IMHO) series of dolls started by Sasha Morgenthaler in Germany in the '60s. My preferred era of the dolls, however, is the '80s, mainly because I'm an '80s child and that's when I fell in love with Sasha dolls when I was a kid. There was this incredible doll- and toy shop in the local mall, and I distinctly recall gazing at these Sasha dolls that were displayed in a huge glass case, particularly the limited-edition Sasha Kiltie, a beautiful redhead with real human hair that wore a pleated dress of black watch plaid, dark tights and black shoes. Sasha dolls' expressions are so wistful and lifelike, and they do (in my eyes) have a very European look to them. I honestly can't get enough. It's baaaad.

Exhibit A, which includes not only the stunning Sasha baby I recently purchased on eBay for K, but the absolutely beautiful doll-sized bed, also purchased on eBay, complete with the softest flannel bedding I have ever laid a hand on:


And don't even get me started on the adorable baby girl clothes I've found recently on clearance. I seriously think I have K's summer wardrobe just about complete, in 18 month sizes. I don't think I've spent all that much, really, not when I've been refusing to spend more than, say, six bucks per item. I've found the most amazing summer clothes, including dresses, for less than five--and even four--dollars apiece. I think my favorite brand of all time is OshKosh Genuine Baby, found at Target. I also am liking the Cherokee brand more and more these days. I must confess, I actually started buying long-sleeved things in nine- and twelve-month sizes back when she was teeny-tiny, and no regrets there. I am admittedly a bargain shopper who makes a beeline for the clearance racks every time, and wow, have I found some absolute treasures. Kohl's is another favorite store, and they carry a ridiculously overpriced brand called Chaps. I found some incredible fall Chaps items that I absolutely LOVE at over fifty percent off (yes, I'm very proud of that fact). My girl's gonna be stylin' come fall!

But seriously? I have to stop looking at the Target website. And shopping at Target stores. And all Kohl's stores, too. The problem is that I do shop at Target for other things too, necessary things like Target diapers, which I love. And some days, I can't seem to physically pull myself away from those clearance racks. Just looking, at least. Gives a whole new spin on retail therapy when you're not exactly shopping for yourself.

So...yeah. If anyone finds a twelve-step program for compulsive adorable-baby-girl-clothes shopping, please let me know. I'd be forever grateful. ;P

Six months!

Happy half-birthday, sweet girl! She turned six months old this past Tuesday, and I admit it, I was feeling rather sentimental all day. Not so much about her turning six months old, but thinking back to that momentous day six months earlier when my life changed so dramatically. I was wishing that I could remember that moment when the nurses handed her to me for the first time in more detail...I was still so groggy from the general anesthesia that my memories are quite foggy. I do remember seeing her little pink self as they wheeled me past the nursery--she was SO pink. But there's a lot that I still have to struggle to remember, which is very bittersweet for me. But the end result is still so miraculous...a healthy, happy, thriving baby girl who is the center of my universe. :)



She is now rolling over in both directions (she rolled from back to tummy first, which surprised me), sitting up with only a little bit of assistance, she LOOVES to stand and practice stepping whenever possible, and she smiles and laughs all the time. I'm pretty sure the teething process has begun, considering how fussy she's been lately, and we're still battling one blocked tear duct. We have an appointment with an opthalmologist on September 23rd, and at that point he and I will decide what to do next, with a quick outpatient procedure to open up the tear duct being a distinct possibility. I keep using warm compresses and massage at home to try and open it up, which is what happened with her other eye, now perfectly okay. But so far, no go. She really seems to want to crawl...she's scooting herself around using her arms and legs--not moving very fast or anything, but still.

We're experimenting more and more with solids: so far we're up to rice cereal or oat cereal every morning and meat most nights at dinnertime (for the iron). I added pears this morning, which she seemed to like, and we'll add a vegetable on Tuesday. Not sure yet what we'll start with, probably squash or sweet potatoes. I'm following the "only add a new food every three days" rule to watch for allergies. I also have barley cereal which we'll add soon as well. I did have to give in to formula while she's at daycare because I simply was not able to pump as much as I needed to each day...I went through my frozen stash incredibly fast, unfortunately. But when we're together I still breastfeed. Not sure how long that will last, considering that I'm not pumping while I'm at work, either...there's just not that much time for it. I'll just nurse as long as I can, I guess. :(

Daycare is going very well, now that I've gotten used to it...the daycare center she goes to has really grown on me, the more I've found out about how things are done there. It's a bit pricier than the home situations I checked out, but I'm happy with the one I finally chose, and truth be told, K is all smiles when we get there every morning. I've also seen a few of the candid photos they've taken of the kids, and K is smiling broadly in all the ones she's in. I do get the sense she's happy there, which means so much to me. And I really like the women who take care of her as well as how things run there.

I am SO looking forward to the next few months to see what she'll learn how to do next! So many changes in store...it's so exciting!!

So much to say...

...that I don't even know where to start! Whenever I contemplate writing a new post, I've been freezing up because it's been SO! LONG! since I last posted. Lots to tell, and like I said, I don't know where to start.

So I think I'll start with a photo essay of sorts, entitled "Cereal!"

But not till I send out HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to the many dear women who are currently pregnant! Not limited to four IRL friends of mine, Jenni, a wonderful SMC-to-be, Shiloh, who is now three months along after having endured a loss last fall, Amanda, pregnant with a girl after their first, a boy, was born three years ago, and Amy, who is pregnant with twins (and she and her husband have decided to NOT find out their genders until they make their appearance!). SO many prospective SMC's are pregnant as well--congrats to all of you! You won't regret it!!

Back to the featured photo essay:

Here she is, warming up with one of her new spoons, of course...



[drum roll please] The first spoonful...


Ooooh, not so sure about this stuff...


Hmm, maybe it's not so bad after all. Might I have a little more?


Here we go again...


So this is that spoon-thing I keep hearing about!


And the verdict is in: YUMMY! (or at least worth another taste or two tomorrow)


How I absolutely love that gleeful smile! Her whole face--no, make that her whole body--lights up with a smile that big. When she wakes up in her co-sleeper and sees me, she grins, kicks her little legs and waves her little arms just like she's dancing. How can you be in a bad mood when you get to wake up to that?!

And yes, we're still struggling with a blocked tear duct in her left eye. That's why it looks so red in the pictures. I just got a referral for her to see an opthalmologist about it, but I keep hoping that it will resolve itself (like her right eye did) on its own, with the help of warm compresses, massage, and eyedrops to eradicate the infections that keep reappearing.

Her latest stats: height, 95th percentile (that's my girl!), weight, 38th percentile (just short of fifteen pounds), and head circumference, 61st percentile. I don't know about that 38th percentile...I don't know how they figure these things, but she doesn't look below average to me at all.

K turns six months on September second. I can't even wrap my brain around it. We only started rice cereal a week or so ago, so we're moving on to oat cereal and barley cereal this week and next. Interestingly enough, the pediatrician recommended (also) starting with meat for the iron, since she's been breastfed exclusively. I just can't envision cooking and pureeing meat finely enough for her, so tonight I did buy some of the prepared meats from the baby aisle in the grocery store. I do want to make vegetables and fruits for her, though, and freeze them in ice cube trays. A weekend project, I'm sure. What I'm stressed out about now, though, is the idea of feeding her cereal in the mornings...I'm so not a morning person, and I'd prefer not to rush her in any way if at all possible. So I might just give in and buy a little of the prepared cereals, too. I don't know. Things feel crazy enough in the mornings without adding baby cereal to the mix. I'm also feeling down about the fact that I just can't keep up with all the pumping each day. She's taking about sixteen to twenty ounces of breastmilk on any given workday, and I simply am not able to pump that much each day in addition to nursing her full time. I have now officially burned through the stash in my freezer, having gone back to a new school year only about two weeks ago. And I paid quite a bit to ship the frozen stash back to Colorado from New York via overnight FedEx, on dry ice no less. Was it worth it? Not sure, considering how quickly I went through it. So...it looks like I'll be doing formula at daycare and still nursing her when we're together. As long as I can, anyway. I still plan to pump while I'm at school, and either send one or maybe two bottles with her to daycare each day, or simply feed it to her when we're at home. I'm trying NOT to be sad about it, but I fear that my supply is going to dwindle anyway, what with starting solids and being back at work.

Our trip to Virginia and Tennessee went really well. She was such a trooper (trouper? sp?) when we flew. I, however, didn't do so well whenever we'd go through what I considered to be terrible turbulence. K sat on my lap since I didn't buy a separate seat for her, and even though she did wonderfully, whenever there was turbulence, I'd wrap my arms around her that much tighter and shut my eyes. Let's just say, a lot of prayers were said. My Uncle Paul's memorial service was absolutely beautiful, and I'm so glad I was able to be there. Jon's wedding a week later was also wonderful. When they had the "official" mother-son dance, though, I got really emotional thinking about how unfair it was that Uncle Paul wasn't there, and also when the four adorable flower girls were dancing with a couple of adult family members up on the stage...I felt overwhelmed that now I have this beautiful little girl to raise, and I feel SO LUCKY.
But I was SO ready to come home and resume my life here, even though it meant returning to work and daycare and hectic days.

Right now K is enrolled at a church-based daycare and I'm not convinced that it's the best fit. She's definitely well taken care of, but there are a total of nine babies there, and I often feel like just another number when I bring her in each morning. I know they take great care of all her physical needs, feeding, changing diapers, keeping her safe, but I'm not sure about how much attention she actually receives. Does anyone actually PLAY with her? Interact with her beyond said physical needs? I'm not convinced. Plus it's on the expensive side. And if I'm spending extra every week to have her there, I want some sort of return for the additional money I'm putting out. I think we need to find a place with fewer kids and a more individualized approach.

I think I'll end this *novel* with a few more pictures from this summer...there is more to say, but I'm tired and off to bed.


New Bumbo, new jammies (no feet!)...

...and we're off!

Off to Roanoke, Virginia tomorrow (Uncle Paul's memorial service on Saturday) followed by Knoxville, Tennessee (my cousin Jon's wedding), and then back to Colorado just in time for school and our new daycare to start! We get back the evening of August tenth, we have all day on the eleventh to recuperate, and teacher days (before the first day of school with students) begin on August 12th.

I will do my best to post some pictures during our travels...we're spending four days/nights at a gorgeous cabin resort in Tennessee. I can't wait! This will be K's first roadtrip, and I am so hoping it will go smoothly. She's typically a great traveler, so I guess I'm not too worried, but one never knows. I am SO glad to be able to take a vacation--actual traveling!--before the grind begins again. And I'm going to try not to stress about K's new daycare, a fairly large daycare center. I think it will work out well, but it's still an unknown, so I'm nervous about that. I hope she will get used to it quickly. I'll keep y'all posted. :)

?????

Wow, thank you all so much for the supportive and encouraging comments on my last post!

So now I have a question to pose to all of you:

The biggest determining/limiting factor in my decision to add to my family is...finances. How does one figure out if she can afford to have another child????? I haven't even gotten to the teenage years yet, when I know things will be so much more expensive!

Any thoughts??

Thanks in advance... :)

Two!

Wow, I have so many possible posts in my head, it's crazy. So here's one: I don't think my family is complete yet! I haven't told anyone, and I don't plan to for quite a while, but I so want to do it all again: pregnancy, childbirth, the works! I really want to give K a sibling, hopefully a "full" sibling if her donor is still available. I hope. I'm already starting to think about what I want to accomplish and put in place before I start trying again...I've even started making a few lists. I'm getting excited! The very earliest I'd start TTC-ing again would be next summer, but even that might be a bit too early. Then again, I ain't gettin' any younger! Oh, I don't know. I don't know what the timing will be. But in my heart of hearts, I really think I want to try again. When I think about my ideal family, there are three of us, not two. So we'll see. There is so much to think about and plan for!! :)

Mixed

"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

I just stumbled upon this quote in the comments of someone else's blog, and I really love it! So I hope that no one minds that I am borrowing it for this post.

Someone recently asked me how my summer has been going, and the word that came to mind was "mixed". We have received some very difficult news in my family. My father's sister's husband is my Uncle Paul, an amazing, dear man who is husband to my Aunt Judy and wonderful father to my four cousins: Jen, Jon, Kate, and Elizabeth. About a month ago he began coughing up blood unexpectedly, so he and my aunt saw their doctor, had some tests run, and received some shocking news. Carcinoma was found in both of his lungs, in and below his liver, and possibly in his gallbladder as well, and on June fifteenth, my Uncle Paul was officially diagnosed as having cancer. Paul is also diabetic, which definitely threw yet another wrench into the works. Judy and Paul live near Roanoke, Virginia, so after having the tests done at UVa in Charlottesville, he began a course of chemotherapy there as well. The plan was to do a week of chemo followed by a week off for his body to recover, rinse and repeat. It was tough on both of them...chemo is never easy, and Paul had a hard time keeping food down. With anti-nausea medication, though, things definitely improved, and after his chest tube was able to be removed, he was allowed to go home. He was sent home with a walker to help get around, a slew of prescriptions, home health and PT set up, and appointments with local docs set up as well. With each round of chemo (if this round didn't work, there were two other types of chemo they could try) came an expected minimum of three months more with his family, so we were cautiously hopeful.

My Uncle Paul passed away last Wednesday.

It hardly registers in my mind. My cousin Jon and Aunt Judy were with him at home when he began to pass blood, so they took him to the local hospital, where he received three units of blood and began to feel better. But shortly before seven that evening, he had another lower GI bleed and slipped away. One day short of one month after he was diagnosed with cancer. SO fast. Interestingly enough, the doctors aren't completely convinced that his GI bleed was even related to the cancer, but apparently cancer and/or chemo can cause problems with blood clotting as well.

I'm so thankful that Aunt Judy and Jon were with him, especially considering that Jon will be getting married on August seventh, and all three of them had fervently hoped that Paul would somehow be able to attend. I am also thankful that all four kids were able to visit and spend time with their Dad before he passed. But the reality is staggering: Uncle Paul was only 66...so much time still to be spent with his family and his four precious grandkids. I was able to visit with him and Aunt Judy last Thanksgiving, and I really wish I had known at the time that he only had a measly nine more months left. Not that it's ever possible, but I still wish I had known somehow.

So it looks like we'll be leaving New York a little earlier than we had planned in order to attend the memorial service on the 31st in Virginia. We were already set to roadtrip down to Tennessee around August third for Jon's wedding, and I can hardly believe that Uncle Paul won't be there. Like I said, it still doesn't compute. The sadness certainly does, though...I haven't been sleeping well since we found out late Friday night that he had passed away, and every morning when we do wake up it hits me again like a ton of bricks. Uncle Paul is the first family member besides my three grandparents to pass away, the first of my parents' generation. One thing I'm sure of is that he is now with my precious Nana, whose first words to him probably were, "Well, what took you so long?!" and my grandpa, watching over us down here. They're probably playing cards together.

Rest in peace, Uncle Paul. I love you.

She's growing so fast!!!