Eleven days. And counting, but trying not to...

Eleven days until I have to report [gulp] back to school for a brand-new school year! I must admit, as much as I've loved spending the summer with my girl--much like a SAHM's life would be, I imagine--I'm ready for more adult interaction! I do like the "break" that daycare provides for me, but it's still hard to be away from her for a full eight-plus hours per day. And there's just not that much time before and after school until she goes to bed. There are always the weekends, for sure, but it never quite feels like enough time together. And K is changing so much every single day!

She started walking full-time in early June, and now it's all about learning and saying new words. I started an official chronological list of the words she's started saying, and I hope I can keep up with it! She does babble all the time, and so much of it I don't understand, but more and more I am recognizing the words she is saying. She's starting to sign more, too, which is a lot of fun. I know that this school year will bring so many more dramatic changes as well.

I'm debating switching her daycare, though I don't have much time left in which to do so. She has a guaranteed spot at her daycare from last year, but I can't help wanting to investigate all my options. Thank goodness we're never locked in for the full year. If things don't "click", we can go elsewhere. I'm very nervous about her moving up to the toddler room...so many more expectations, I guess. Sometimes it seems like there just isn't much wiggle room for kids who don't necessarily follow the same routines as all the other kids. K still needs two naps per day, and I'm pretty sure they only make time for one daily nap. She'll be expected to be able to drink out of an open cup, which we're working on every day, and use a spoon, which she's getting better at. But I still consider her a fairly picky eater, and what happens when she decides she doesn't like what they're serving? Will she go hungry? I have no idea! I really need to stop by and talk with the toddler teachers, as well as have K spend at least a little time there so it won't be so new and possibly scary on her first day. Hard to believe I'm starting to think about preschool options...I swear she was just six months old a few weeks ago, lol. I'm sure it will all work out, but I'm still kinda nervous about all these changes.

Got my bloodwork results back from my RE, and things look really good. He sees no reason why I can't go forward with my plans. Good FSH levels, lots of follicles, all systems go. So my next DI will take place in early September. I have NO plans to say anything about this to anyone, friends or family, except one SMC friend who has twin boys, and she's been encouraging "round two" from the beginning. So we'll see what happens.

I'll leave you with a few pics of my parents' visit in early July...

Hangin' with Grandpa (gotta love that deer-in-the-headlights look!):

Auspicious!

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all.

~Emily Dickinson

This quote is framed in one of the ultrasound rooms at my RE's office. I sat there, as I waited for my RE, and wondered how many other women before me had gazed at the very same quote...and pondered. Did they feel hopeful? Did it make them feel sad? Did they feel inspired to keep going? I have to say, reading that quote made me smile. It made me feel as though whoever put the quote there was truly thinking about what it might be like for their patients. Yes, I did feel hopeful.

And it turns out that I might just have reason to feel hopeful. Even though we have no idea about the quality of my eggs, much to my surprise, I did show four or five follicles on the right side and seven to ten follicles on my left side. Seven to ten! During the cycle in which I conceived my sweet K, I apparently only had one follicle. So how was this possible? I even took Femara to boost things along. I love the analogy that my RE popped off with: "Well, as you know, just because you're yelling at your children doesn't mean they'll listen!" I'm a rookie at this ovulation stuff, but apparently the number of follicles can vary--or really vary--during each cycle. Oooookay. But my RE looked at me and grinned and said that so far, things look really good! I won't get the results back from my day-three bloodwork for several days yet, but as of right now, it's all systems go for T42. Still not sure whether a second child is a wise idea, but for right now anyway, I'm very excited about the possibilities...

And so it begins...

I had a very positive appointment with my RE yesterday, and it's starting to feel real that I'm going to go forward with this three-month stint of "trying". The three months are early September, October, and November, and this is my (short) window because I really want to time a pregnancy for a summer delivery while I'm out of school. If it doesn't happen during those three months, I'll reevaluate and see what I want to do next. It's definitely not an all-or-nothing deal. When I conceived K, it was on my third medicated iui. So I think it's possible. A slim chance, but still possible.

So The Plan will involve Fem.ara, pre-insemination ultrasounds to check the state of my follicles, trigger shots, and something new this time: injectibles. He also mentioned that if I so desired, I *could* do another HSG test, which apparently does increase fertility for a short period of time. That may have helped my previous success, apparently. Plus my RE did mention that his office now has new payment plans for those of us paying cash. My insurance plan does cover all diagnostic treatment, but nothing related to the inseminations themselves. But I'm prepared for that reality. And it's kinda nice to know that my financial stress related to this "try" won't last much beyond November. It was interesting to find out that during the cycle in which I conceived K, I only had one good follicle. Which I guess I knew at the time, but to hear it again from my RE really drove it home. But it was a really good follicle, apparently. All it takes is one, right? Something else I'm considering is acupuncture. I have NO idea how to find a good acupuncturist here, since as far as I know, no one I know has ever had acupuncture. It's worth asking about, I suppose. Falls into the can't-hurt-might-help category.

One surprising detail my RE mentioned is the statistic that in women my age (41), 90 percent of their eggs are chromosomally abnormal. What a depressing statistic! And a little hard to believe, considering how many pregnancies in 40+-year-old women I've read about. Successful pregnancies that result in real live take-home babies. Maybe it's true, I don't know. My goal is to put that out of my mind (or attempt to do so, anyway) and give September through November my all. I've concluded that even though I still go back and forth about the wisdom of having a second child, I'm happy I'm going forward with this and at least giving another pregnancy a try. Even if it doesn't succeed. Maybe God has other plans for us. :)

Weird dreams.

Last night I had the most vivid dream...and it wasn't the first time for this particular topic. I dreamt that I delivered my own baby after going into labor unexpectedly in my bedroom late at night. Yes, by myself, since no one else was around, and basically I had to do what I had to do. I've always believed that what I felt during a dream is the most important aspect of it all--in other words, what my subconscious is trying to tell me through the dream--and in this one, there was no fear, no pain, no panic whatsoever. I wound up holding this incredibly cute, incredibly tiny newborn girl (who didn't look anything like K, by the way) wrapped in a soft blanket. All I felt was absolute happiness and contentment that she was mine. I looked at her features more carefully, especially her eyes, and realized that I thought she had Down Syndrome, which suddenly and completely changed my mental picture of her future. I knew it would be okay, though*, and later it turned out that she didn't have Downs after all, I was mistaken. I remember feeling relieved.

Sometimes, after having had a vivid dream like this one (the specific details and feelings have stayed crisp in my mind all day), if I curl up in bed the next night in the same position I was in while I was dreaming, I can almost revisit the dream and recall it more clearly. Something about muscle memory, I guess. This is one of a recent series of dreams over the past few weeks about having a newborn that isn't K...and in these dreams I'm happy. Next week is my RE appointment, and even though I'm scared to death to actually make this all real by going through with it, I'm more at peace with the idea of a second child than I was before.

* I'm a huge fan of Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things, and I read it on a regular basis. As a result, I now feel that it would truly be okay if I ever had a child with Downs, a blessing, even. Kelle is a true inspiration. If you've never checked out her blog, you should.

Terrified.

I did it.

I called my RE's office and made a consultation appointment for July 12th. A hard phone call to make, believe it or not.

And I'm seriously terrified. Maybe because now I know what a BFP actually means...and yet I have no idea what it would be like to be a mom to two sweet babies.

They have a new policy of charging a $100 deposit to all new patients since they've had so many no-shows and cancellations just an hour before...but fortunately, after I told her I wasn't a new patient, I wasn't charged. My iui's aren't covered by insurance, but I do get to pay a co-pay for the initial appointment. So the plan is to talk with the RE and figure out which hoops I have to jump through (again) in order to proceed.

All day yesterday (when I made the phone call) I was surprisingly happy, kind of an I-have-a-secret feeling, and perhaps feeling like it might just be the right decision. I felt actual excitement about proceeding. Like maybe I can do this.

And if nothing else, if it doesn't work, it's a way to prove to myself and to K that I gave a second sibling a full-fledged try. No regrets, you know? Time will tell. :)

The good, the bad, and the...really good.

The Good:

• Small Good Thing #1: K and I ventured out to our local library tonight, and it's awesome! What a fabulous children's area. Her favorite part was being able to stand and play at a long, low table with tons of new-to-her toys. It was the first time she saw toy dinosaurs, that's for sure. She also loved doing puzzles with Mom and reading a few books together (lots of other things to see and do). But that was okay, since I checked out five good ones that I plan to return next Wednesday when we attend...Toddler Time! We just moved to this part of town in November, and truth be told, we just hadn't gotten around to checking it out yet. But now that K and I get to spend tons of time together this summer, it was the perfect opportunity. Personally, I love the fact that she might get the opportunity to spend at least a little time with other small people like she does during the school year at daycare. She met a three-year-old-ish boy named Cullen this evening who shared very nicely with her. Good times.

• Small Good Thing #2: I was wanting to get rid of the really beat-up and useless grill in our backyard (back postage stamp) that had stayed there, unused, by the previous tenant for the entire two years she lived there. So I dragged the wretched thing (well, lifted it, actually) through the house and out the front door, and I put a "FREE" sign on it, hoping that someone, ANYone, would swing by and take it off my hands. And lo and behold, someone actually did! And the propane tank, too! No more nasty grill! Yes, I admit it, I did do a happy dance. Now if I can just get the grass seed to take...attempt number two.

• Small Good Thing #3: I went to war with a particularly nasty computer virus, and I won! Or so it seems, anyway. I won't be overconfident about it, and now I know what to do should it rear its ugly head again. It was so insidious...it completely incapacitated my computer for two days, and I almost wasn't even able to boot up in safe mode, something I really needed to do in order to get rid of it. I was convinced I was gonna have to spend a bunch of money I didn't have to take it in somewhere and have someone look at it. It was one of these rogue FRAUDULENT! anti-virus programs called XP Sec.urity 2012, and it came complete with a firewall override, anti-virus override, and ability to very rapidly self-replicate before my eyes. Seriously nasty. So what I had to do was head over to my school and do an Internet search on how to get rid of it, and basically take copious notes. Which I did. And it worked! I'm still cleaning up the body parts strewn around my desk. So gross.
  

• Small Good Thing #4: I've been eating a lot healthier lately. Lots of good protein, and yummy summer fruits and vegetables. Kinda proud of myself.
  

The Bad:

• The really bad. My sister-in-law had a miscarriage last weekend. This was her first pregnancy, and she and my brother had known for about a month or so. She had seen her midwife, and possibly gotten an ultrasound already. After she miscarried, she apparently had a few more ultrasounds to confirm that the baby was gone. So heartbreaking for the two of them...I believe they had been trying for quite a while. My parents are sad too, of course. They received the good news about a month ago, and neither I nor my other brother even knew that Samantha was pregnant since apparently our brother wanted to tell us about it first, before my parents did. But neither of us had yet returned Ben's phone message, lousy sibs that we are. Samantha took the full week off from work, and both she and Ben are in my prayers for healing and peace and hope for another (successful) pregnancy. I feel quite sure that they'll be parents yet.

• Still on the fence about whether or not to try for baby number two. But leaning strongly towards going for it.
  

The Really Good:

• K saw her pediatric ophthalmologist, the Fabulous Dr. Lee, on Tuesday, and much to my surprise, not only will her prescription stay the same for the next SIX MONTHS!, but we also won't need to do any patching! For now, anyway. He did say that he can't guarantee that we won't have to patch ever, but I'm just so glad that we won't have to start patching anytime soon. Dr. Lee said he was very happy with how her glasses are helping her vision, her prescription is dead-on, and it's nothing but good that at this point, she doesn't need to patch and she doesn't need to have surgery. I'm still holding out hope that her farsightedness will improve as she grows...typically this is what happens with children's eyesight as the eyes mature, and she may end up only needing glasses for reading. Six months is longer than the typical next-appointment...no complaints here. And I'm super glad that I won't have to replace her basically-new lenses with a different prescription. I will need to invest in a (cute) back-up pair before school starts in August, but for now we're good with one pair of glasses. I need to post a pic of K in her new frames! I'll get right on that...AFTER I finish celebrating.
  

• My cousin and her husband will be traveling to China in late August/early September to meet and take home their new 10-year-old daughter! They've been working on this adoption for literally years now, waiting far too long and working through all of the restrictions etcetera that China has seemed to arbitrarily set up for American adopting couples. I don't know all of the specifics, but I do know that the wait has been eternal. They just finished painting her room in her favorite color, green! Yes, I know that this news definitely ranks above the previous bullet, but you gotta remember, K is my absolute favorite person in the entire world, and the sun rises and sets with her. So there's that. So...please pray that Jen and Chris can maintain their stamina and bring their new daughter home to join their 10-year-old son, Kyle. I couldn't be more excited for them as they complete their family.
  

These boots were made for walkin'

The past 48 hours have been absolutely magical! (Yeah, 'bout time I blogged about something other than Big Decision 2011.) Talk about rapid changes! K took her first steps on Mother's Day (May 8th), about three shaky steps into my outstretched arms. She's been cruising along the furniture since I-don't-know-when, and she's continued to do so. She'd take more steps towards me if I encouraged her to, but she was still pretty comfortable cruising around, holding onto something at all times. She loooooves her push toy that she pushes around all over the place. She got up to seven steps towards me about a week, week and a half ago, which was great. Little did I know her confidence would soar a mere week later!

A few days ago she started really working hard at standing up from all fours in the middle of the room, without anything to hold onto, and she's gotten so good at that! Her first attempts reminded me so strongly of a gymnast trying to stick the landing after a vault: knees bent, arms outstretched, trying so hard to balance without toppling over. And she's mostly conquered it! She still topples over now and then as she's trying so hard to stand up, but once she figured out how to stand up in the middle of the room, the logical next step (no pun intended) was to take steps forward without anything near her to hold onto! What really helped, much to my surprise, was taking out my large exercise ball, purportedly to start doing situps every night (yeah, riiiight). But she loves that ball, and she would pull herself up on it, push it away from her, and stand, balanced, with nowhere else to go but take steps towards the ball. That really seemed to be the turning point for her.

Over the last 48 hours she's been walking everywhere, toddling around like a drunk sailor. Still falling over, but she pops right back up again, ready to try again. Talk about teaching me some serious life lessons! No matter how many times you fall down, you just gotta get right back up again and give it another shot. The pride on her face and her ear-to-ear grin as she walks across the room warm my heart like nothing else. And she just goes as far as her little legs will carry her until she falls down, then she pops right back up again. Talk about magical days! I think school ended just in time, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss this for anything. The next week should be even more fun, as her confidence grows and she gets better and better at this walking gig. Now my job is to try to capture it on video and in photos. Thank goodness I found the charger for my camera's battery, which I'd been looking for for a while now. I will definitely post pictures as soon as I get a few good ones. (I'm not thrilled with the layout of the header for this blog, since my current favorite picture isn't oriented well for it. But we were on our way to the pool for the first time this season, and she just looked so cute sitting there! So much more a little girl rather than a baby.) This summer is off to an exciting start!!