BFN

...and I'm sad.

Not unexpected, really, but I'm still sad nonetheless.

Frustrated because I can't afford to try again in November. December, maybe, but now I've missed my summer window (for a summer delivery), and that's frustrating too. And now I'm starting to question being able to handle (and afford) two kids in the first place. I *really* don't feel like my family will be complete without two siblings. But I'm not sure I can make it happen, and not shortchange K, both financially and emotionally. This is SO frustrating. I wish there were a "right" answer out there somewhere.

I've gotta snap out of this funk.
I don't feel like myself.
I don't like it.

Bad Mommy Moment UPDATED

Yes, I know I'm not a bad mom. It was just the hindsight talking. I was wishing that I'd thought to suspect strep, and I was worried that K would catch it because I didn't treat it nearly as soon as I should have. Thank you, everyone, for your comments!

We saw the doctor this morning, and thankfully she does not have strep. She does, however, have sounds in her left lung that the doctor characterized as possible "walking pneumonia". I'm not frantic at all about that, and I suspected it because I kept hearing "rasping" noises as she breathed in and out. I'm SO glad I had it checked out. Turns out amoxicillin won't touch walking pneumonia, but Azithromax does, and I'm happy that I only have to give it to her once a day for five days. Hopefully we'll both be on the mend soon!

Bad Mommy Moment #329

I can't even believe it. Shortly before lunchtime today I had to call my doctor's office (family practice) for an unexpected yet pretty urgent appointment because I glanced down at my arms during a morning meeting, and was shocked by the angry red rash that had suddenly appeared out of the blue. Seriously shocked, especially since I have NO allergies to speak of. At first the receptionist said, "Nope, sorry, we're all booked up today. No way, no how." (Well, she didn't say the last sentence I just wrote, but that was her tone.) But fate was on my side because she then said, "Oh, wait...nope, we have a cancellation. We can get you in at 1:15." And I nearly shouted, "I'll take it!" My colleagues told me today that they were convinced I had bronchitis, so I definitely had to get in to see someone anyhow. Peer pressure! Thank goodness today was a teacher work day, so I could take off for the doctor when I needed to without calling in an absence. I ended up being gone for only just over an hour.

So I went in, and when my doc told me what she suspected based on the rash, I nearly fell over. I seriously feel like the world's worst mom because I did not suspect this at all and I can't believe I exposed my precious child to it.

My four-day flu bug at the end of September, complete with fever, chills, achiness, sore throat (but not a bad one at all), congestion? Strep.

My repeat four-day flu bug this week that laid me out flat with fever, chills, achiness, and cough (NO sore throat)? Strep.

Angry red rash that showed up out of nowhere? Strep.

All of this attributed to strep. She did one of the rapid strep tests, and it came back confirming what she had suspected, strep. I had NO idea that fever, chills, and achiness can be due to strep. Didn't know a rash could also be due to strep. My mom tells me it's scarlet fever, which to me sounds as serious as smallpox. Craziness! And to think I left it unchecked since the end of September. AND I exposed my sweet girl to it, too. I feel like the world's worst mother. But I guess it could be worse. And now I know for the future.

So I couldn't get her in to be checked at all today, but we do have an appointment first thing tomorrow. I pray that her test comes back negative. But I wonder whether they might just put her back on amoxicillin just in case. I will be back on amoxicillin as of tonight, plus an inhaler (in-office sample! love it!) of albuterol for my cough.

I'm amazed that I have the audacity to try to get pregnant right now, in the middle of all these germs and this sickness! If this works amidst all the chaos of both of us being so sick, it'll be a miracle.

Waiting...and more waiting...

Part of me wants to NOT! BLOG! ANYTHING! until I *know* for sure whether my iui last Thursday worked. I'm on pins and needles, to tell the truth. One week down, roughly one week to go. If I were to say that I have NO symptoms, I'd be lying. But then again, I don't totally trust any potential symptoms because in the past I've been convinced I was pregnant only to find out I wasn't. My brain sometimes seems to trick my body into conjuring up false symptoms. I just want to know for SURE.

The hard part of the past few days is that the flu bug that I'd been fighting before has reared its ugly head yet again. I had to take yesterday off from work because I had some nasty chills, achiness, fever, and a cough I can't seem to get rid of. I felt horrible on Monday, too, but I did manage to drag myself through my school day. I do feel somewhat better today, thank goodness, but I'm still coughing up a storm. And of course, being "PUPO", I can't take hardly anything. NOT a fan of Tylenol, but at least it did make a dent in the chills, fever, and achiness of yesterday. And today it's been all about the cough drops that were given to me by my colleague next door. Sometimes I find myself thinking that I'm just gonna be sick like this for the rest of the school year without reprieve. K stayed home with me yesterday, too, which was probably a good thing since she's still recovering as well.

I'm typing this on my planning period...two more classes to go! I can do this!!!
Please think healthy thoughts for us. :)
And big thank-you's to all of the wonderful, supportive people who commented on my last post...your support and encouragement mean more than you know. :)

PUPO!

Wow, it's fun to be able to write that! I have a feeling, though, that it's going to be a looooooong two weeks.

The only glitch was the fact that I discovered that my insurance ompany has rejected covering the diagnostic work I had done prior to the iui, which they definitely covered 100 percent two years ago. My RE's office is sending it through again, but if it doesn't go through, I will owe over $600. That really sucks. I plan to fight my insurance company on that one.

But other than that, I'm so glad I got to do my iui today!!! And I didn't even have to take any portion of today's workday off. My coworker was willing to cover my first period class, and I was back right in the middle of my second hour planning period. It would have been nice to be able to take a half day and go home and lie down for a bit, but I doubt that it will affect possible implantation or anything like that. I did sit down as often as possible, and I'm glad I did since I felt pretty blech for the rest of the day. I had forgotten how much an iui affects your body...I tend to forget how much of an invasion it really is. But I'm sure I'll feel a bit better tomorrow.

Yay for PUPO!!! So excited!!!
THANK YOU everyone for your support and encouragement!!!!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away...

Yup. Tomorrow is my first iui since the birth of my daughter. What a mix of emotions: hope, excitement, nervousness, cynicism, and even a touch of downright fear. What if it doesn't work? What if it DOES work? How will my life change? How will K's life change? How will I handle the disappointment if it doesn't work? What if the unexpected happens and I can't do the iui after all? Just take all of the above and mix it into a ball and put it right into the pit of my stomach. I followed my RE's instructions to the letter and gave myself the trigger shot last night at 8:50 pm, exactly 36 hours before my scheduled iui. My appointment is at 8:50 am tomorrow. I'm heading back to school right after, no time to relax, unfortunately, except for the 15-20 minutes of resting on the table right after. But regardless I'm going to try to relax a bit at school and stay off my feet as often as possible. It's going to be SOOO hard to not get my hopes up. I have to confess that I'm already hoping, hard.

Wish me luck!!

Getting close!

...closer to my first iui in two years, and I am sooo excited! Monday is CD13, and I go in for an ultrasound--and hopefully to also pick up my trigger shot. I need to make sure to ask about pricing for this iui...I'm a bit nervous about the cost potentially having gone up since the last time two years ago. Especially since it's not covered whatsoever by my insurance. But still, I am all set to go, and I'm really excited to get things a-movin' along. :)

I was recently reminded of the hardest part of being an SMC, at least for me: being sick and having a sick toddler at the same time. I woke up on Wednesday morning barely able to see...my eyes were all gooped shut (sorry, TMI) and once I was able to get them unstuck, they were so swollen my eyes looked like slits. Very concerning. But since I hadn't called in for a sub and it was basically too late to do so, I went in to school and asked whether there was a sub who was just there for the morning, and who might be willing to stay for the afternoon for me. Lucky for me, there was. I got in to see my doctor at 3:30, and she took one look at my eyes and said, "Impressive!" It was quite a severe case of what I thought at first to be pink eye, but she suspected it was part of a sinus infection instead, especially since I had been sick for the past week before that. So she prescribed antibiotic eye drops and amoxicillin, and sent me on my way. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. I managed to come down with a flu bug the next day, complete with chills, fever, achiness, sore throat, congestion, headache, and general I-feel-like-I've-been-hit-by-a-truck-ness. Thankfully, now, three days later, I am feeling much better and I'm planning on heading back to school on Monday. The one thing I KNEW I had to do was to get K to daycare on Thursday and Friday, even though I had taken those days off from school. I did manage to keep her from catching any kind of pink eye (if that's even what it was), thank goodness. She's still coughing from her sick days last week. I really don't want her to catch this flu-thing. The hardest thing by far was getting both of us ready i.e. presentable and out the door when I felt SO awful (and you always feel worst in the morning), and then of course picking her up at the end of the day. But the chance to just sleep as much as I needed to without having to worry about a toddler? Priceless. I seriously spent two whole days just parked on the couch. And it worked out perfectly, because now that I have K all weekend, I'm now feeling better and able to take care of her like usual.

The one thing that makes me frantic is the idea of burning up all these leave days at the beginning of the year. I only get eleven days off to last me the entire school year, and I have now used up four and a half of them. Plus another half day on Monday for this ultrasound. It really sucks. I can still take days off after I've used up my eleven, but I do so at no pay, which is a huge chunk of change to lose out of my paycheck. And here I am, trying to get pregnant. It's very scary. Thank goodness my last pregnancy was very uneventful, with no morning sickness to speak of, so I may get lucky again. VERY lucky, but still. There's at least one appointment per month, but if I remember correctly, my OB's office had pretty good office hours, so I might be able to get appointments after 4:00. Of course, the (fabulous) ultrasound tech only has morning hours, so that might be a problem. I'll have to cross those bridges when I get to them. With a second pregnancy, I now know what to expect, so I find myself thinking (way) ahead and trying to hash it all out now. I'm just excited to get back in the game and give it a shot this month. Hopefully October will be my lucky month. :)