Tears of joy

How is it that I can be so overjoyed for someone I've never even met? Perhaps it's because I know her joy...I experienced it back on June 29th, when I saw those two beautiful little lines for the first time and felt the world shift beneath my feet. Logically I know that one person doesn't "deserve" pregnancy more than any other, but when someone has been through hell and back and finally achieves it--against all odds--it just does something to me. In all honesty I don't know much about "super crappy sperm" or FET's. But when I read Murgdan's post I just sobbed. Yes, I admit it. Sobbed. (Thanks, pregnancy hormones, for that!) We all were so hopeful for her, for this cycle, and I had imagined how I might feel if it actually panned out...I can hardly believe it. If anyone "deserves" it, it's Murgdan, and I couldn't be happier for her. Yes!

Happy, happy day. Life is good.

Incognito

Trying, at least! Even though my colleagues know that I'm pregnant, my goal was to keep it from my students for as long as possible. That's proving to be harder than I expected, since I now have a *small* bump! Normally I'd be excited, but I really don't want the parents of my students to assume I'll be distracted or less committed to their kids if I tell them now, right when the school year has just started. Where school is concerned, dresses are easy and comfortable, but not as concealing as I'd like. So....maybe it has to be all about two-piece ensembles for a while. Hopefully they'll think I'm just fat. Never thought I'd wish for that.

I also never thought I'd be so happy to cross paths with an "unlucky" number! Thirteen weeks on Saturday!!

Awkward! I think a friend of mine at work is ticked off at me because she resents the fact that I'm pregnant. I honestly don't know what to say or do, considering I've walked that path before. And it ain't easy. She'll be pursuing diui as well, but can't quite yet until a financial situation resolves itself, hopefully soon. In the meantime...what can I do?? No clue.

Things are lookin' up

• I'm relieved...I only spotted for two days, and then it stopped. Next appointment = September 9th. Twelve weeks on Saturday!! Woohoo!
  

• So far school is going pretty well, except for some *large* class sizes (as in 35, and 35 sixth graders in one classroom is really not even close to an ideal situation). But it's do-able, so all I can do is put on my seatbelt and hold on. So far--and yes, I realize that early impressions aren't always reliable--the kids are super-sweet and fun to be around. I'm surprised by how happy I am feeling to be back in the classroom...I really expected to feel more grouchy and short-tempered. So far that's not the case, which really makes me happy. Here's hoping it'll last.

• However, I'm having a hard time with fatigue. I swear, by 3:40 every day, it feels like I can hardly see straight because I'm so tired. As in bone-tired, where all I can manage to do is get myself home and fall into bed, exhausted. I also hate how completely groggy I feel when I wake up, sometimes early the next morning, sometimes only a few hours later. I'm hoping that it's just beginning-of-the-year fatigue that's only a little bit compounded by pregnancy, and that things'll get easier over the next couple of weeks. Hope springs eternal... One thing's for sure, I HAVE to get this sleep schedule thing under control.

• Project Runway on Lifetime + Top Chef Las Vegas on Bravo = absolute bliss. I LOVE this time of year!!

• I've got every finger and toe crossed for Murgdan tomorrow. I really, really want her to have a successful FET. Please send her some love.
  

Round two...getting old.

Mini-vent: I spotted for a little less than a week several weeks ago, the spotting stopped, and I figured that all was well. Brown, no red, no cramping, and they say that's not usually something to worry about. I saw my doc, had an ultrasound and cultures done, and they didn't find any problems or infection.

So this evening I started spotting brown AGAIN and I'm gettin' a little tired of this. I'm not cramping, but I'm definitely experiencing a little "soreness" today that I'm quite sure is related. The soreness has come and gone all evening. And this after a successful (so far) NT scan today that showed NO soft markers for Downs...just waiting on the bloodwork, which will take about a week. Just the most awesome ultrasound today...I saw tiny fingers, hands, feet, legs, all moving around, and the sweetest little profile I've ever seen! Tiny little nose and chin...priceless. Seven AMAZING little pictures. Now I'm feeling completely deflated because the spotting has started again. I'm going to wait a day and see what happens, whether it slows down like last time, or what. And tomorrow's the first day of school, so I *definitely* don't need anything extra to worry about. *sigh* This just better not be something significant.

Thanks to my friend Katy...

...for the name change suggestion!! Personally, I think it's kinda perfect. It certainly reflects my desire to be optimistic about the outcome of this pregnancy. I'm not going to change the name of this blog in a permanent sense, at least for now. At some point I will need to change it, but I have no idea what I want the actual new name to be. But for now, it's all in good fun! :)

I guess it's one of those inevitable things...

I can't sleep. And I can't seem to stop crying, either. My father's accident on Sunday night has got me thinking--and feeling quite vulnerable--about the fact that they live in upstate New York and I live all the way out here in Colorado. My father will turn 70 in March--seventy!--and I'm starting to realize that I have to come to terms with the fact that neither he nor my mom are going to be around forever, and that time seems to be getting closer and closer. They're two of the most active and healthy seventy-year-olds I know, and they neither look nor act like what I think of as a seventy-year-old. My father is an active cyclist who still rides considerable distances on a regular basis, and my mom swims and does water aerobics several times a week. Until this past April, when Dad had emergency surgery to repair a lower GI bleed, we've never had anything even resembling a close call, and now there have been more than I feel comfortable with. The hardest part is that I am not there in case something else should happen. I live thousands of miles away, and now I'm starting to think that at some point I'm going to need to move back to Syracuse to take care of them, or at least keep a closer eye on them. I guess, being the oldest, it feels like it's my responsibility, and I'm the only daughter, too. But then I think of my grandmother, who is still living independently here in my town at the age of 86. She only recently gave up driving because of her vision, and overall her health is quite good. So most of the time, I think that my parents have a lot of good years--good independent years--ahead of them. But then I picture my Dad falling headlong down a full flight of stairs, and I can't stand it. I would have been absolutely terrified if I had been there. I can't stand the idea of them not being in my world anymore. And I am scared. I'm scared of feeling that alone in the world. Logically I know I'm not, but they're my parents. A lot of the time I still feel like a kid just trying to figure it all out, trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet. Of course, I've been doing that for a long time now, but the feeling never quite goes away, I guess. How will I ever deal with them not being in my life anymore? And if something terrible does happen, will I blame myself for not being there? I wish I had some answers. I also wish I could find some guarantee that they'll always be there for me, as impossible as that is.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Or...Yes, sometimes everything CAN be sorted into those three categories. Actually, I'm too exhausted to think any further than this...I basically pulled an all-nighter last night to finish a project that was due today that I managed to basically put off all summer. Serves me right. But at least it's DONE, and now I can celebrate!

Good:

• Awesome OB appointment today! My very first Doppler reading, and it didn't take him long to pick up a hb of 160 bpm. Perhaps this spells the end of the whole trans-vag song and dance...no complaints here. Spotting has stopped (sorry, tmi). Feeling great, and still no morning sickness. I'm one lucky girl. My next regular appt. is scheduled for four weeks from now. I have my NT scan this Monday.
  

• No surprises when I finally got the information about my insurance coverage for all the ob stuff. It was just what I expected, and at least for now, I feel like it's all manageable. And I was actually surprised by said lack of surprise...I don't trust health insurance companies as far as I can throw them. Yeah I know, that made no sense. See exhaustion note above. But I figured they would try to screw me far more than they actually have...so far. We never know what the future holds.
  

• I told my principal today about my pregnancy (because I was deathly afraid she'd hear it from someone else first, which she did, but didn't seem to care). She seemed very supportive and...gasp...even happy for me! Will miracles never cease...

• Good first day back at school! I was overwhelmed by my closest friends' reactions to my news, and in all honesty, I kinda felt like something of a superstar all day. I got a lot done, and I'm so much further ahead in my "school readiness" than many, which makes me incredibly happy. I hate stressing that I won't get everything done...not this year!

Bad:

• My father fell down the stairs on Sunday night. Head first. In the pitch darkness because the power had just gone out, and he couldn't see where he was stepping. I'm talking, full flight of stairs, and he fell all the way down to the bottom. He took his time getting up, under the watchful care of my retired-RN mom, and because it was after midnight, they went to bed since he was feeling okay. Bruised, but okay, and he hadn't hit his head. But at 4 am, he awoke and was having a hard time breathing...Mom could barely get a blood pressure reading. So she called the paramedics who took them to the ER, and they did an x-ray, only to discover that he had actually broken a rib. He's fine now, despite bruising and a broken rib, and I asked, "Why on earth didn't you call me and let me know what happened?" They both replied that they were embarrassed over the whole thing and hadn't planned on telling *anyone*. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot. Now I'm finding myself that much more worried about them.
  

• My friend Julie had a terrible, no-good, awful day today and really, there's just not much I can say that will truly make things better. I tried, mind you, but she just wasn't having any of it. I understand...sometimes only time will help.

Ugly:

• I *feel* ugly just writing about this. But I'm just going to say it once, then hopefully never bring it up again. One of my colleagues is also pregnant, four weeks ahead of me, which is NOT the ugly part. What's so frustrating is that she is a size zero. ZERO!! Seriously. And she's pregnant. I know she's going to stay just that skinny and grow this nauseatingly cute little baby bump while I blimp out like, well, the Good Year Blimp. *sigh* Yes, I confess it--I also kinda felt like she stole my thunder today. But now it's time to put on my big-girl panties and get over it already--I have bigger things to focus on.
  

Editor's note: I've been working on a new post with my nominations for the One Lovely Blog award. It's getting there, but it's also taking longer to get it all together. So your patience is very much appreciated.

Welcome to Scaryville, population: ME.

Ugh. I had an unexpected doctor's appointment yesterday due to some seriously unexpected spotting. My first thought? "Here we go, the beginning of the end." Honestly, I was a little surprised that they insisted on having me come in the day before my scheduled appointment, because when it comes to spotting (as opposed to bleeding), what's one more day? But now, when I think about it, I'm actually kind of touched that Sandy, my nurse practitioner whom I've been seeing for years for the regular girly-bits stuff, didn't want me to panic any longer than necessary. So I went in, waited a while in the ultrasound room since there was someone else ahead of me, and couldn't really stop the tears as I waited for what felt like hours. I was pretty convinced that the moment that I had been dreading for the past nine weeks was imminent. She did the ultrasound, and I couldn't bring myself to even look in the direction of the screen, but then she said, "Here we go, and everything looks great." She even pointed out the little arms and legs all moving around (!!!), and I was so relieved, all I could do was cry. Strong heartbeat of 160 bpm, and the best part? Instead of measuring at 9w2d like I expected, the little bean is measuring at 9w6d...music to my ears. Yeah, I know ultrasounds can be off either way by a week or so, but I don't care...if that little one is looking strong and healthy, I'll take it! Sandy told me later that she really didn't want to have to tell me any bad news...she's been cheering me on in this endeavor since the very beginning--five years ago--when I first started asking questions about what donor insemination might entail. She didn't find any obvious reason for the spotting, and since it's now very slight (and brown, indicating old blood), it's not something to worry about. I'm just so relieved (did I mention that?!) that everything is looking good, and I'm starting to dare to imagine that I might actually end up with a baby in my arms in early March. What a thought.

Hurry up and wait

Nine weeks...

...has such a nice ring to it!

My next OB appt. is this Wednesday, and it feels like such a long wait until then. My latest fixation is the idea of a missed miscarriage, no heartbeat but the body hasn't quite caught on yet. So my first question will be when can I hear the heartbeat again--ultrasound, Doppler, I don't care. I know, I know, irrational, but there you have it. Oh, the joys of being on the cusp of 40 and pregnant for the first time...knowing full well all that can go wrong...

*sigh*