Well, I think I've figured it out: part of the reason, at least, for all that fear I was feeling last week. And interestingly enough, it was the book I finished a few days ago that really seemed to clue me in. I've been reading Choosing You: Deciding to Have a Baby On My Own by Alexandra Soiseth, and as soon as I got it from the library I couldn't put it down. Her journey mirrors mine in a lot of ways, though of course there are some key differences as well, which I won't go into here. One paragraph in particular stopped me cold. I think it was about three am (like I said, I couldn't put it down) and as soon as I read this particular paragraph, much to my surprise I began to cry and couldn't catch my breath. I've thought about it ever since and now I feel I am at peace with things. But here is the heart of the matter: over the past two weeks or so I've been thinking a lot about the idea that I haven't "followed the rules" in terms of starting my family, and I've been questioning whether things could actually work out for me in terms of this pregnancy. Here is the paragraph that affected me so strongly:
"I guess I actually think, deep down, that I don't deserve to be pregnant. I'm trying to fast-track myself somewhere I'm not suppposed to go. If you can't get a man, you can't have a family. End of story."
At the time it really struck a chord, but thankfully I think I've worked through it. At last I can envision this pregnancy going to term regardless of how I got here, and a lot of the worry seems to have lifted. It's not completely gone, of course, but I feel like I can breathe a little easier now.