Last night I had the most vivid dream...and it wasn't the first time for this particular topic. I dreamt that I delivered my own baby after going into labor unexpectedly in my bedroom late at night. Yes, by myself, since no one else was around, and basically I had to do what I had to do. I've always believed that what I felt during a dream is the most important aspect of it all--in other words, what my subconscious is trying to tell me through the dream--and in this one, there was no fear, no pain, no panic whatsoever. I wound up holding this incredibly cute, incredibly tiny newborn girl (who didn't look anything like K, by the way) wrapped in a soft blanket. All I felt was absolute happiness and contentment that she was mine. I looked at her features more carefully, especially her eyes, and realized that I thought she had Down Syndrome, which suddenly and completely changed my mental picture of her future. I knew it would be okay, though*, and later it turned out that she didn't have Downs after all, I was mistaken. I remember feeling relieved.
Sometimes, after having had a vivid dream like this one (the specific details and feelings have stayed crisp in my mind all day), if I curl up in bed the next night in the same position I was in while I was dreaming, I can almost revisit the dream and recall it more clearly. Something about muscle memory, I guess. This is one of a recent series of dreams over the past few weeks about having a newborn that isn't K...and in these dreams I'm happy. Next week is my RE appointment, and even though I'm scared to death to actually make this all real by going through with it, I'm more at peace with the idea of a second child than I was before.
* I'm a huge fan of Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things, and I read it on a regular basis. As a result, I now feel that it would truly be okay if I ever had a child with Downs, a blessing, even. Kelle is a true inspiration. If you've never checked out her blog, you should.