Just Us Girls

Just Us Girls

...one SMC's adventures in single motherhood.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Nope, can't do it. Sorry.

Well, this is a first...I've decided not to continue reading a blog I've been following for a (relatively short) while now because this blogger has apparently chosen to follow a path that absolutely breaks my heart. [I actually had to take a short break while typing these words because I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath.] I know that my visceral reaction is undoubtedly affected by all these pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, but truly, I can't relate to nor understand this choice in any way whatsoever. I can type the words, "Her body, her choice," but right now, to me they sound so completely hollow. I can't get past it, and I honestly have no desire to read even one more post, something I've never said before.

I can hardly type the words: she has survived through four miscarriages, three after IVF's and one after an FET, she just found out that she is pregnant with seemingly healthy twins, both of whom have been predicted by her OB to make it, and she intends to reduce to one. And as far as I or the other commenters can tell (sure, we could be wrong), a twin pregnancy would not put this mother's life in danger.

I don't know which aspect hits me harder...the fact that she struggled for such a long time to get and stay pregnant, her OB's belief that both twins seem to be equally healthy, the fact that this pregnancy was achieved through the use of donor eggs, or even the fact that in my opinion, twins don't fall into the higher order multiples category. If it were three or four (or more), it would be one thing, but two? I sit here at 34 and a half weeks pregnant, at age 40, hoping and praying with every fiber of my being that my little girl makes it safely out into the world and beyond, and I know that I'd be over the moon if I were able to have two, risks and all. I'm not sure I'll ever get to have two period, twins or not, and I would so love to be able to give my daughter a sibling. There is a very real possibility that she won't ever get to enjoy that special sibling relationship. And this woman plans to intentionally end it before it even gets a chance to get started? I don't get it.

I can't even imagine what other readers who have dealt with infertility must be feeling. For someone to finally have a healthy embryo growing inside of her (two of them!), the promise of a life, and she wants to end it?? All of the women and couples out there trying to adopt, who would give just about anything for a healthy baby...for me it defies logic. And how do you pick which of your babies will live and which one won't, especially when they both seem to have been given an equal chance by your OB? After the one baby arrives, will she always wonder whether she picked the "right" one? I have no answers to any of this, except that I know I won't be able to follow this story any further. Even as I type this, I can feel my tiny miracle kicking away inside me, and I am so happy to have made it this far, to have the privilege of dreaming about our future days together...I am thrilled to even be able to experience this life-changing journey at all. And to say no to the chance to have two? Yeah, I don't get it.

No, I don't have to get it because it's her choice, but I don't think I'll ever understand it, in all honesty. This choice flies in the face of the generosity--the ultimate gift--given by these egg- and embryo-donors. If it were a case of safety for the mother, and I'll admit it certainly could be, I'd be a lot more empathetic. But right now? Nope. Can't go there. Not at all.


  1. Oh Heather, I'm so sorry her decision is affecting you so much. As I understand her decision for you, I also understand your decision for you.

  2. oops, I meant to say I understand her decision for HER and your decision for you. However, you may want to give her one more shot - her post yesterday does talk about a medical uncertainty. Don't read it for her, read it for you. It may make you feel a little bit better.