Just Us Girls

Just Us Girls

...one SMC's adventures in single motherhood.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The heart of the matter

Well, I think I've figured it out: part of the reason, at least, for all that fear I was feeling last week. And interestingly enough, it was the book I finished a few days ago that really seemed to clue me in. I've been reading Choosing You: Deciding to Have a Baby On My Own by Alexandra Soiseth, and as soon as I got it from the library I couldn't put it down. Her journey mirrors mine in a lot of ways, though of course there are some key differences as well, which I won't go into here. One paragraph in particular stopped me cold. I think it was about three am (like I said, I couldn't put it down) and as soon as I read this particular paragraph, much to my surprise I began to cry and couldn't catch my breath. I've thought about it ever since and now I feel I am at peace with things. But here is the heart of the matter: over the past two weeks or so I've been thinking a lot about the idea that I haven't "followed the rules" in terms of starting my family, and I've been questioning whether things could actually work out for me in terms of this pregnancy. Here is the paragraph that affected me so strongly:

"I guess I actually think, deep down, that I don't deserve to be pregnant. I'm trying to fast-track myself somewhere I'm not suppposed to go. If you can't get a man, you can't have a family. End of story."

At the time it really struck a chord, but thankfully I think I've worked through it. At last I can envision this pregnancy going to term regardless of how I got here, and a lot of the worry seems to have lifted. It's not completely gone, of course, but I feel like I can breathe a little easier now.


  1. Hmm, I am in the very early stages of thinking about being a SMC and this too makes me think. I haven't read the book, but I do wonder whether I am trying to consider something that I don't actually deserve - as you say.

    This is something that we all need to work through and I am sure that I will have my own moment of awareness and struggle as I come to terms with not having the family that I always dreamt I would!

    Anyway - wishing you well with the pregnancy!

  2. Thanks, Sam! I can definitely recommend the book as it provides what I think is a realistic view of the SMC journey, challenges and all, and it seems to say that despite the challenges, it's all worth it in spades in the end. (I hope it will be for me, too!) Thanks for stopping by, and good luck in your journey!!

  3. You know, I've felt this way, too. The guilt really sets in when I think about a friend of mine who is doing things "the right way" and is struggling to conceive. I never had to try...it just happened and took me by surprise. Unmarried, and with a man that I knew wasn't right for me. Twice.

    I think you just have to trust that things happen exactly as they are supposed to...embrace it. You are allowed to be happy. It's happening!

  4. Hi Heather, I just wanted to say that I felt these same things when first pregnant...like I was forcing something that wasn't supposed to be. But now that I have my daughter, I have NO DOUBT that she was meant to be. She was the child that I've always been meant to have. As much as I do have worries, fears, guilt, etc. about using a donor and denying my child a father, I wouldn't have done it any other way because if I did I wouldn't have HER. I wish you well on this wonderful, challenging, life changing journey, and I will keep reading!