Just Us Girls

Just Us Girls

...one SMC's adventures in single motherhood.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


Yes. WaffleGirl, that's me.

Now (this week, anyway) I find myself thinking that maybe it's best for me to try to be content with my one amazing girl and not try for number two. I've been thinking lately about how much more stressful life will be, most likely worrying about making ends meet for three of us each month. Paying for daycare for two is probably my biggest fear right now. I still don't feel entirely comfortable with the idea of a home-based daycare, yet I doubt I'll be able to afford two children at the daycare center K currently attends. Both children would receive a 10% discount off of their tuition, but still, that's not very much. Originally I was told that K's tuition would go down each year she was there, but now I've been told by the director that since tuition goes up each year (cost of living increase?!) , it would actually stay the same next year. Which is fine for next year, but in my mind I was counting on paying a little less. Disappointing.

Other concerns include paying co-pays for both kids when they're sick...definitely a concern considering how much K and I were sick this year. I only get a small number of days off per school year, so most likely another child equals having to take more days off. This year I ran out of days, which decreased my paycheck this month since I ended up taking one or two days without pay. I'm also having a hard time imagining getting two small kids and myself out the door each morning. It's not my biggest worry, but it's in there nonetheless. There are a ton of pregnancy concerns as well--affording copays for the OB, caring for K while I'm potentially sick, exhausted, not feeling well, etc., the potential of bedrest, and even my mental state during pregnancy while trying to be the best mom to K that I can. I had a hard time emotionally during my last pregnancy. Basically nine months of PMS. NOT looking forward to that, and how would it affect the way I interact with K? I'm having a hard time imagining what it would be like to have to divide my attention between two children. Would each child get enough attention, and feel loved enough? Not to mention the realities of sibling rivalry, competing for attention, fighting, and so forth and so on... Is it worth it in the end? Is it worth all the stress over finances? Is it worth changing the dynamics of my little family by adding another family member? These are the questions I struggle with.

I really wanted a sibling for K so she wouldn't feel quite so alone in having such a special, unique conception/birth story. I always pictured us as a family of three. I wanted her to have that special relationship with her sibling, and someone to play with. I'm really torn as far as whether I want to go through the whole pregnancy and birth experience again. I felt so relieved once I got past the 12-week mark in pregnancy, then into the second trimester, and then finally the third trimester...I'm still so painfully aware of how much a successful pregnancy is a gamble. Anything can go wrong at any time, all the way through. And just because you get to 40 weeks, it doesn't guarantee you a living baby at the end. Do I really want to go through all that fear again?? And then once your baby is here, there's the risk of SIDS...every month older that K became, I felt that much more relieved that the SIDS risk was lower. Would I really do it all again? I have no idea. I know this post makes me sound like an absolute scaredy cat, but I know I'm not the only single mother--or mother, period--who's had these thoughts and fears.

I could postpone trying again for another year, but it's a huge risk that my donor won't be available one year from this August. If I do decide to store his sperm for a future child, how many vials do I purchase and store? What if I change my mind in the meantime? What if by chance it took on the first try, and I spent all this money on extra vials that I won't end up using? I really don't know which path I'm going to take. A lot more soul searching is in my near future, I guess. I can much more easily envision a life with just K and me going along like we have been than I can envision adding another child to the mix. Things are good for us right now. Things are comfortable for us financially. I can afford to buy nice things for her. Do I really want to screw all that up? Perhaps the reality of me having no partner and no extra income from him will absolutely determine that I can only have one child. It sucks, but maybe that's the reality for us. It kinda breaks my heart. In my heart I really do want to have another child, but I'm not sure the risks outweigh the (massive) benefits. Any thoughts would really be appreciated...thank you in advance.


  1. I have the same battle in my head every day, and the closer I am to my RE appointment, I am no less conflicted.

  2. It's not an easy decision. My best advice is to store several vials (I purchased six). You can revisit this question in six months to a year. I really didn't think I'd get pregnant a second time but I felt like by making an attempt I'd be able to tell Henry (and me) that I had tried and our family was meant to be us two. After L was born I had the feeling that our family would have been just fine either way. (That doesn't diminish my love for him, it's just how I felt for most of that first year.)

  3. From someone who didn't really have a choice (technically I did but not really for me), I can relate to what you are feeling! If I only had one, I would not have tried for a second child for the reasons you mention plus my age. Some days I shake my head that this is going to just get harder raising twins on my own but MOST days I am overjoyed that I have two and that they have each other.

    I was talking with a friend one night and I told him I felt like they would miss out because being two I won't be able to afford what I might otherwise be able to if there was one. (if that made any sense) I was talking about activities, culture, events, etc. He said without missing a beat that he thinks because they have a sibling it makes up for that and so much more. When I'm gone, they will still have each other. And he's right.

    I won't kid you - it's hard. I do have full time child care in my home and that is a DREAM (but not free) and I do have my mom who helps a lot but I am on my own every night and on the weekends except for part of Sundays. I am lucky my children have been healthy and were not too fussy as newborns.

    I hope my perspective helps some. I get your fears about pregnancy. I imagine everyone has those same fears. Good luck in your decision. I guess I am lucky mine was made for me. And I do believe I am lucky!

  4. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, girls, for your comments!!! I so appreciate your perspectives, and I know it will help as I make this difficult decision. :)

  5. I'm a waffle, too! The financial part is scary but I have to remind myself that daycare is temporary and all those extra nice things don't equal true happiness. I really want my son to have a sibling since the reality is that because I'm an older Mom he might be without me sooner than I would like and I don't want him to be alone. I really wish I had the luxury of waiting a few more years because I'm loving every minute of being a mom to my one and only little guy. I want to continue enjoying these moments and not shake things up just yet. Sadly, my age means that I don't have a few years to wait and I fear that I may have already waited myself out of a chance for #2. My plan right now is to purchase a few vials (3?4?6?) and put off a decision until the end of the summer. I have lots more thoughts about this that I'm trying to work through and it's really too bad that you, me and Ms. Rapids can't meet for a playdate and chat.

  6. Hi ladies!
    This is such a hard decision. I am like Meg in that I am enjoying every moment with Owen and not wanting to change that. But in my heart I do want another child. In my case, though, I know that the logistics are too difficult and I haven't let my heart's desire overtake my reality. I just don't think I could "do it all" and still keep my job (and clearly, having a job is pretty darn important in this whole equation)! I still hold out for having baby #2 with a partner, crazy as that sounds! I don't have much time, either. Maybe 2 more years....? So like the other ladies I can't offer any hard advice, just reflections.

    Have you considered an Au Pair? I think the initial deposit is a lot but then you might be paying less per week for two kids than with daycare. Depends on your costs for daycare if that makes sense (in my area, daycare is $1100 / month).