Just Us Girls

Just Us Girls

...one SMC's adventures in single motherhood.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I guess it's one of those inevitable things...

I can't sleep. And I can't seem to stop crying, either. My father's accident on Sunday night has got me thinking--and feeling quite vulnerable--about the fact that they live in upstate New York and I live all the way out here in Colorado. My father will turn 70 in March--seventy!--and I'm starting to realize that I have to come to terms with the fact that neither he nor my mom are going to be around forever, and that time seems to be getting closer and closer. They're two of the most active and healthy seventy-year-olds I know, and they neither look nor act like what I think of as a seventy-year-old. My father is an active cyclist who still rides considerable distances on a regular basis, and my mom swims and does water aerobics several times a week. Until this past April, when Dad had emergency surgery to repair a lower GI bleed, we've never had anything even resembling a close call, and now there have been more than I feel comfortable with. The hardest part is that I am not there in case something else should happen. I live thousands of miles away, and now I'm starting to think that at some point I'm going to need to move back to Syracuse to take care of them, or at least keep a closer eye on them. I guess, being the oldest, it feels like it's my responsibility, and I'm the only daughter, too. But then I think of my grandmother, who is still living independently here in my town at the age of 86. She only recently gave up driving because of her vision, and overall her health is quite good. So most of the time, I think that my parents have a lot of good years--good independent years--ahead of them. But then I picture my Dad falling headlong down a full flight of stairs, and I can't stand it. I would have been absolutely terrified if I had been there. I can't stand the idea of them not being in my world anymore. And I am scared. I'm scared of feeling that alone in the world. Logically I know I'm not, but they're my parents. A lot of the time I still feel like a kid just trying to figure it all out, trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet. Of course, I've been doing that for a long time now, but the feeling never quite goes away, I guess. How will I ever deal with them not being in my life anymore? And if something terrible does happen, will I blame myself for not being there? I wish I had some answers. I also wish I could find some guarantee that they'll always be there for me, as impossible as that is.

1 comment:

  1. It's funny to me how becoming a parent made me think a lot about my own parents, similar to how you are thinking of yours now. I think it's part of the process. Add your hormones into it, and it is no wonder you are emotional!! Just let them know that you love them and try to get through it as best you can...I'll be pulling for you.